§10Διογένης
ἃ δὲ μάλιστα δεῖ προσεῖναι, ταῦτά ἐστιν· ἰταμὸν χρὴ εἶναι καὶ θρασὺν καὶ λοιδορεῖσθαι πᾶσιν ἑξῆς καὶ βασιλεῦσι καὶ ἰδιώταις· οὕτω γὰρ ἀποβλέψονταί σε καὶ ἀνδρεῖον ὑπολήψονται.
Diogenes: And the things that must especially be present are these: you must be aggressive and bold, and abuse everyone in turn, both kings and private citizens; for thus they will look up to you and suppose you to be manly.
βάρβαρος δὲ ἡ φωνὴ ἔστω καὶ ἀπηχὲς τὸ φθέγμα καὶ ἀτεχνῶς ὅμοιον κυνί, καὶ πρόσωπον δὲ ἐντεταμένον καὶ βάδισμα τοιούτῳ προσώπῳ πρέπον, καὶ ὅλως θηριώδη τὰ πάντα καὶ ἄγρια.
Let your voice be barbarous and your speech harsh and absolutely like a dog's, and let your face be strained and your gait suitable to such a face, and in short, let everything be beastly and wild.
αἰδὼς δὲ καὶ ἐπιείκεια καὶ μετριότης ἀπέστω, καὶ τὸ ἐρυθριᾶν ἀπόξυσον τοῦ προσώπου παντελῶς.
Let shame, decency, and moderation be far from you, and wipe off blushing from your face entirely.
δίωκε δὲ τὰ πολυανθρωπότατα τῶν χωρίων, καὶ ἐν αὐτοῖς τούτοις μόνος καὶ ἀκοινώνητος εἶναι θέλε μὴ φίλον, μὴ ξένον προσιέμενος· κατάλυσις γὰρ τὰ τοιαῦτα τῆς ἀρχῆς.
Seek out the most crowded places, and in these very places wish to be alone and unsociable, admitting neither friend nor stranger; for such things are the ruin of your rule.
ἐν ὄψει δὲ πάντων, ἃ μηδὲ ἰδίᾳ ποιήσειεν ἄν τις, θαρρῶν ποίει, καὶ τῶν ἀφροδισίων αἱροῦ τὰ γελοιότερα, καὶ τέλος, ἤν σοι δοκῇ, πολύποδα ὠμὸν ἢ σηπίαν φαγὼν ἀπόθανε.
In the sight of all, do with confidence what no one would do even in private, and choose the more ridiculous of sexual pleasures, and finally, if you think fit, die by eating raw octopus or cuttlefish.
ταύτην σοι τὴν εὐδαιμονίαν προξενοῦμεν.
This is the happiness we procure for you.
§11Ἀγοράστης
ἄπαγε·
Buyer: Go away!
μιαρὰ γὰρ καὶ οὐκ ἀνθρώπινα λέγεις.
What you say is filthy and subhuman.
Διογένης
ἀλλὰ ῥᾷστά γε, ὦ οὗτος, καὶ πᾶσιν εὐχερῆ μετελθεῖν·
Diogenes: But it is the easiest, my good man, and simple for everyone to pursue.
οὐ γάρ σοι δεήσει παιδείας καὶ λόγων καὶ λήρων, ἀλλʼ ἐπίτομος αὕτη σοι πρὸς δόξαν ἡ ὁδός·
For you will have no need of education, arguments, or nonsense; this is a shortcut for you to glory.
κἂν ἰδιώτης ᾖς, ἤτοι σκυτοδέψης ἢ ταριχοπώλης ἢ τέκτων ἢ τραπεζίτης, οὐδέν σε κωλύσει θαυμαστὸν εἴναι, ἢν μόνον ἡ ἀναίδεια καὶ τὸ θράσος παρῇ καὶ λοιδορεῖσθαι καλῶς ἐκμάθῃς.
Even if you are a private citizen, whether a tanner or a seller of salt-fish, a carpenter or a banker, nothing will prevent you from being wonderful, if only shamelessness and boldness are present and you learn how to abuse people well.
