§24Καίτοι ταῦτα πάντα φορητὰ ἔτι, ὅσα ἢ ἑρμηνείας ἢ τῆς ἄλλης διατάξεως ἁμαρτήματά ἐστιν· τὸ δὲ καὶ παρὰ τοὺς τόπους αὐτοὺς ψεύδεσθαι οὐ παρασάγγας μόνον ἀλλὰ καὶ σταθμοὺς ὅλους, τίνι τῶν καλῶν ἔοικεν;
And yet all these things are still tolerable, as many as are errors of expression or of other arrangement; but to lie even about the places themselves, not only by parasangs but even by whole stages, to which of the beautiful things is this like?
εἷς γοῦν οὕτω ῥᾳθύμως συνήγαγε τὰ πράγματα, οὔτε Σύρῳ τινὶ ἐντυχὼν οὔτε τὸ λεγόμενον δὴ τοῦτο τῶν ἐπὶ κουρείῳ τὰ τοιαῦτα μυθολογούντων ἀκούσας, ὥστε περὶ Εὐρώπου λέγων οὕτως ἔφη, “Ἡ δὲ Εὔρωπος κεῖται μὲν ἐν τῇ Μεσοποταμίᾳ σταθμοὺς δύο τοῦ Εὐφράτου ἀπέχουσα, ἀπῴκισαν δὲ αὐτὴν Ἐδεσσαῖοι. ” καὶ οὐδὲ τοῦτο ἀπέχρησεν αὐτῷ, ἀλλὰ καὶ τὴν ἐμὴν πατρίδα τὰ Σαμόσατα ὁ αὐτὸς ἐν τῷ αὐτῷ βιβλίῳ ἀράμενος ὁ γενναῖος αὐτῇ ἀκροπόλει καὶ τείχεσι μετέθηκεν ἐς τὴν Μεσοποταμίαν, ὡς περιρρεῖσθαι αὐτὴν ὑπ' ἀμφοτέρων τῶν ποταμῶν, ἑκατέρωθεν ἐν χρῷ παραμειβομένων καὶ μονονουχὶ τοῦ τείχους ψαυόντων.
One, at any rate, compiled the events so carelessly, having neither met any Syrian nor heard what is commonly said by those who tell such stories in barber shops, that in speaking of Europus he said: "And Europus lies in Mesopotamia, at a distance of two stages from the Euphrates, and people of Edessa colonized it." And not even this was enough for him, but the same noble man in the same book, lifting up Samosata, my own homeland, with its very acropolis and walls, transferred it into Mesopotamia, so that it is surrounded by both rivers, which pass close by on either side and almost touch the wall.
τὸ δὲ καὶ γελοῖον εἴ σοι νῦν, ὦ Φίλων, ἀπολογοίμην ὡς οὐ Παρθυαίων οὐδὲ Μεσοποταμίτης σοι ἐγὼ, οἷ με φέρων ὁ θαυμαστὸς συγγραφεὺς ἀπῴκισε.
And it would be ridiculous if I should now defend myself to you, my dear Philon, saying that I am neither a vassal of the Parthians nor a Mesopotamian, where that wonderful historian transplanted me.
§25Νὴ Δία κἀκεῖνο κομιδῇ πιθανὸν περὶ τοῦ Σευηριανοῦ ὁ αὐτὸς οὗτος εἶπεν ἐπομοσάμενος, ἦ μὴν ἀκοῦσαί τινος τῶν ἐξ αὐτοῦ τοῦ ἔργου διαφυγόντων· οὔτε γὰρ ξίφει ἐθελῆσαι αὐτὸν ἀποθανεῖν οὔτε φαρμάκου πιεῖν οὔτε βρόχον ἅψασθαι ἀλλά τινα θάνατον ἐπινοῆσαι τραγικὸν καὶ τῇ τόλμῃ ξενίζοντα· τυχεῖν μὲν γὰρ αὐτὸν ἔχοντα παμμεγέθη ἐκπώματα ὑάλινα τῆς καλλίστης ὑάλου, ἐπεὶ δὲ πάντως ἀποθανεῖν ἔγνωστο, κατάξαντα τὸν μέγιστον τῶν σκύφων ἑνὶ τῶν θραυσμάτων χρήσασθαι εἰς τὴν σφαγὴν ἐντεμόντα τῇ ὑάλῳ τὸν λαιμόν.
By Zeus, and that other point is thoroughly credible which this same man said about Severianus, swearing that he indeed heard it from one of those who escaped from the event itself: that he wished neither to die by the sword, nor to drink poison, nor to hang himself, but devised a certain tragic death and one strange in its daring; for he happened to have huge glass cups of the finest glass, and when it was decided that he must die, having broken the largest of the cups, he used one of the shards for the slaughter, cutting his throat with the glass.
οὕτως οὐ ξιφίδιον, οὐ λογχάριον εὗρεν ὡς ἀνδρεῖός γε αὐτῷ καὶ ἡρωϊκὸς ὁ θάνατος γένοιτο.
Thus he found no dagger, no small spear, so that his death might be manly and heroic for him.
§26Εἶτ' ἐπειδὴ Θουκυδίδης ἐπιτάφιόν τινα εἶπε τοῖς πρώτοις τοῦ πολέμου ἐκείνου νεκροῖς καὶ αὐτὸς ἡγήσατο χρῆναι ἐπειπεῖν τῷ Σευηριανῷ.
Then, since Thucydides spoke a funeral oration over the first dead of that war, he also thought he ought to speak one over Severianus.
