§38πρεσβύτου δέ τινος Ῥωμαίου εὐσωματοῦντος τὴν ἐνόπλιον αὐτῷ μάχην πρὸς πάτταλον ἐπιδειξαμένου καὶ ἐρομένου, Πῶς σοι, Δημῶναξ, μεμαχῆσθαι ἔδοξα; καλῶς, ἔφη, ἂν ξύλινον τὸν ἀνταγωνιστὴν ἔχῃς. §39καὶ μὴν καὶ πρὸς τὰς ἀπόρους τῶν ἐρωτήσεων πάνυ εὐστόχως παρεσκεύαστο· ἐρομένου γάρ τινος ἐπὶ χλευασμῷ, Εἰ χιλίας μνᾶς ξύλων καύσαιμι, ὦ Δημῶναξ, πόσαι μναῖ ἂν καπνοῦ γένοιντο; στῆσον, ἔφη, τὴν σποδόν, καὶ τὸ λοιπὸν πᾶν καπνὸς ἔσται. §40Πολυβίου δέ τινος, κομιδῇ ἀπαιδεύτου ἀνθρώπου καὶ σολοίκου, εἰπόντος, Ὁ βασιλεύς με τῇ Ῥωμαίων πολιτείᾳ τετίμηκεν· εἴθε σε, ἔφη, Ἕλληνα μᾶλλον ἢ Ῥωμαῖον πεποιήκει. §41ἰδὼν δέ τινα τῶν εὐπαρύφων ἐπὶ τῷ πλάτει τῆς πορφύρας μέγα φρονοῦντα, κύψας αὐτοῦ πρὸς τὸ οὖς καὶ τῆς ἐσθῆτος λαβόμενος καὶ δείξας, Τοῦτο μέντοι πρὸ σοῦ πρόβατον ἐφόρει καὶ ἦν πρόβατον. §42ἐπεὶ μέντοι λουόμενος ὤκνησεν ἐς τὸ ὕδωρ ζέον ἐμβῆναι, καὶ ᾐτιάσατό τις ὡς ἀποδειλιάσαντα, Εἰπέ μοι, ἔφη, ὑπὲρ πατρίδος αὐτὸ πείσεσθαι ἔμελλον; §43ἐρομένου δέ τινος, Ποῖα νομίζεις εἶναι τὰ ἐν Ἅιδου; περίμεινον, ἔφη, κἀκεῖθέν σοι ἐπιστελῶ. §44Ἀδμήτῳ δέ τινι ποιητῇ φαύλῳ λέγοντι γεγραφέναι μονόστιχον ἐπίγραμμα, ὅπερ ἐν ταῖς διαθήκαις κεκέλευκεν ἐπιγραφῆναι αὑτοῦ τῇ στήλῃ — οὐ χεῖρον δὲ καὶ αὐτὸ εἰπεῖν,
"Γαῖα λάβʼ Ἀδμήτου ἔλυτρον, βῆ δʼ εἰς θεὸν αὐτός —"
γελάσας εἶπεν, Οὕτω καλόν ἐστιν, ὦ Ἄδμητε, τὸ ἐπίγραμμα, ὥστε ἐβουλόμην αὐτὸ ἤδη ἐπιγεγράφθαι. §45ἰδὼν δέ τις ἐπὶ τῶν σκελῶν αὐτοῦ οἷα τοῖς γέρουσιν ἐπιεικῶς γίνεται, ἤρετο, Τί τοῦτο, ὦ Δημῶναξ; ὁ δὲ μειδιάσας, Χάρων με ἔδακεν, ἔφη. §46καὶ μέντοι καὶ Λακεδαιμόνιόν τινα ἰδὼν τὸν αὑτοῦ οἰκέτην μαστιγοῦντα, Παῦσαι, ἔφη, ὁμότιμον σαυτοῦ τὸν δοῦλον ἀποφαίνων. §47Δανάης δέ τινος πρὸς τὸν ἀδελφὸν δίκην ἐχούσης, Κρίθητι, ἔφη, οὐ γὰρ εἶ Δανάη ἡ Ἀκρισίου θυγάτηρ. §48μάλιστα δὲ ἐπολέμει τοῖς οὐ πρὸς ἀλήθειαν ἀλλὰ πρὸς ἐπίδειξιν φιλοσοφοῦσιν· ἕνα γοῦν ἰδὼν Κυνικὸν τρίβωνα μὲν καὶ πήραν ἔχοντα, ἀντὶ δὲ τῆς βακτηρίας ὕπερον, καὶ κεκραγότα καὶ λέγοντα ὅτι Ἀντισθένους καὶ Κράτητος καὶ Διογένους ἐστὶ ζηλωτής, Μὴ ψεύδου, ἔφη, σὺ γὰρ Ὑπερείδου μαθητὴς ὢν τυγχάνεις. §49ἐπεὶ μέντοι πολλοὺς τῶν ἀθλητῶν ἑώρα κακομαχοῦντας καὶ παρὰ τὸν νόμον τὸν ἐναγώνιον ἀντὶ τοῦ παγκρατιάζειν δάκνοντας, Οὐκ ἀπεικότως, ἔφη, τοὺς νῦν ἀθλητὰς οἱ παρομαρτοῦντες λέοντας καλοῦσιν.
