§22Ἀχαΐα μὲν γὰρ καὶ Ἰταλία πᾶσα ἐμπέπλησται τῶν σῶν ἔργων καὶ τῆς ἐπʼ αὐτοῖς δόξης· καὶ ὄναιό γε τῆς εὐκλείας.
For Achaea and all Italy are filled with your deeds and your reputation for them; and may you enjoy your 'fair fame'!
ὥστε πρὸς τοὺς θαυμάζοντας ἔγωγε τὰ ἐν Ἐφέσῳ νῦν πραττόμενα ὑπὸ σοῦ ἐκεῖνο λέγω, ὅπερ ἀληθέστατον, ὡς οὐκ ἂν ἐθαύμαζον εἰ τὰ πρῶτά σου ᾔδεισαν.
Therefore, to those who marvel at what is currently being done by you in Ephesus, I say that which is most true, that they would not marvel if they knew your past.
καίτοι καινὸν ἐνταῦθα καὶ τὸ πρὸς τὰς γυναῖκας προσέμαθες.
And yet, you have also learned there a new thing regarding women.
§23οὐ περὶ πόδα οὖν τῷ τοιούτῳ, εἰπέ μοι, ἀποφράδα ὀνομάζεσθαι;
Is it not, then, perfectly fitting for such a man, tell me, to be called 'apophras'?
ἀλλὰ τί, πρὸς Διός, καὶ φιλῆσαι τῷ στόματι προσέτι ἀξιώσεις ἡμᾶς ἐπʼ ἐκείνοις τοῖς ἔργοις;
But why, by Zeus, will you demand us further to kiss you with your mouth after those deeds?
τοῦτο γοῦν τὸ ὑβριστότατον ποιεῖς, καὶ μάλιστα πρὸς οὓς ἥκιστα ἐχρῆν, καὶ τοὺς ὁμιλητάς, οἷς ἱκανὰ ἦν ἐκεῖνα μόνα τὰ κακὰ τοῦ σοῦ στόματος ἀπολαύειν, τὸ βάρβαρον τῶν ὀνομάτων, τὸ τραχὺ τῆς φωνῆς, τὸ ἄκριτον, τὸ ἄτακτον, τὸ πάντῃ ἄμουσον, καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα· φιλῆσαι δέ σε ἐπὶ τούτοις μὴ γένοιτο, ὦ ἀλεξίκακε.
At any rate, you do this most insolent thing, and especially toward those to whom you least should, even your companions, for whom it was enough to suffer only those evils of your mouth, the barbarism of the words, the roughness of the voice, the indistinctness, the disorder, the complete lack of culture, and suchlike; but may it never happen that you kiss us on top of these, O averter of ill!
ἀσπίδα μᾶλλον ἢ ἔχιδναν φιλῆσαι ἄμεινον.
It is better to kiss an asp or a viper.
δῆγμα ἐκεῖ τὸ κινδύνευμα, καὶ ἄλγημα, καὶ ὁ ἰατρὸς εἰσκληθεὶς ἐπήμυνεν· ἀπὸ δὲ τοῦ σοῦ φιλήματος καὶ τοῦ ἰοῦ ἐκείνου τίς ἂν ἢ ἱεροῖς ἢ βωμοῖς προσέλθοι;
In that case, the danger is only a bite, and pain, and the doctor when called brings help; but from your kiss and that venom, who could approach holy rites or altars?
τίς δʼ ἂν θεὸς ἐπακούσειεν ἔτι εὐχομένου;
What god would still listen to one praying?
πόσων περιρραντηρίων, πόσων ποταμῶν δεῖ;
How many lustral basins, how many rivers are needed?
§24καὶ τοιοῦτος αὐτὸς ὢν κατεγέλας τῶν ἄλλων ἐπʼ ὀνόμασι καὶ ῥήμασιν, ἔργα τοιαῦτα καὶ τηλικαῦτα ἐργαζόμενος.