Ἀγοράστης
πρὸς ταῦτα μὲν οὐ δέομαί σου.
Buyer: For such things I have no need of you.
ναύτης δʼ ἂν ἴσως ἢ κηπουρὸς ἐν καιρῷ γένοιο, καὶ ταῦτα, ἢν ἐθέλῃ σε ἀποδόσθαι οὑτοσὶ τὸ μέγιστον δύʼ ὀβολῶν.
But perhaps you might be useful in season as a sailor or a gardener—and that, only if this fellow here is willing to sell you for at most two obols.
Ἑρμῆς
ἔχε λαβών· καὶ γὰρ ἄσμενοι ἀπαλλαξόμεθα ἐνοχλοῦντος αὐτοῦ καὶ βοῶντος καὶ ἅπαντας ἁπαξαπλῶς ὑβρίζοντος καὶ ἀγορεύοντος κακῶς.
Hermes: Take him and have him; for we too shall gladly be rid of him, since he annoys us, shouts, insults everyone without exception, and speaks ill of all.
§12Ζεύς
ἄλλον κάλει τὸν Κυρηναῖον, τὸν ἐν τῇ πορφυρίδι, τὸν ἐστεφανωμένον.
Zeus: Call another, the Cyrenaic, the one in the purple robe, wearing the garland.
Ἑρμῆς
ἄγε δή, πρόσεχε πᾶς·
Hermes: Come now, everyone pay attention!
πολυτελὲς τὸ χρῆμα καὶ πλουσίων δεόμενον.
A costly article, and one requiring rich men.
βίος οὗτος ἥδιστος, βίος τρισμακάριστος.
This life is sweetest, a life thrice-blessed.
τίς ἐπιθυμεῖ τρυφῆς;
Who desires luxury?
τίς ὠνεῖται τὸν ἁβρότατον;
Who will buy the most delicate one?
Ἀγοράστης
ἐλθὲ σὺ καὶ λέγε ἅπερ εἰδὼς τυγχάνεις· ὠνήσομαι γάρ σε, ἢν ὠφέλιμος ᾖς.
Buyer: Come here and tell me what you happen to know; for I will buy you if you are useful.
Ἑρμῆς
μὴ ἐνόχλει αὐτόν, ὦ βέλτιστε, μηδὲ ἀνάκρινε· μεθύει γάρ.
Hermes: Do not trouble him, my good man, nor question him; for he is drunk.
ὥστε οὐκ ἂν ἀποκρίναιτό σοι, τὴν γλῶτταν, ὡς ὁρᾷς, διολισθάνων.
So he would not answer you, slipping as he does with his tongue, as you see.
Ἀγοράστης
καὶ τίς ἂν εὖ φρονῶν πρίαιτο διεφθαρμένον οὕτω καὶ ἀκόλαστον ἀνδράποδον;
Buyer: And who in his right mind would buy a slave so ruined and licentious?
ὅσον δὲ καὶ ἀποπνεῖ μύρων, ὡς δὲ καὶ σφαλερὸν βαδίζει καὶ παράφορον.
How he reeks of perfume, and how unsteady and reeling is his gait!
ἀλλὰ κἂν σύ γε, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, λέγε ὁποῖα πρόσεστιν αὐτῷ καὶ ἃ μετιὼν τυγχάνει.
But at least you, Hermes, tell me what qualities belong to him and what he happens to pursue.
Ἑρμῆς
τὸ μὲν ὅλον, συμβιῶναι δεξιὸς καὶ συμπιεῖν ἱκανὸς καὶ κωμάσαι μετὰ αὐλητρίδος ἐπιτήδειος ἐρῶντι καὶ ἀσώτῳ δεσπότῃ· τὰ ἄλλα δὲ πεμμάτων ἐπιστήμων καὶ ὀψοποιὸς ἐμπειρότατος, καὶ ὅλως σοφιστὴς ἡδυπαθείας.
