§21οἱ φίλοι δὲ ἀναπηδάτωσαν ἀεὶ καὶ μισθὸν τῶν δείπνων ἀποτινέτωσαν, εἴ ποτε αἴσθοιντό σε καταπεσούμενον, χεῖρα ὀρέγοντες καὶ παρέχοντες εὑρεῖν τὸ λεχθησόμενον ἐν τοῖς μεταξὺ τῶν ἐπαίνων διαλείμμασι· καὶ γὰρ αὖ καὶ τοῦδε μελέτω σοι τὸν χορὸν ἔχειν οἰκεῖον καὶ συνᾴδοντα.
And let your friends always jump up and pay the price of their dinners, if ever they perceive you are about to fail, holding out a hand and providing you with the opportunity to find what is to be said next in the intervals between their praises; for indeed, you must also see to this, that you have a choir of your own that sings in harmony.
ταῦτα μέν σοι τὰ ἐν τοῖς λόγοις.
These, then, are your affairs in speeches.
μετὰ ταῦτα δὲ προϊόντα σε δορυφορείτωσαν ἐγκεκαλυμμένον αὐτὸν καὶ περὶ ὧν ἔφης μεταξὺ διαλαμβάνοντα.
After this, when you go out, let them escort you as a bodyguard, while you yourself are muffled up and discussing the points you made in the meantime.
καὶ ἤν τις ἐντύχῃ, θαυμάσια περὶ σαυτοῦ λέγε καὶ ὑπερεπαίνει καὶ ἐπαχθὴς γίγνου αὐτῷ. τί γὰρ ὁ Παιανιεὺς πρὸς ἐμὲ; καί,
πρὸς ἕνα ἴσως μοι τῶν παλαιῶν ὁ ἀγών
καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα.
And if you meet anyone, speak wonderful things about yourself, praise yourself to excess, and be offensive to him, saying: 'For what is the man of Paeania compared to me?' and 'My contest is perhaps with only one of the ancients,' and the like.
§22ὃ δὲ μέγιστον καὶ πρὸς τὸ εὐδοκιμεῖν ἀναγκαιότατον ὀλίγου δεῖν παρέλιπον, ἁπάντων καταγέλα τῶν λεγόντων.
And what is greatest and most necessary for gaining reputation, I had almost left out: laugh at all who speak.
καὶ ἢν μέν τις καλῶς εἴπῃ, ἀλλότρια καὶ οὐχ ἑαυτοῦ δεικνύειν δοκείτω· ἢν δὲ μετρίως ἐλεγχθῇ, πάντα ἔστω ἐπιλήψιμα.
And if someone speaks well, let it seem that he is displaying other people's property and not his own; and if he is moderately refuted, let everything be blameworthy.
καὶ ἐν ταῖς ἀκροάσεσι μετὰ πάντας εἰσιέναι χρή, ἐπίσημον γάρ· καὶ σιωπησάντων ἁπάντων ξένον τινὰ ἔπαινον ἐπειπεῖν τὰς ἀκοὰς τῶν παρόντων ἐπιστρέψοντα καὶ ἐνοχλήσοντα, ὡς ναυτιᾶν ἅπαντας ἐπὶ τῷ φορτικῷ τῶν ὀνομάτων καὶ ἐπιφράττεσθαι τὰ ὦτα.
And at recitations you must enter after everyone else, for that is conspicuous; and when all are silent, you must add some strange praise that will turn the ears of those present and annoy them, so that everyone feels sick at the vulgarity of the words and plugs their ears.
καὶ ἐπισείσῃς δὲ μὴ πολλάκις τὴν χεῖρα, εὐτελὲς γάρ, μηδʼ ἀναστῇς, πλὴν ἅπαξ γε ἢ δὶς τὸ πλεῖστον.
And do not wave your hand often, for that is cheap, nor stand up, except once or twice at most.
ὑπομειδία δὲ τὰ πολλὰ καὶ δῆλος γίγνου μὴ ἀρεσκόμενος τοῖς λεγομένοις.
Smile for the most part, and make it clear that you are not pleased with what is being said.
ἀμφιλαφεῖς δὲ αἱ ἀφορμαὶ τῶν μέμψεων τοῖς συκοφαντικοῖς τὰ ὦτα.
The pretexts for blame are abundant for those whose ears are prone to slander.
τὰ δ’ ἄλλα χρὴ θαρρεῖν· ἡ τόλμα γὰρ καὶ ἡ ἀναισχυντία καὶ ψεῦδος πρόχειρον καὶ ὅρκος ἐπʼ ἄκροις ἀεὶ τοῖς χείλεσι καὶ φθόνος πρὸς ἅπαντας καὶ μῖσος καὶ βλασφημία καὶ διαβολαὶ πιθαναί — ταῦτά σε ἀοίδιμον ἐν βραχεῖ καὶ περίβλεπτον ἀποφανεῖ.