And being such a person yourself, you laughed at others for their terms and phrases, while committing such and so great deeds.
καίτοι ἐγὼ μὲν ἀποφράδα μὴ εἰδὼς ᾐσχυνόμην ἂν μᾶλλον, οὐχ ὅπως εἰπὼν ἀρνηθείην ἄν· σὲ δὲ οὐδεὶς ᾐτιάσατο ἡμῶν βρωμολόγους λέγοντα καὶ τροπομάσθλητας καὶ ῥησιμετρεῖν καὶ ἀθηνιῶ καὶ ἀνθοκρατεῖν καὶ σφενδικίζειν καὶ χειροβλιμᾶσθαι.
And yet, if I did not know the word 'apophras', I would have been more ashamed, let alone deny it after speaking it; but none of us accused you when you said 'bromologos', 'tropomasthletes', 'rheisimetreis', 'athenio', 'anthokratein', 'sphendikizein', and 'cheiroblimasthai'.
κακὸν κακῶς σε ὁ λόγιος Ἑρμῆς ἐπιτρίψειεν αὐτοῖς λόγοις.
May eloquent Hermes destroy you miserably with those very words!
ποῦ γὰρ ταῦτα τῶν βιβλίων εὑρίσκεις;
For where in books do you find these?
ἐν γωνίᾳ που τάχα τῶν ἰαλέμων τινὸς ποιητῶν κατορωρυγμένα, εὐρῶτος καὶ ἀραχνίων μεστά, ἤ που ἐκ τῶν Φιλαινίδος Δέλτων, ἃς διὰ χειρὸς ἔχεις.
Buried perhaps in some corner of the works of some lamentable poets, full of mold and cobwebs, or perhaps from the Tablets of Philainis, which you always have at hand.
σοῦ μέντοι καὶ τοῦ σοῦ στόματος ἄξια.
They are, however, worthy of you and your mouth.
§25ἐπεὶ δὲ τοῦ στόματος ἐμνήσθην, τί φαίης ἄν, εἴ σε ἡ γλῶττα ἐς δικαστήριον προσκαλεσαμένη — θῶμεν γὰρ οὕτως — ἀδικήματος καὶ τὸ μετριώτατον ὕβρεως διώκοι, λέγουσα
ἐγώ σε, ὦ ἀχάριστε, πένητα καὶ ἄπορον παραλαβοῦσα καὶ βίου δεόμενον, τὰ μὲν πρῶτα ἐν τοῖς θεάτροις εὐδοκιμεῖν ἐποίησα, νῦν μὲν Νίνον, νῦν δὲ Μητίοχον, εἶτα μετὰ μικρὸν Ἀχιλλέα τιθεῖσα· μετὰ ταῦτα δὲ παῖδας συλλαβίζειν διδάσκοντα μακρῷ χρόνῳ ἔβοσκον· ἤδη δὲ καὶ τοὺς ἀλλοτρίους τούτους λόγους ὑποκρινόμενον σοφιστὴν εἶναι δοκεῖν ἐποίησα καὶ τὴν μηδὲν προσήκουσαν δόξαν περιῆψα.
And since I have mentioned your mouth, what would you say if your tongue, summoning you to court—let us suppose it so—should prosecute you for wrongdoing, or at the very least for insolence, saying: 'I, you ungrateful wretch, took you in when you were poor, destitute, and in need of livelihood, and first made you popular in the theatres, casting you now as Ninus, now as Metiochus, and then a little later as Achilles; and after these things, I fed you for a long time when you were teaching children to spell; and now, acting out these speeches belonging to others, I made you seem to be a sophist and wrapped you in a reputation that does not belong to you.
τί τοίνυν τηλικοῦτο ἔχων ἐγκαλεῖν τοιαῦτά με διατίθης καὶ ἐπιτάττεις ἐπιτάγματα αἴσχιστα καὶ ὑπουργίας καταπτύστους;
Why, then, having such a great complaint, do you treat me thus and command the most shameful orders and despicable services?
