§6Ἀγοράστης
ἀλλὰ τάδε μὲν ἱκανῶς.
Buyer: So much for that.
τὰ δʼ ἀμφὶ δίαιταν ὁποῖός τις εἶ;
What are you like regarding your diet?
Πυθαγόρας
ἐμψυχήϊον μὲν οὐδὲ ἓν σιτέομαι, τὰ δὲ ἄλλα πλὴν κυάμων.
Pythagoras: I eat absolutely nothing that has life, but everything else, except beans.
Ἀγοράστης
τίνος ἕνεκα;
Buyer: For what reason?
ἢ μυσάττῃ τοὺς κυάμους;
Or do you loathe beans?
Πυθαγόρας
οὔκ, ἀλλὰ ἱροί εἰσι καὶ θωυμαστὴ αὐτέων ἡ φύσις· πρῶτον μὲν γὰρ τὸ πᾶν γονή εἰσι, καὶ ἢν ἀποδύσῃς κύαμον ἔτι χλωρὸν ἐόντα, ὄψεαι τοῖσιν ἀνδρείοισι μορίοισιν ἐμφερέα τὴν φυήν· ἑψηθέντα δὲ ἢν ἀφῇς ἐς τὴν σεληναίην νυξὶ μεμετρημένῃσιν, αἷμα ποιήσεις.
Pythagoras: No, but they are sacred and their nature is wonderful; for first, they are entirely generation, and if you strip a bean while it is still green, you will see its form resembling the male parts; and if, after boiling it, you expose it to the moonlight for a measured number of nights, you will make blood.
τὸ δὲ μέζον, Ἀθηναίοισι νόμος κυάμοισι τὰς ἀρχὰς αἱρέεσθαι.
And what is greater, it is a custom for the Athenians to choose their offices by beans.
Ἀγοράστης
καλῶς πάντα ἔφης καὶ ἱεροπρεπῶς.
Buyer: You have spoken all things well and in a manner befitting sacred things.
ἀλλὰ ἀπόδυθι, καὶ γυμνὸν γάρ σε ἰδεῖν βούλομαι.
But strip, for I want to see you naked.
ὦ Ἡράκλεις, χρυσοῦς αὐτῷ ὁ μηρός ἐστι.
By Heracles, his thigh is of gold!
θεός, οὐ βροτός τις εἶναι φαίνεται· ὥστε ὠνήσομαι πάντως αὐτόν.
He seems to be a god, not some mortal; so I will buy him by all means.
πόσου τοῦτον ἀποκηρύττεις;
For how much do you offer him?
Ἑρμῆς
δέκα μνῶν.
Hermes: Ten minae.
Ἀγοράστης
ἔχω τοσούτου λαβών.
Buyer: I take him at that price.
Ζεύς
γράφε τοῦ ὠνησαμένου τοὔνομα καὶ ὅθεν ἐστίν.
Zeus: Write down the buyer's name and where he is from.
Ἑρμῆς
Ἰταλιώτης, ὦ Ζεῦ, δοκεῖ τις εἶναι τῶν ἀμφὶ Κρότωνα καὶ Τάραντα καὶ τὴν ταύτῃ Ἑλλάδα· καίτοι οὐχ εἷς, ἀλλὰ τριακόσιοι σχεδὸν ἐώνηνται κατὰ κοινὸν αὐτόν.
Hermes: He seems to be an Italian Greek, O Zeus, one of those around Croton and Tarentum and the Greece in that region; and yet, not one, but nearly three hundred have bought him in common.
Ζεύς
Ἀπαγέτωσαν· ἄλλον παράγωμεν.
Zeus: Let them lead him away; let us bring forward another.
§7Ἑρμῆς
βούλει τὸν αὐχμῶντα ἐκεῖνον, τὸν Ποντικόν;
Hermes: Do you want that dirty fellow, the one from Pontus?
Ζεύς
πάνυ μὲν οὖν.
Zeus: By all means.
Ἑρμῆς
οὗτος ὁ τὴν πήραν ἐξηρτημένος, ὁ ἐξωμίας, ἐλθὲ καὶ περίιθι ἐν κύκλῳ τὸ συνέδριον.
Hermes: You there, with the wallet slung about you, wearing the exomis, come forward and go around the assembly in a circle.
