§5Quae in terris postea sint acta, supervacuum est referre.
What was done afterwards on earth, it is superfluous to relate.
Scitis enim optime, nec periculum est ne excidant memoriae quae gaudium publicum impresserit: nemo felicitatis suae obliviscitur.
For you know it very well, and there is no danger lest what the public joy has impressed should escape your memory; no one forgets his own happiness.
In caelo quae acta sint, audite: fides penes auctorem erit.
Hear what was done in heaven; the credibility will rest with the author.
Nuntiatur Iovi venisse quendam bonae staturae, bene canum; nescio quid ilium minari, assidue enim caput movere; pedem dextrum trahere.
It was announced to Jupiter that someone had arrived of good stature, quite gray-haired; that he was threatening I know not what, for he was constantly shaking his head; and that he dragged his right foot.
Quaesisse se, cuius nationis esset: respondisse nescio quid perturbato sono et voce confusa; non intellegere se linguam eius, nec Graecum esse nec Romanum nec ullius gentis notae.
That they had asked of what nation he was, and he had replied I know not what with a disturbed sound and confused voice; that they did not understand his language, and that he was neither Greek nor Roman nor of any known nation.
Tum Iuppiter Herculem, qui totum orbem terrarum pererraverat et nosse videbatur omnes nationes, iubet ire et explorare, quorum hominum esset.
Then Jupiter orders Hercules, who had wandered through the whole world and seemed to know all nations, to go and find out of what sort of men he was.
Tum Hercules primo aspectu sane perturbatus est, ut qui etiam non omnia monstra timuerit.
Then Hercules at first sight was indeed disturbed, as one who, even so, had not feared all monsters.
Ut vidit novi generis faciem, insolitum incessum, vocem nullius terrestris animalis sed qualis esse marinis beluis solet, raucam et implicatam, putavit sibi tertium decimum laborem venisse.
When he saw a face of a new kind, an unusual gait, and a voice of no terrestrial animal but such as is usual for sea monsters, hoarse and entangled, he thought that a thirteenth labor had come upon him.
Diligentius intuenti visus est quasi homo.
To him looking more carefully, he seemed like a sort of man.
Accessit itaque et quod facillimum fuit Graeculo, ait:
"
τίς πόθεν εἶς ἀνδρῶν, πόθι τοι πόλις ἠδὲ τοκῆες;
Therefore he approached, and as was easiest for a Greekling, he said: "Who and whence of men art thou?
"
Claudius gaudet esse illic philologos homines, sperat futurum aliquem historiis suis locum.
Where are thy city and parents?" Claudius rejoices that there are literary men there, and hopes there will be some place for his histories.
Itaque et ipse Homerico versu Caesarem se esse significant ait:
"
Ἰλιόθεν με φέρων ἄνεμος Κικόνεσσι πέλασσεν. "
Erat autem sequens versus verior, aeque Homericus:
"
ἔνθα δʼ ἐγὼ πόλιν ἔπραθον, ὤλεσα δʼ αὐτούς. "
Et imposuerat Herculi minime vafro, §6nisi fuisset illic Febris, quae fano suo relicto sola cum illo venerat: ceteros omnes deos Romae reliquerat.
And so, he himself also using a Homeric verse to indicate that he was Caesar, says: "A wind bearing me from Ilium brought me near to the Cicones." But the following verse was truer, and equally Homeric: "There I destroyed the city, and ruined the people." And he would have imposed upon Hercules, who was not at all crafty, if Fever had not been there, who, leaving her temple, had come with him alone: she had left all the other gods at Rome.
"Iste"
inquit
"mera mendacia narrat.
"This man," she said, "tells pure lies.
Ego tibi dico, quae cum illo tot annis vixi: Luguduni natus est, Marci municipem vides.
I tell you, I who lived with him for so many years: he was born at Lugudunum, you see a fellow citizen of Marcus.
Quod tibi narro, ad sextum decimum lapidem natus est a Vienna, Gallus germanus.
What I tell you is, he was born at the sixteenth milestone from Vienna, a genuine Gaul.
Itaque quod Gallum facere oportebat, Romam cepit.
And so, as a Gaul was bound to do, he took Rome.
Hunc ego tibi recipio Luguduni natum, ubi Licinus multis annis regnavit.
I guarantee to you that this man was born at Lugudunum, where Licinus reigned for many years.
