§6.3.91est et illa ex ironia fictio, qua usus est C. Caesar.
There is also that fiction from irony, which Gaius Caesar used.
nam cum testis diceret a reo femina sua ferro petita, et esset facilis reprehensio, cur illam potissimum partem corporis vulnerare voluisset: quid enim faceret, inquit, §6.3.92cum tu galeam et loricam haberes? vel optima est simulatio contra simulantem, qualis illa Domitii Afri fuit: vetus habebat testamentum, et unus ex amicis recentioribus, sperans aliquid ex mutatione tabularum, falsam fabulam intulerat, consulens eum, an primipilari seni iam testato rursus suaderet ordinare suprema iudicia.
For when a witness said that his thighs had been attacked with iron by the defendant, and the objection was easy, why he had wished to wound that part of the body in preference to any other: "What indeed should he have done," he said, "when you were wearing a helmet and a breastplate?" Or, the best is pretense against one who pretends, such as that of Domitius Afer: [a certain primipilaris] had an old will, and one of his newer friends, hoping for something from a change of the tablets, had brought a false story, consulting Afer whether he should advise the old primipilaris, who had already made his will, to arrange his last decisions again.
noli, inquit, facere; offendis illum. §6.3.93iucundissima sunt autem ex his omnibus lenia et, ut sic dixerim, boni stomachi: ut Afer idem ingrato litigatori conspectum eius in foro vitanti per nomenclatorem missum ad eum, amas me, inquit, quod te non vidi? et dispensatori, qui, cum reliqua non responderent, dicebat subinde,
"non comedi; pane et aqua vivo,"
"passer, redde quod debes. "
quae ὑπὸ τὸ ἦθος vocant.
"Do not do it," he said, "you will offend him." But the most pleasant of all these are the gentle and, so to speak, good-tempered ones: as the same Afer, to an ungrateful litigant who avoided his sight in the forum, said through a nomenclator sent to him, "Do you love me because I have not seen you?" And to a steward who, when the accounts did not balance, repeatedly said, "I did not consume it; I live on bread and water," "Sparrow, pay what you owe." These they call 'under character'.
§6.3.94est gratus iocus, qui minus exprobrat quam potest, ut idem dicenti candidate, semper domum tuam colui, cum posset palam negare, credo, inquit, et verum est. interim de se dicere ridiculum et quod in alium si absentem diceretur urbanum non erat, quoniam ipsi palam exprobratur, §6.3.95movet risum: quale Augusti est, cum ab eo miles nescio quid improbe peteret et veniret contra Marcianus, quem suspicabatur et ipsum aliquid iniuste rogaturum: non magis, inquit, faciam, commilito, quod petis, quam quod Marcianus a me petiturus est. §6.3.96adiuvant urbanitatem et versus commode positi, seu toti ut sunt (quod adeo facile est, ut Ovidius ex tetrastichon Macri carmine librum in malos poetas composuerit), quod fit gratius, si qua etiam ambiguitate conditur: ut Cicero in Lartium, hominem callidum et versutum, cum is in quadam causa suspectus esset, §6.3.97nisi si qua Ulixes intervasit Lartius; seu verbis ex parte mutatis, ut in eum qui, cum antea stultissimus esset habitus, post acceptam hereditatem primus sententiam rogabatur, hereditas est, queam vocant sapientiam, pro illo, felicitas est; seu ficti notis versibus similes, quae παρῳδία dicitur.
That jest is pleasing which reproaches less than it might, as the same Afer, to a candidate who said, "I have always respected your house," when he might openly deny it, said, "I believe it, and it is true." Sometimes to speak of oneself a ridiculous thing, which would not be elegant if said against another in his absence, since it is openly reproached to the person himself, moves laughter: such as that of Augustus, when a soldier was demanding something of him improperly, and Marcianus, whom he suspected was also going to ask for something unjust, came in sight: "I will no more do what you ask, comrade, than what Marcianus is about to ask of me." Appropriately placed verses also assist wit, whether as they are in their entirety (which is so easy that Ovid composed a book against bad poets out of Macer's tetrastichs), which becomes more pleasing if it is also seasoned with some ambiguity: as Cicero against Lartius, a cunning and shrewd man, when he was suspected in a certain case, "unless some Ulysses Lartius has stolen it"; or with the words partly changed, as to one who, having previously been considered most foolish, was asked his opinion first after receiving an inheritance: "It is inheritance which they call wisdom," instead of "It is good fortune"; or similar to well-known verses, which is called parody.
§6.3.98et proverbia opportune aptata: ut homini nequam lapso et, ut allevaretur, roganti, tollat te qui non novit. ex historia etiam ducere urbanitatem eruditum est: ut Cicero fecit, cum ei testem in iudicio Verris roganti dixisset Hortensius,
"non intelligo haec aenigmata. "
"atqui debes, inquit, cum Sphingem domi habeas; "
acceperat autem ille a Verre Sphingem aeneam magnae pecuniae.
And proverbs opportunely applied: as to a worthless man who fell and, that he might be lifted up, asked: "Let him lift you up who does not know you." It is also erudite to derive wit from history: as Cicero did, when to him questioning a witness in the trial of Verres, Hortensius said, "I do not understand these riddles." "But you ought to," Cicero said, "since you have a Sphinx at home." For Hortensius had received from Verres a bronze Sphinx of great price.
§6.3.99subabsurda illa constant stulti simulatione; quae, nisi fingantur, stulta sunt: ut, qui mirantibus, quod humile candelabrum emisset, pransorium erit, inquit. sed illa similia absurdis sunt acria, quae tanquam sine ratione dicta feruntur: ut servus Dolabellae, cum interrogaretur an dominus eius auctionem proposuisset, domum, inquit, vendidit. Deprehensi interim pudorem suum ridiculo aliquo explicant: §6.3.100ut, qui testem dicentem se a reo vulneratum interrogaverat an cicatricem haberet, cum ille ingentem in femine ostendisset, latus, inquit, oportuit. contumeliis quoque uti belle datur: ut Hispo obiicienti atrociora crimina accusatori, me ex te metiris, inquit.
Those slightly absurd jests consist of the simulation of a fool; which, unless they are feigned, are foolish: as he who, to those wondering why he had bought a low candelabrum, said, "It will do for lunch." But those sharp things similar to the absurd are those which are reported as if said without reason: as the slave of Dolabella, when asked if his master had advertised an auction, said, "He has sold his house." Sometimes those who are caught extricate themselves from their shame by some jest: as he who, having questioned a witness saying he was wounded by the defendant whether he had a scar, when the witness showed a huge one on his thigh, said, "It ought to have been in the side." It is also given to use insults beautifully: as Hispo to an accuser bringing heavier charges against him, "You measure me by yourself," he said.
et Fulvius Propinquus legato interroganti an in tabulis, quas proferebat, chirographus esset, et verus, inquit, domine. §6.3.101has aut accepi species aut inveni frequentissimas, ex quibus ridicula ducerentur; sed repetam necesse est, infinitas esse tam salse dicendi quam severe, quas praestat persona, locus, tempus, casus denique, qui est maxime varius.
And Fulvius Propinquus, to a legate asking whether there was a signature on the documents he brought forward, said, "And a genuine one, sir." These are the forms I have either received or found to be the most frequent from which ridiculous things are derived; but it is necessary to repeat that there are infinite ways of speaking both wittily and seriously, which are supplied by character, place, time, and finally by fortune, which is most varied.