βίον ἀνδρικὸν πωλῶ, βίον ἄριστον καὶ γεννικόν, βίον ἐλεύθερον·
I sell a manly life, an excellent and noble life, a free life!
τίς ὠνήσεται;
Who will buy?
Ἀγοράστης
ὁ κῆρυξ πῶς ἔφης σύ;
Buyer: Town-crier, how did you say?
πωλεῖς τὸν ἐλεύθερον;
You sell a free man?
Ἑρμῆς
ἔγωγε.
Hermes: Indeed I do.
Ἀγοράστης
εἶτʼ οὐ δέδιας μή σοι δικάσηται ἀνδραποδισμοῦ ἢ καὶ προκαλέσηταί σε εἰς Ἄρειον πάγον;
Buyer: And then, are you not afraid lest he bring an action against you for kidnapping, or even summon you before the Areopagus?
Ἑρμῆς
οὐδὲν αὐτῷ μέλει τῆς πράσεως· οἴεται γὰρ εἶναι παντάπασιν ἐλεύθερος.
Hermes: He does not care at all about the sale; for he thinks he is altogether free.
Ἀγοράστης
τί δʼ ἄν τις αὐτῷ χρήσαιτο ῥυπῶντι καὶ οὕτω κακοδαιμόνως διακειμένῳ;
Buyer: And what could anyone do with him, dirty and in such a miserable state?
πλὴν εἰ μὴ σκαπανέα γε καὶ ὑδροφόρον αὐτὸν ἀποδεικτέον.
Unless indeed he is to be made a ditcher or a water-carrier.
Ἑρμῆς
οὐ μόνον, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἢν θυρωρὸν αὐτὸν ἐπιστήσῃς, πολὺ πιστοτέρῳ χρήσῃ τῶν κυνῶν.
Hermes: Not only that, but if you set him up as a doorkeeper, you will have one far more faithful than dogs.
ἀμέλει κύων αὐτῷ καὶ τὸ ὄνομα.
Indeed, 'dog' is even his name.
Ἀγοράστης
ποδαπὸς δέ ἐστιν ἢ τίνα τὴν ἄσκησιν ἐπαγγέλλεται;
Buyer: Where is he from, or what discipline does he profess?
Ἑρμῆς
αὐτὸν ἐροῦ· κάλλιον γὰρ οὕτω ποιεῖν.
Hermes: Ask him yourself; for it is better to do so.
Ἀγοράστης
δέδια τὸ σκυθρωπὸν αὐτοῦ καὶ κατηφές, μή με ὑλακτήσῃ προσελθόντα ἢ καὶ νὴ Δία δάκῃ γε.
Buyer: I fear his sullen and downcast look, lest he bark at me as I approach, or even, by Zeus, bite me!
οὐχ ὁρᾷς ὡς διῆρται τὸ ξύλον καὶ συνέσπακε τὰς ὀφρῦς καὶ ἀπειλητικόν τι καὶ χολῶδες ὑποβλέπει;
Do you not see how his club is raised, and how he has knitted his brows, and looks at me with a threatening and angry glare?
Ἑρμῆς
μὴ δέδιθι· τιθασὸς γάρ ἐστι.
Hermes: Do not fear; for he is tame.
§8Ἀγοράστης
τὸ πρῶτον, ὦ βέλτιστε, ποδαπὸς εἶ;
Buyer: First of all, my good man, where are you from?
Διογένης
παντοδαπός.
Diogenes: From everywhere.
Ἀγοράστης
πῶς λέγεις;
Buyer: What do you mean?
Διογένης
τοῦ κόσμου πολίτην ὁρᾷς.
Diogenes: You see a citizen of the world.
Ἀγοράστης
ζηλοῖς δὲ δὴ τίνα;
Buyer: And whom, pray, do you emulate?
Διογένης
τὸν Ἡρακλέα.
Diogenes: Heracles.
Ἀγοράστης
τί οὖν οὐχὶ καὶ λεοντῆν ἀμπέχῃ;
Buyer: Why then do you not also wear a lion's skin?
τὸ μὲν γὰρ ξύλον ἔοικας αὐτῷ.
For you resemble him in your club.
Διογένης
τουτί μοι λεοντῆ, τὸ τριβώνιον.