Tu autem, qui plura loca calcasti quam ullus mulio perpetuarius, Lugudunenses scire debes, et multa milia inter Xanthum et Rhodanum interesse. "
Excandescit hoc loco Claudius et quanto potest murmure irascitur.
You, moreover, who have trodden more places than any regular muleteer, ought to know the people of Lugudunum, and that many thousands of miles lie between the Xanthus and the Rhone." At this point Claudius boiled over and became angry with as much of a murmur as he could manage.
Quid diceret, nemo intellegebat, ille autem Febrim duci iubebat, illo gestu solutae manus et ad hoc unum satis firmae, quo decollare homines solebat, iusserat illi collum praecidi.
What he was saying, no one understood; but he kept ordering Fever to be led away, and with that gesture of his floppy hand, yet firm enough for this one thing alone with which he used to decollate men, he had ordered her neck to be cut off.
Putares omnes illius esse libertos: adeo illum nemo curabat.
You would have thought they were all his freedmen, so completely did no one care about him.
tum Hercules
"audi me"
inquit
"tu desine fatuari.
Then Hercules said, "Listen to me, stop playing the fool.
Venisti huc, ubi mures ferrum rodunt.
You have come to a place where mice gnaw iron.
Citiusmihi verum, ne tibi alogias excutiam. "
Et quo terribilior esset, tragicus fit et ait:
"
exprome propere, sede qua genitus cluas,
hoc ne peremptus stipite ad terram accidas; haec clava reges saepe mactavit feros.
Tell me the truth quickly, lest I knock your nonsense out of you." And that he might be more terrible, he becomes tragic and says: "Disclose quickly from what seat you are said to be born, lest, destroyed by this staff, you fall to the earth; this club has often slaughtered fierce kings.
Quid nunc profatu vocis incerto sonas?
Quae patria, quae gens mobile eduxit caput?
Edissere.
Why now do you make a sound with uncertain utterance of voice? What country, what nation brought up your unstable head? Declare it.
Equidem regna tergemini petens
longinqua regis, unde ab Hesperio mari
Inachiam ad urbem nobile advexi pecus,
vidi duobus imminens fluviis iugum,
quod Phoebus ortu semper obverso videt,
ubi Rhodanus ingens amne praerapido fluit,
Ararque dubitans, quo suos cursus agat,
tacitus quietis adluit ripas vadis.
Indeed, seeking the far kingdoms of the triple-bodied king, whence from the Hesperian sea I drove the noble herd to the Inachian city, I saw a hill overhanging two rivers, which Phoebus always beholds with face turned toward its rising, where the vast Rhone flows with very rapid stream, and the Arar, doubting which way to direct its course, silently washes the banks with its quiet shallows.
Estne illa tellus spiritus altrix tui?"
"
Haec satis animose et fortiter, nihilo minus mentis suae non est et timet μωροῦ πληγήν.
Is that the land that nourished your breath?" These things he said with enough spirit and strength, nevertheless he was not in his right mind and feared the blow of a fool.
Claudius ut vidit virum valentem, oblitus nugarum intellexit neminem Romae sibi parem fuisse, illic non habere se idem gratiae: gallum in suo sterquilino plurimum posse.
Claudius, when he saw a strong man, forgetting his trifles, understood that while no one in Rome had been his equal, there he did not have the same favor: that a cock is most powerful on his own dunghill.
Itaque quantum intellegi potuit, haec visus est dicere:
"Ego te, fortissime deorum Hercule, speravi mihi adfuturum apud alios, et si qui a me notorem petisset, te fui nominaturus, qui me optime nosti.
Therefore, as far as could be understood, he seemed to say this: "I hoped, Hercules, most brave of the gods, that you would stand by me before the others, and if anyone had asked me for a guarantor, I was going to name you, who know me best.
Nam si memoria repetis, ego eram qui tibi ante templum tuum ius dicebam totis diebus mense Iulio et Augusto.
For if you recall to memory, I was the one who used to administer justice for you before your temple all day long in the months of July and August.
Tu scis, quantum illic miseriarum tulerim, cum causidicos audirem diem et noctem, in quos si incidisses, valde fortis licet tibi videaris, maluisses cloacas Augeae purgare: multo plus ego stercoris exhausi.
You know how much misery I endured there, when I listened to advocates day and night, whom if you had encountered, although you seem to yourself very strong, you would have preferred to clean the stables of Augeas; I drained off much more filth.
Sed quoniam volo"
But since I wish..."