οὐχ ἱκανά μοι τὰ ἐπὶ τῆς ἡμέρας ἔργα, ψεύδεσθαι καὶ ἐπιορκεῖν καὶ τοὺς τοσούτους ὕθλους καὶ λήρους διαντλεῖν, μᾶλλον δὲ τὸν βόρβορον τῶν λόγων ἐκείνων ἐμεῖν, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ νυκτὸς τὴν κακοδαίμονα σχολὴν ἄγειν ἐᾷς, ἀλλὰ μόνη σοι πάντα ποιῶ καὶ πατοῦμαι καὶ μιαίνομαι, καὶ ἀντὶ γλώττης ὅσα καὶ χειρὶ χρῆσθαι διέγνωκας καὶ ὥσπερ ἀλλοτρίαν ὑβρίζεις καὶ ἐπικλύζεις τοσούτοις κακοῖς.
Are my daytime deeds not enough for me, to lie, to commit perjury, and to pour out so many nonsense and trifles, or rather to vomit the filth of those words? But you do not even let me keep my miserable leisure at night, but I alone do everything for you, and am trampled and defiled; and instead of a tongue, you have resolved to use me for as many things as one would use a hand, and you abuse me as if I belonged to another, flooding me with so many evils.
λαλεῖν μοι ἔργον ἐστὶ μόνον, τὰ δὲ τοιαῦτα ποιεῖν καὶ πάσχειν ἄλλοις μέρεσι προστέτακται.
My task is only to speak, but to do and suffer such things has been assigned to other parts.
ὡς ὤφελε κἀμέ τις ὥσπερ τὴν τῆς Φιλομήλας ἐκτεμεῖν.
Would that someone had cut me out as they did Philomela's!
μακαριώτεραι γοῦν μοι αἱ γλῶτται τῶν τὰ τέκνα κατεδηδοκότων. §26πρὸς θεῶν, ἢν λέγῃ ταῦτα ἡ γλῶττα, ἰδίαν αὐτὴ φωνὴν λαβοῦσα καὶ τὸν πώγωνα συνήγορον ἐπικαλεσαμένη, τί ἂν ἀποκρίναιο αὐτῇ;
At least the tongues of those who devoured their children are happier than I.' By the gods, if your tongue should say these things, having taken a voice of its own and calling upon your beard as an advocate, what would you answer her?
ἐκεῖνα δῆλον ὅτι ἃ καὶ πρὸς τὸν Γλαῦκον ἔναγχος εἴρηταί σοι ἐπὶ πεπραγμένῳ ἤδη τῷ ἔργῳ αἰτιώμενον, ὡς ἐπὶ τούτῳ ἔνδοξος ἐν βραχεῖ καὶ γνώριμος ἅπασι γεγένησαι, πόθεν ἂν οὕτω περιβόητος ἐπὶ τοῖς λόγοις γενόμενος;
Clearly those things which you also said recently to Glaucus when he blamed you after the deed had already been done, namely, that because of this you have become famous in a short time and known to all; for from where else could you have become so notorious by your speeches?
ἀγαπητὸν δὲ ὁπωσοῦν κλεινὸν καὶ ὀνομαστὸν εἶναι.
And that it is welcome to be renowned and famous in any way whatsoever.
εἶτα καταριθμήσεις αὐτῇ τὰς πολλάς σου προσηγορίας, ὁπόσας κατὰ ἔθνη προσείληφας.
Then you will enumerate to her your many titles, as many as you have acquired among the nations.
ὃ καὶ θαυμάζω, ὅτι τὴν μὲν ἀποφράδα ἐδυσχέρανας ἀκούσας, ἐπʼ ἐκείνοις δὲ τοῖς ὀνόμασιν οὐκ ἠγανάκτεις,
And this is what I marvel at, that while you were displeased to hear yourself called 'apophras', you did not get angry at those other names,