Diogenes: This is my lion's skin: this worn cloak.
στρατεύομαι δὲ ὥσπερ ἐκεῖνος ἐπὶ τὰς ἡδονάς, οὐ κελευστός, ἀλλὰ ἑκούσιος, ἐκκαθᾶραι τὸν βίον προαιρούμενος.
And I campaign against pleasures just as he did, not under orders, but voluntarily, choosing to cleanse life.
Ἀγοράστης
εὖ γε τῆς προαιρέσεως.
Buyer: A noble choice indeed!
ἀλλὰ τί μάλιστα εἰδέναι σε φῶμεν; ἢ τίνα τὴν τέχνην ἔχεις;
But what shall we say you know best, or what is your art?
Διογένης
ἐλευθερωτής εἰμι τῶν ἀνθρώπων καὶ ἰατρὸς τῶν παθῶν· τὸ δὲ ὅλον ἀληθείας καὶ παρρησίας προφήτης εἶναι βούλομαι.
Diogenes: I am a deliverer of men and a physician of the passions; and in short, I wish to be a prophet of truth and of free speech.
§9Ἀγοράστης
εὖ γε, ὦ προφῆτα·
Buyer: Excellent, O prophet!
ἢν δὲ πρίωμαί σε, τίνα με τὸν τρόπον διασκήσεις;
But if I buy you, in what way will you train me?
Διογένης
πρῶτον μὲν παραλαβών σε καὶ ἀποδύσας τὴν τρυφὴν καὶ ἀπορίᾳ συγκατακλείσας τριβώνιον περιβαλῶ, μετὰ δὲ πονεῖν καὶ κάμνειν καταναγκάσω χαμαὶ καθεύδοντα καὶ ὕδωρ πίνοντα καὶ ὧν ἔτυχεν ἐμπιμπλάμενον, τὰ δὲ χρήματα, ἢν ἔχῃς, ἐμοὶ πειθόμενος εἰς τὴν θάλατταν φέρων ἐμβαλεῖς, γάμου δὲ ἀμελήσεις καὶ παίδων καὶ πατρίδος, καὶ πάντα σοι ταῦτα λῆρος ἔσται, καὶ τὴν πατρῴαν οἰκίαν ἀπολιπὼν ἢ τάφον οἰκήσεις ἢ πυργίον ἔρημον ἢ καὶ πίθον·
Diogenes: First of all, taking charge of you and stripping away your luxury, and shutting you up in poverty, I will put a worn cloak on you. Next, I will compel you to toil and labor, sleeping on the ground, drinking water, and filling yourself with whatever happens to be at hand. If you have any money, in obedience to me you will take and cast it into the sea. You will disregard marriage, children, and country; and all these things will be nonsense to you. Leaving your ancestral home, you will inhabit either a tomb, a deserted tower, or even a jar.
ἡ πήρα δέ σοι θέρμων ἔσται μεστὴ καὶ ὀπισθογράφων βιβλίων·
Your wallet will be full of lupines and books written on both sides.
καὶ οὕτως ἔχων εὐδαιμονέστερος εἶναι φήσεις τοῦ μεγάλου βασιλέως.
And being in this condition, you will declare yourself happier than the Great King.
ἢν μαστιγοῖ δέ τις ἢ στρεβλοῖ, τούτων οὐδὲν ἀνιαρὸν ἡγήσῃ.
If someone should scourge or torture you, you will consider none of these things painful.
Ἀγοράστης
πῶς τοῦτο φὴς τὸ μὴ ἀλγεῖν μαστιγούμενον;
Buyer: How do you say this, not to feel pain when scourged?
οὐ γὰρ χελώνης ἢ καράβου τὸ δέρμα περιβέβλημαι.
For I am not clothed in the skin of a tortoise or a lobster.
Διογένης
τὸ Εὐριπίδειον ἐκεῖνο ζηλώσεις μικρὸν ἐναλλάξας.
Diogenes: You will emulate that famous line of Euripides, changing it slightly.
Ἀγοράστης
τὸ ποῖον;
Buyer: Which one?
Διογένης
ἡ φρήν σοι ἀλγήσει, ἡ δὲ γλῶσσα ἔσται ἀνάλγητος.
Diogenes: Your heart will ache, but your tongue will be pain-free.