§2.1ultra Sauromatas fugere hinc libet et glacialem §2.2Oceanum, quotiens aliquid de moribus audent §2.3qui Curios simulant et Bacchanalia vivunt, §2.4indocti primum, quamquam plena omnia gypso §2.5Chrysippi invenias; nam perfectissimus horum, §2.6si quis Aristotelen similem vel Pittacon emit §2.7et iubet archetypos pluteum servare Cleanthas.
I feel like fleeing from here beyond the Sauromatae and the icy Ocean, as often as those who imitate the Curii and live like Bacchanals dare to say anything about morals, unlearned first of all, although you may find everything full of plaster casts of Chrysippus; for the most perfect of these is he who buys a likeness of Aristotle or a Pittacus, and orders his bookcase to keep original Cleantheses.
§2.8frontis nulla fides; quis enim non vicus abundat
There is no trust in the face; for what street does not abound in gloomy debauchees?
Do you censure shameful things, when you are the most notorious ditch among Socratic pathics?
§2.11hispida membra quidem et durae per bracchia saetae §2.12promittunt atrocem animum, sed podice levi §2.13caeduntur tumidae medico ridente mariscae.
Rough limbs, indeed, and stiff bristles along the arms promise a fierce mind, but from a smooth anus the swollen hemorrhoids are cut away while the doctor laughs.
Rare is speech for them and great the desire for silence, and hair shorter than the eyebrow.
verius ergo §2.16et magis ingenue Peribomius; hunc ego fatis §2.17inputo, qui vultu morbum incessuque fatetur.
More truthfully, therefore, and more frankly behaves Peribomius; him I attribute to the fates, who confesses his disease by his face and gait.
The simplicity of these is pitiable; to them, madness itself grants pardon.
sed peiores, qui talia verbis §2.20Herculis invadunt et de virtute locuti §2.21clunem agitant,
ego te ceventem, Sexte, verebor?
But worse are those who attack such things with the words of Hercules, and having spoken of virtue, wag their hindquarters. Shall I revere you, Sextus, when you are swaying your hips?
§2.22infamis Varillus ait
quo deterior te?
Infamous Varillus says: 'How am I worse than you?
§2.23loripedem rectus derideat, Aethiopem albus;
Let the straight-backed man deride the club-footed, the white man the Ethiopian.
§2.24quis tulerit Gracchos de seditione querentes?
Who could bear the Gracchi complaining of sedition?
§2.25quis caelum terris non misceat et mare caelo, §2.26si fur displiceat Verri, homicida Miloni, §2.27Clodius accuset moechos, Catilina Cethegum, §2.28in tabulam Syllae si dicant discipuli tres?
Who would not mix heaven with earth and sea with heaven, if a thief should displease Verres, a murderer Milo, if Clodius should accuse adulterers, Catiline Cethegus, or if three disciples should speak against the proscription list of Sulla?
§2.29qualis erat nuper tragico pollutus adulter §2.30concubitu, qui tunc leges revocabat amaras §2.31omnibus atque ipsis Veneri Martique timendas, §2.32cum tot abortivis fecundam Iulia vulvam §2.33solveret et patruo similes effunderet offas.
Such was that adulterer lately defiled by a tragic union, who was then reviving bitter laws, to be feared by all and by Venus and Mars themselves, while Julia was releasing her fertile womb with so many abortives and pouring out lumps like her uncle.
§2.34nonne igitur iure ac merito vitia ultima fictos §2.35contemnunt Scauros et castigata remordent?
Is it not then with justice and merit that the ultimate vices despise the feigned Scauri and bite back when censured?
Laronia did not endure a certain grim-faced one of them, who was crying out so often: 'Where is the Julia law now?
Are you asleep?' and so, smiling: 'Happy times, which oppose you to morals!
habeat iam Roma pudorem, §2.40tertius e caelo cecidit Cato.
Let Rome now have shame, a third Cato has fallen from heaven.
sed tamen unde §2.41haec emis, hirsuto spirant opobalsama collo
But still, whence do you buy these perfumes that breathe from your hairy neck to you?
§2.42quae tibi? ne pudeat dominum monstrare tabernae,
Do not be ashamed to point out the master of the shop.
But if the laws and rights are to be agitated, the Scantinian law ought to be cited before all others.
§2.45et scrutare viros; faciunt nam plura, sed illos §2.46defendit numerus iunctaeque umbone phalanges,
Look back first and scrutinize the men; for they do more, but their number defends them, and their phalanxes joined shield-boss to shield-boss.
Great is the concord among the soft ones; there will not be any example so detestable in our sex.
Media does not lick Cluvia, nor Flora Catulla; Hispo submits to young men, and is pale from both diseases.
Do we plead cases, do we know civil laws, or do we shake your forums with any noise?
§2.53luctantur paucae, comedunt colyphia paucae: §2.54vos lanam trahitis calathisque peracta refertis §2.55vellera, vos tenui praegnantem stamine fusum §2.56Penelope melius, levius torquetis Arachne, §2.57horrida quale facit residens in codice paelex,
Few women wrestle, few eat athletic meat-loaves; but you card wool, and bring back the finished fleeces in baskets; you twist the spindle pregnant with fine thread better than Penelope, more lightly than Arachne, as does a horrible mistress sitting on her wooden block.
§2.58notum est cur solo tabulas inpleverit Hister §2.59liberto, dederit vivus cur multa puellae; §2.60dives erit magno quae dormit tertia lecto; §2.61tu nube atque tace: donant arcana cylindros.
It is well known why Hister filled his will with only a freedman, why in life he gave many gifts to his young bride; she will be rich who sleeps as a third in a large bed; you, marry and keep quiet: secrets give emerald cylinders.
§2.62de nobis post haec tristis sententia fertur?
After all this, is a harsh sentence passed against us?
§2.63dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas. ’ §2.64Fugerunt trepidi vera ac manifesta canentem §2.65Stoicidae; quid enim falsi Laronia? sed quid
Censorship pardons ravens, but harasses doves.' The Stoiclings fled trembling from her who sang true and manifest things; for what did Laronia say that was false?
But what will others not do, when you, Creticus, put on sheer garments, and while the people wonder, deliver a peroration against Proculas and Pollittas?
§2.68in Proculas et Pollittas? est moecha Fabulla, §2.69damnetur, si vis, etiam Carfinia: talem §2.70non sumet damnata togam.
Fabulla is an adulteress; let Carfinia also be condemned if you wish: yet even she, when condemned, will not put on such a toga.
‘sed Iulius ardet, §2.71aestuo. ’ nudus agas: minus est insania turpis,
'But July is burning, I am sweltering.' Plead naked: madness is less shameful.
§2.72en habitum quo te leges ac iura ferentem §2.73vulneribus crudis populus modo victor, et illud §2.74montanum positis audiret vulgus aratris.
Behold the garb in which the people lately victorious, with raw wounds, and that mountain crowd, having set down their plows, would hear you introducing laws and rights.
§2.75quid non proclames, in corpore iudicis ista
What would you not cry out, if you saw those things on the body of a judge?
§2.76si videas? quaero an deceant multicia testem,
I ask whether sheer garments became a witness.
Sharp, untamed, and master of liberty, Creticus, you are see-through.
dedit hanc contagio labem §2.79et dabit in plures, sicut grex totus in agris §2.80unius scabie cadit et porrigine porci §2.81uvaque conspecta livorem ducit ab uva.
Contagion gave this stain, and will give it to more, just as a whole herd in the fields falls by the scab and mange of a single pig, and a grape derives its bluish color from seeing another grape.
Someday you will dare something more foul than this garb; no one became extremely base all at once.