Hermes: On the whole, he is clever at living with others, capable of drinking with them, and fit to reel with a flute-girl for an amorous and extravagant master; as for the rest, he is knowledgeable in pastries, a most experienced cook, and in short, a sophist of pleasure.
ἐπαιδεύθη μὲν οὖν Ἀθήνησιν, ἐδούλευσε δὲ καὶ περὶ Σικελίαν τοῖς τυράννοις καὶ σφόδρα εὐδοκίμει παρʼ αὐτοῖς.
He was educated indeed in Athens, and served the tyrants around Sicily, and was in very high repute with them.
τὸ δὲ κεφάλαιον τῆς προαιρέσεως, ἁπάντων καταφρονεῖν, ἅπασι χρῆσθαι, πανταχόθεν ἐρανίζεσθαι τὴν ἡδονήν.
The sum of his choice is: to despise all things, to make use of all things, and to gather pleasure from everywhere.
Ἀγοράστης
ὥρα σοι ἄλλον περιβλέπειν τῶν πλουσίων τούτων καὶ πολυχρημάτων· ἐγὼ μὲν γὰρ οὐκ ἐπιτήδειος ἱλαρὸν ὠνεῖσθαι βίον.
Buyer: It is time for you to look around for someone else among these rich and wealthy men; for I am not suited to buy a jovial life.
Ἑρμῆς
Ἄπρατος ἔοικεν ἡμῖν οὗτος, ὦ Ζεῦ, μένειν.
Hermes: This one seems to remain unsold for us, O Zeus.
§13Ζεύς
Μετάστησον· ἄλλον παράγε· μᾶλλον δὲ τὼ δύο τούτω, τὸν γελῶντα τὸν Ἀβδηρόθεν καὶ τὸν κλάοντα τὸν ἐξ Ἐφέσου· ἅμα γὰρ αὐτὼ πεπρᾶσθαι βούλομαι.
Zeus: Send him away; bring forward another; or rather, these two, the laughing one from Abdera and the weeping one from Ephesus; for I want them to be sold together.
Ἑρμῆς
κατάβητον ἐς τὸ μέσον.
Hermes: Step down into the middle.
τὼ ἀρίστω βίω πωλῶ, τὼ σοφωτάτω πάντων ἀποκηρύττομεν.
I sell the two best lives; we offer for sale the two wisest of all.
Ἀγοράστης
ὦ Ζεῦ τῆς ἐναντιότητος.
Buyer: O Zeus, what a contrast!
ὁ μὲν οὐ διαλείπει γελῶν, ὁ δέ τινα ἔοικε πενθεῖν· δακρύει γοῦν τὸ παράπαν.
One does not cease laughing, while the other seems to be mourning someone; at any rate, he is weeping altogether.
τί ταῦτα, ὦ οὗτος;
What is this, you there?
τί γελᾷς;
Why do you laugh?
Δημόκριτος
ἐρωτᾷς;
Democritus: Do you ask?
ὅτι μοι γελοῖα πάντα δοκέει τὰ πρήγματα ὑμέων καὶ αὐτοὶ ὑμέες.
Because to me all your affairs and you yourselves seem ridiculous.
Ἀγοράστης
πῶς λέγεις;
Buyer: How do you mean?
καταγελᾷς ἡμῶν ἁπάντων καὶ παρʼ οὐδὲν τίθεσαι τὰ ἡμέτερα πράγματα;
Do you laugh at all of us and set our affairs at nothing?
Δημόκριτος
ὧδε ἔχει· σπουδαῖον γὰρ ἐν αὐτέοισιν οὐδέν, κενεὰ δὲ πάντα καὶ ἀτόμων φορὴ καὶ ἀπειρίη.
Democritus: Even so; for there is nothing serious in them, but all are empty, and a drift of atoms, and infinity.
Ἀγοράστης
οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἀλλὰ σὺ κενὸς ὡς ἀληθῶς καὶ ἄπειρος.
Buyer: Not so indeed, but you are truly empty and ignorant.