As for the rest, you must be confident; for boldness, shamelessness, a ready lie, an oath always on the tip of the lips, envy toward all, hatred, blasphemy, and plausible slanders—these will make you famous in a short time and the object of all eyes.
§23τοιαῦτα μὲν τὰ φανερὰ καὶ τὰ ἔξω.
Such are the public and outward matters.
ἰδίᾳ δὲ πάντα πράγματα ποιεῖν σοι δεδόχθω, κυβεύειν μεθύσκεσθαι λαγνεύειν μοιχεύειν, ἢ αὐχεῖν γε, κἂν μὴ ποιῇς, καὶ πρὸς ἅπαντας λέγειν καὶ γραμματεῖα ὑποδεικνύναι ὑπὸ γυναικῶν δῆθεν γραφέντα.
In private, let it be your resolved purpose to do all things—to gamble, to get drunk, to be lecherous, to commit adultery, or at least to boast of them, even if you do not do them, and to speak of them to everyone, and to show letters written by women, or so they seem.
καλὸς γὰρ εἶναι θέλε καὶ σοὶ μελέτω ὑπὸ τῶν γυναικῶν σπουδάζεσθαι δοκεῖν· εἰς τὴν ῥητορικὴν γὰρ καὶ τοῦτο ἀνοίσουσιν οἱ πολλοί, ὡς διὰ τοῦτό σου καὶ ἄχρι τῆς γυναικωνίτιδος εὐδοκιμοῦντος.
For wish to be handsome, and let it be your care to seem to be eagerly pursued by women; for the majority will refer this also to your rhetoric, as though you are famous even up to the women's quarters because of it.
καὶ τὸ δεῖνα δέ, μὴ αἰδεσθῇς, εἰ καὶ πρὸς ἀνδρῶν ἐπὶ τῷ ἑτέρῳ ἐρᾶσθαι δοκοίης, καὶ ταῦτα γενειήτης ἢ καὶ νὴ Δία φαλακρὸς ἤδη ὤν.
And another thing—do not be ashamed if you also seem to be loved by men in the passive way, even though you are bearded or indeed, by Zeus, already bald.
ἀλλʼ ἔστωσαν οἱ καὶ ἐπὶ τούτῳ συνόντες· ἢν δὲ μὴ ὦσιν, οἰκέται ἱκανοί.
Rather, let there be those who associate with you for this purpose; and if there are none, house-slaves are sufficient.
πολλὰ γὰρ καὶ ἐκ τοῦ τοιούτου πρὸς τὴν ῥητορικὴν χρήσιμα παραγίγνεται· πλείων ἡ ἀναισχυντία καὶ θράσος.
For many useful things for rhetoric come also from such a source: more shamelessness and boldness.
ὁρᾷς ὡς λαλίστεραι αἱ γυναῖκες καὶ λοιδοροῦνται περιττῶς καὶ ὑπὲρ τοὺς ἄνδρας;
Do you see how women are more talkative and abuse each other excessively and beyond men?
εἰ δὴ τὰ ὅμοια πάσχοις, καὶ ταῦτα διοίσεις τῶν ἄλλων.
If, then, you suffer the same things, in this also you will excel others.
καὶ μὴν καὶ πιττοῦσθαι χρή, μάλιστα μὲν τὰ πάντα, εἰ δὲ μή, πάντως ἐκεῖνα.
Furthermore, you must depilate yourself with pitch, preferably the whole body, but if not, at least those parts by all means.
καὶ αὐτὸ δέ σοι τὸ στόμα πρὸς ἅπαντα ὁμοίως κεχηνέτω, καὶ ἡ γλῶττα ὑπηρετείτω καὶ πρὸς τοὺς λόγους καὶ πρὸς τὰ ἄλλα ὁπόσα ἂν δύνηται.
And let your mouth itself be similarly agape for all things, and let your tongue serve both for speeches and for all other things it can.
δύναται δὲ οὐ σολοικίζειν μόνον καὶ βαρβαρίζειν οὐδὲ ληρεῖν ἢ ἐπιορκεῖν ἢ λοιδορεῖσθαι ἢ διαβάλλειν καὶ ψεύδεσθαι, ἀλλὰ καὶ νύκτωρ τι ἄλλο ὑποτελεῖν, καὶ μάλιστα ἢν πρὸς οὕτω πολλοὺς τοὺς ἔρωτας μὴ διαρκέσῃς.
And it can not only make solecisms and barbarisms, nor babble or perjure or abuse or slander and lie, but also perform some other service by night, especially if you are not sufficient for so many lovers.
πάντα αὐτή γε ἐπιστάσθω καὶ γονιμωτέρα γιγνέσθω καὶ μηδὲν ἀποστρεφέσθω.
Let the tongue herself know all things, and become more fertile, and reject nothing.