When a certain robust Roman elder exhibited to him his armed combat against a wooden post and asked, "How did I seem to you, Demonax, to have fought?" he said, "Well, if you have a wooden opponent." Moreover, he was extremely well prepared for difficult questions; for when someone asked him in mockery, "If I should burn a thousand minas of wood, Demonax, how many minas of smoke would there be?" he said, "Weigh the ashes, and all the rest will be smoke." When a certain Polybius, an utterly uneducated and solecistic man, said, "The Emperor has honored me with Roman citizenship," he said, "If only he had made you a Greek rather than a Roman." Seeing one of the wealthy men priding himself on the width of his purple border, he bent down to his ear, took hold of his garment, and showing it said, "And yet, a sheep used to wear this before you, and it was a sheep." When, however, while bathing he hesitated to enter the boiling water, and someone accused him of playing the coward, he said, "Tell me, was I about to suffer this for my country?" When someone asked, "What kind of things do you think are in Hades?" he said, "Wait, and I will write to you from there." When Admetus, a bad poet, said that he had written a single-line epigram, which he had ordered in his will to be inscribed on his tombstone—and it is not worse to quote it here, "Let earth receive the shell of Admetus, but he himself has gone to a god"— Demonax laughed and said, "The epigram is so beautiful, Admetus, that I wish it were already inscribed." When someone saw on his legs the kind of things that usually happen to old men, and asked, "What is this, Demonax?" he smiled and said, "Charon has bitten me." And indeed, seeing a certain Lacedaemonian whipping his own slave, he said, "Stop, you are showing your slave to be of equal status with yourself." When a certain Danae was having a lawsuit with her brother, he said, "Go to court, for you are not Danae, the daughter of Acrisius." He especially fought against those who philosophize not for truth but for show; at any rate, seeing a certain Cynic holding a cloak and a bag, but instead of a staff a pestle, and shouting and saying that he was a follower of Antisthenes and Crates and Diogenes, he said, "Do not lie, for you happen to be a disciple of Hypereides." When, however, he saw many of the athletes fighting unfairly, and contrary to the athletic law, biting instead of competing in the pancratium, he said, "Not without reason do the attendants call the athletes of today lions." That saying of his to the proconsul was also witty and sharp at the same time.
§50ἀστεῖον δὲ κἀκεῖνο αὐτοῦ καὶ δηκτικὸν ἅμα τὸ πρὸς τὸν ἀνθύπατον εἰρημένον· ἦν μὲν γὰρ τῶν πιττουμένων τὰ σκέλη καὶ τὸ σῶμα ὅλον· κυνικοῦ δέ τινος ἐπὶ λίθον ἀναβάντος καὶ αὐτὸ τοῦτο κατηγοροῦντος αὐτοῦ καὶ εἰς κιναιδίαν διαβάλλοντος, ἀγανακτήσας καὶ κατασπασθῆναι τὸν Κυνικὸν κελεύσας ἔμελλεν ἢ ξύλοις συντρίψειν ἢ καὶ φυγῇ ζημιώσειν·
For the proconsul was one of those who have their legs and whole body depilated with pitch; and when a certain Cynic climbed onto a stone and accused him of this very thing, slandering him for effeminacy, the proconsul was enraged and, ordering the Cynic to be dragged down, was about to beat him with clubs or even punish him with exile.
ἀλλʼ ὅ γε Δημῶναξ παρατυχὼν παρῃτεῖτο συγγνώμην ἔχειν αὐτῷ κατά τινα πάτριον τοῖς Κυνικοῖς παρρησίαν θρασυνομένῳ.
But Demonax, being present, begged him to forgive him, as he was acting insolently according to a certain ancestral freedom of speech customary among Cynics.
εἰπόντος δὲ τοῦ ἀνθυπάτου, Νῦν μέν σοι ἀφίημι αὐτόν, ἂν δὲ ὕστερον τοιοῦτόν τι τολμήσῃ, τί παθεῖν ἄξιός ἐστιν; καὶ ὁ Δημῶναξ, Δρωπακισθῆναι τότε αὐτὸν κέλευσον. §51ἄλλῳ δέ τινι στρατοπέδων ἅμα καὶ ἔθνους τοῦ μεγίστου τὴν ἀρχὴν ἐμπιστευθέντι ἐκ βασιλέως ἐρομένῳ, πῶς ἄριστα ἄρξει; ἀοργήτως, ἔφη, καὶ ὀλίγα μὲν λαλῶν, πολλὰ δὲ ἀκούων. §52ἐρομένῳ δέ τινι εἰ καὶ αὐτὸς πλακοῦντας ἐσθίοι, Οἴει οὖν, ἔφη, τοῖς μωροῖς τὰς μελίσσας τιθέναι τὰ κηρία;
When the proconsul said, "For now I let him go for your sake, but if he dares to do such a thing later, what is he worthy to suffer?" Demonax replied, "Order him to be depilated with pitch then." When another person, who was entrusted by the Emperor with the command of armies and at the same time of the greatest province, asked how he might rule best, he said, "Without anger, speaking little, and listening much." When someone asked if he also ate cakes, he said, "Do you think, then, that bees make honeycombs for fools?" Seeing near the Poikile a statue with its hand cut off, he said that the Athenians had honored Cynegirus with a bronze statue very late.
§53πρὸς δὲ τῇ Ποικίλῃ ἀνδριάντα ἰδὼν τὴν χεῖρα ἀποκεκομμένον, ὀψὲ ἔφη Ἀθηναίους εἰκόνι χαλκῇ τετιμηκέναι τὸν Κυνέγειρον. §54καὶ μὴν καὶ Ῥουφῖνον τὸν Κύπριον — λέγω δὴ τὸν χωλὸν τὸν ἐκ τοῦ περιπάτου — ἰδὼν ἐπὶ πολὺ τοῖς περιπάτοις ἐνδιατρίβοντα, Οὐδέν ἐστιν, ἔφη, ἀναισχυντότερον χωλοῦ Περιπατητικοῦ.
And indeed, seeing Rufinus the Cyprian—I mean the lame man from the Peripatetic school—spending a long time in the walking-colonnades, he said, "There is nothing more shameless than a lame Peripatetic."