§8"Non mirum quod in curiam impetum fecisti: nihil tibi clausi est.
"No wonder you made an assault upon the senate house: nothing is closed to you.
Modo dic nobis, qualem deum istum fieri velis.
Only tell us, what kind of god you wish that fellow to become.
Ἐπικούρειος θεὸς non potest esse: οὔτε αὐτὸς πρᾶγμα ἔχει τι οὔτε ἄλλοις παρέχει;
An Epicurean god he cannot be: 'he neither has any business himself nor provides it to others.' A Stoic?
Stoicus? Quomodo potest 'rotundus' esse, ut ait Varro, 'sine capite, sine praeputio'? Est aliquid in illo Stoici dei, iam video: nec cor nec caput habet.
How can he be 'round,' as Varro says, 'without head, without foreskin'? There is something of the Stoic god in him, I see now: he has neither heart nor head.
Si mehercules a Saturno petisset hoc beneficium, cuius mensem toto anno celebravit, Saturnalicius princeps, non tulisset illud, nedum ab Iove, quem quantum quidem in illo fuit, damnavit incesti.
If, by Hercules, he had asked this favor of Saturn, whose month he celebrated all year round, a prince of the Saturnalia, he would not have obtained it, much less from Jupiter, whom, as far as was in his power, he condemned for incest.
Silanum enim generum suum occidit propterea quod sororem suam, festivissimam omnium puellarum, quam omnes Venerem vocarent, maluit Iunonem vocare.
For he killed Silanus, his son-in-law, for this reason, that he preferred to call his own sister—the most agreeable of all girls, whom everyone called Venus—by the name of Juno.
'Quare' inquit 'quaero enim, sororem suam?' Stulte, stude: Athenis dimidium licet, Alexandriae totum.
'Why,' he says, 'for I ask, his own sister?' Fool, study: at Athens half is allowed, at Alexandria the whole.
'Quia Romae' inquis 'mures molas lingunt.
'Because at Rome,' you say, 'mice lick the millstones.' Is this fellow to correct our crooked ways?
' Hic nobis curva corriget? quid in cubiculo suo faciat, nescit, et iam 'caeli scrutatur plagas'? Deus fieri vult: parum est quod templum in Britannia habet, quod hunc barbari colunt et ut deum orant μωροῦ εὐιλάτου τυχεῖν?" §9Tandem Iovi venit in mentem, privatis intra curiam morantibus senatoribus non licere sententiam dicere nec disputare.
He does not know what he does in his own chamber, and already 'he searches the regions of heaven'? He wants to become a god: is it not enough that he has a temple in Britain, that barbarians worship him and pray to him as a god 'to find the fool propitious'?" At length it occurred to Jupiter that while private persons remained within the senate house, it was not lawful for the senators to give their opinions or to debate.
"Ego"
inquit
"p. c. interrogare vobis permiseram, vos mera mapalia fecistis.
"I," he said, "conscript fathers, had permitted you to ask questions, but you have made it a mere brothel.
Volo ut servetis disciplinam curiae.
I wish you to preserve the discipline of the senate house.
Hic qualiscunque est, quid de nobis existimabit?"
Illo dimisso primus interrogatur sententiam Ianus pater.
This fellow, whoever he is, what will he think of us?" When he had been dismissed, Janus the father was first asked his opinion.
Is designatus erat in kal. Iulias postmeridianus consul, homo quantumvis vafer, qui semper videt ἅμα πρόσσω καὶ ὀπίσσω. Is multa diserte, quod in foro vivebat, dixit, quae notarius persequi non potuit, et ideo non refero, ne aliis verbis ponam, quae ab illo dicta sunt.
He had been designated consul for the afternoon of the Kalends of July, a man as crafty as you please, who always looks "forward and backward at the same time." He spoke many things eloquently, because he lived in the forum, which the notary could not follow, and therefore I do not relate them, lest I should put in other words what was spoken by him.
Multa dixit de magnitudine deorum: non debere hunc vulgo dari honorem.
He said much about the majesty of the gods: that this honor ought not to be given to the common crowd.
"Olim"
inquit
"magna res erat deum fieri: iam famam mimum fecistis.
"Once," he said, "it was a great thing to become a god; now you have made the honor a farce.
Itaque ne videar in personam, non in rem dicere sententiam, censeo ne quis post hunc diem deus fiat ex his, qui ἀρούρης καρπὸν ἔδουσιν, aut ex his, quos alit ζείδωρος ἄρουρα.
Therefore, lest I should seem to give my opinion against the person and not against the thing, I propose that after this day no one shall become a god from among those who eat the fruit of the earth, or from among those whom the fertile earth nourishes.
. Qui contra hoc senatus consultum deus factus, dictus pictusve erit, eum dedi Laruis et proximo munere inter novos auctoratos ferulis vapulare placet. "
Proximus interrogatur sententiam Diespiter Vicae Potae filius, et ipse designatus consul, nummulariolus: hoc quaestu se sustinebat, vendere civitatulas solebat.
Whosoever, contrary to this decree of the senate, shall be made, called, or painted a god, I propose that he be given over to the Larvae, and at the next public games be flogged with rods among the new gladiators." Next, Diespiter, the son of Vica Pota, was asked his opinion, himself also a consul-designate, a petty money-changer; by this trade he maintained himself, and was accustomed to sell small citizenships.
Ad hunc belle accessit Hercules et auriculam illi tetigit.
To him Hercules approached pleasantly and touched his ear.
Censet itaque in haec verba:
"Cum divus Claudius et divum Augustum sanguine contingat nec minus divam Augustam aviam suam, quam ipse deam esse iussit, longeque omnes mortales sapientia antecellat, sitque e re publica esse aliquem qui cum Romulo possit 'ferventia rapa vorare,' censeo uti divus Claudius ex hac die deus sit, ita uti ante eum qui optimo iure factus sit, eamque rem ad metamorphosis Ovidi adiciendam. "
Variae erant sententiae, et vide batur Claudius sententiam vincere.
He therefore votes in these words: "Since the divine Claudius is related by blood to the divine Augustus, and no less to his grandmother, the divine Augusta, whom he himself ordered to be a goddess, and far surpasses all mortals in wisdom, and since it is for the public good that there should be someone who can 'devour boiling turnips' with Romulus, I propose that from this day the divine Claudius be a god, in the same manner as anyone before him who was made so with the best right, and that this event be added to the Metamorphoses of Ovid." Opinions were divided, and it seemed that Claudius was winning the day.
Hercules enim, qui videret ferrum suum in igne esse, modo huc modo illuc cursabat et aiebat:
"Noli mihi invidere, mea res agitur; deinde tu si quid volueris, in vicem faciam; manus manum lavat. "
For Hercules, seeing that his iron was in the fire, kept running now here, now there, and saying: "Do not grudge me, it is my own interest that is at stake; then, if you should want anything, I will do it in turn; one hand washes the other."