ἅπασι γὰρ αὐτοῖς πρὸς τὸν οὐδὲν αἴτιον τῶν ἐν Ἀρμενίᾳ κακῶν τὸν Θουκυδίδην ἡ ἅμιλλα.
For all of them have a rivalry against Thucydides, who is not at all responsible for the evils in Armenia.
θάψας οὖν τὸν Σευηριανὸν μεγαλοπρεπῶς ἀναβιβάζεται ἐπὶ τὸν τάφον Ἀφράνιόν τινα Σίλωνα ἑκατόνταρχον ἀνταγωνιστὴν Περικλέους ὃς τοιαῦτα καὶ τοσαῦτα ἐπερρητόρευσεν αὐτῷ ὥστε με νὴ τὰς Χάριτας πολλὰ πάνυ δακρῦσαι ὑπὸ τοῦ γέλωτος καὶ μάλιστα ὁπότε ὁ ῥήτωρ ὁ Ἀφράνιος ἐπὶ τέλει τοῦ λόγου δακρύων ἅμα σὺν οἰμωγῇ περιπαθεῖ ἐμέμνητο τῶν πολυτελῶν ἐκείνων δείπνων καὶ προπόσεων, εἶτα ἐπέθηκεν Αἰάντειόν τινα τὴν κορωνίδα· σπασάμενος γὰρ τὸ ξίφος, εὐγενῶς πάνυ καὶ ὡς Ἀφράνιον εἰκὸς ἦν, πάντων ὁρώντων ἀπέσφαξεν ἑαυτὸν ἐπὶ τῷ τάφῳ—οὐκ ἀνάξιος ὢν μὰ τὸν Ἐνυάλιον πρὸ πολλοῦ ἀποθανεῖν εἰ τοιαῦτα ἐρρητόρευεν.
Having buried Severianus magnificently, he therefore brings up onto the tomb a certain Afranius Silo, a centurion, a rival of Pericles, who delivered such and so many rhetorical speeches for him that, by the Graces, I shed very many tears from laughter, and especially when the orator Afranius, at the end of the speech, weeping together with passionate lamentation, remembered those expensive dinners and toasts, and then put on a certain Ajax-like finishing touch: for having drawn his sword, very nobly and as was fitting for Afranius, in the sight of all he cut his throat upon the tomb—not undeserving, by Enyalius, to have died long before if he spoke such rhetoric.
καὶ τοῦτο ἔφη ἰδόντας τοὺς παρόντας ἅπαντας θαυμάσαι καὶ ὑπερεπαινέσαι τὸν Ἀφράνιον.
And he said that all those present, seeing this, wondered and exceedingly praised Afranius.
ἐγὼ δὲ καὶ τὰ ἄλλα μὲν αὐτοῦ κατεγίγνωσκον μονονουχὶ ζωμῶν καὶ λοπάδων μεμνημένου καὶ ἐπιδακρύοντος τῇ τῶν πλακούντων μνήμῃ, τοῦτο δὲ μάλιστα ᾐτιασάμην, ὅτι μὴ τὸν συγγραφέα καὶ διδάσκαλον τοῦ δράματος προαποσφάξας ἀπέθανε.
But I, while condemning his other actions where he almost remembered soups and dishes and wept at the memory of cakes, blamed this most of all, that he did not die having first slaughtered the writer and teacher of the drama.
§27Πολλοὺς δὲ καὶ ἄλλους ὁμοίους τούτοις ἔχων σοι, ὦ ἑταῖρε, καταριθμήσασθαι, ὀλίγων ὅμως ἐπιμνησθεὶς ἐπὶ τὴν ἑτέραν ὑπόσχεσιν ἤδη μετελεύσομαι, τὴν συμβουλὴν ὅπως ἂν ἄμεινον συγγράφοι τις.
And although I have many others similar to these to count up for you, my friend, yet having mentioned a few, I will now proceed to the other promise, the advice on how one might write better.
εἰσὶ γάρ τινες, οἳ τὰ μεγάλα μὲν τῶν πεπραγμένων καὶ ἀξιομνημόνευτα παραλείπουσιν ἢ παραθέουσιν, ὑπὸ δὲ ἰδιωτείας καὶ ἀπειροκαλίας καὶ ἀγνοίας τῶν λεκτέων ἢ σιωπητέων τὰ μικρότατα πάνυ λιπαρῶς καὶ φιλοπόνως ἑρμηνεύουσιν ἐμβραδύνοντες, ὥσπερ ἂν εἴ τις τοῦ Διὸς τοῦ ἐν Ὀλυμπίᾳ τὸ μὲν ὅλον κάλλος τοσοῦτο καὶ τοιοῦτο ὂν μὴ βλέποι μηδὲ ἐπαινοίη μηδὲ τοῖς οὐκ εἰδόσιν ἐξηγοῖτο, τοῦ ὑποποδίου δὲ τό τε εὐθυεργὲς καὶ τὸ εὔξεστον θαυμάζοι καὶ τῆς κρηπῖδος τὸ εὔρυθμον, καὶ ταῦτα πάνυ μετὰ πολλῆς φροντίδος διεξιών.
For there are some who omit or run past the great and memorable of the deeds, but out of ignorance, bad taste, and ignorance of what should be said or kept silent, they express the smallest things very persistently and industriously, lingering on them; as if someone, while not seeing or praising or explaining to those who do not know the whole beauty of the Zeus in Olympia, which is so great and of such a kind, should yet admire the straightness and fine polish of the footstool, and the harmony of the pedestal, and go through these with very great care.