§6.3.68quid ironia? nonne etiam quae severissime fit, ioci prope genus est? qua urbane usus est Afer, cum Didio Gallo, qui provinciam ambitiosissime petierat, deinde, impetrata ea, tanquam coactus querebatur, age, inquit, aliquid et rei publicae causa. metaphora quoque Cicero lusit, cum, Vatinii morte nuntiata, cuius parum certus dicebatur auctor, interim, inquit, usura fruar. §6.3.69idem per allegorian M. Caelium, melius obiicientem crimina quam defendentem, bonam dextram, malam sinistram habere dicebat. emphasi A. Villius dixit, ferrum in Tuccium incidisse.
What of irony? Is not even that which is done in the most severe manner almost a kind of joke? Which Domitius Afer used in a refined way when he said to Didius Gallus, who had sought a province with the greatest ambition and then, having obtained it, was complaining as if he were forced: "Come, do something also for the sake of the state." Cicero also joked with a metaphor when, upon the announcement of Vatinius's death, of which the authority was said to be insufficiently certain, he said: "In the meantime, I shall enjoy the interest." Likewise, using allegory, he used to say of Marcus Caelius, who was better at bringing accusations than at defending, that he had "a good right hand, but a bad left hand." Aulus Villius said with emphasis that the sword had "fallen" upon Tuccius.
§6.3.70figuras quoque mentis, quae σχήματα διανοίας dicuntur, res eadem recipit omnes, in quas nonnulli diviserunt species dictorum.
The same material also admits all figures of thought, which are called schemata dianoeas, into which some have divided the species of sayings.
nam et interrogamus et dubitamus et adfirmamus et minamur et optamus, quaedam ut miserantes, quaedam ut irascentes dicimus.
For we both ask and doubt and affirm and threaten and wish; we say some things as if pitying, and some things as if angry.
ridiculum est autem omne, quod aperte fingitur.
But everything that is openly fabricated is ridiculous.
§6.3.71stulta reprehendere facillimum est, nam per se sunt ridicula; sed rem urbanam facit aliqua ex nobis adiectio.
It is very easy to censure foolish statements, for they are ridiculous in themselves; but some addition from our side makes the matter witty.
stulte interrogaverat exeuntem de theatro Campatium Titius Maximus, an spectasset? fecit Campatius dubitationem eius stultiorem dicendo, non, sed in orchestra pila lusi. §6.3.72refutatio cum sit in negando, redarguendo, defendendo, elevando, ridicule negavit Manius Curius; nam, cum eius accusator in sipario omnibus locis aut nudum eum in nervo aut ab amicis redemptum ex alea pinxisset: §6.3.73ergo ego, inquit, nunquam vici? Redarguimus interim aperte, ut Cicero Vibium Curium multum de annis aetatis suae mentientem, tum ergo, cum una declamabamus, non eras natus; interim et simulata assensione, ut idem Fabia Dolabellae dicente triginta se annos habere, verum est, inquit; nam hoc illam iam viginti annis audio. §6.3.74belle interim subiicitur pro eo, quod neges, aliud mordacius: ut Iunius Bassus, querente Domitia Passieni, quod incusans eius sordes calceos eam veteres diceret vendere solere, non mehercules, inquit, hoc unquam dixi; sed dixi emere te solere. defensionem imitatus est eques Romanus, qui obiicienti Augusto, quod patrimonium comedisset, meum, inquit, putavi. §6.3.75elevandi ratio est duplex, ut aut nimiam quis iactantiam minuat: quemadmodum C. Caesar Pomponio ostendenti vulnus ore exceptum in seditione Sulpiciana, quod is se passum pro Caesare pugnantem gloriabatur, nunquam fugiens respexeris, inquit; aut crimen obiectum, ut Cicero obiurgantibus, quod sexagenarius Publiliam virginem duxisset, cras mulier erit, inquit. §6.3.76hoc genus dicti consequens vocant quidam, atque illi simile, quod Cicero Curionem, semper ab excusatione aetatis incipientem, facilius cotidie prooemium habere dixit, quia ista natura sequi et cohaerere videantur.
Titius Maximus had foolishly asked Campatius, as he was leaving the theater, whether he had watched the show. Campatius made his doubt still more foolish by saying: "No, but I played ball in the orchestra." Since refutation consists in denying, redarguing, defending, and disparaging, Manius Curius denied in a ridiculous manner; for when his accuser had painted him in various places on a stage-curtain either naked in prison or redeemed from gambling by his friends: "Therefore," he said, "did I never win?" Sometimes we redargue openly, as Cicero said to Vibius Curius, who was lying much about the years of his age: "Then indeed, when we were declaiming together, you were not yet born"; sometimes also with simulated assent, as when the same Cicero, upon Fabia, the wife of Dolabella, saying that she was thirty years old, replied: "It is true; for I have been hearing her say this now for twenty years." Sometimes there is beautifully substituted for what you would deny another more biting statement: as when Domitia, the wife of Passienus, was complaining that Junius Bassus, censuring her meanness, said she was accustomed to sell old shoes, he replied: "By Hercules, I never said this; but I said you were accustomed to buy them." A Roman knight imitated defense when, to Augustus accusing him of having devoured his patrimony, he said: "I thought it was mine." The method of disparagement is twofold: either one lessens excessive boasting, just as Gaius Caesar said to Pomponius, who was showing a wound received in the face during the Sulpician sedition and boasting that he had suffered it while fighting for Caesar: "Never look back when you are fleeing"; or one disparages a charge brought, as Cicero said to those rebuking him because he, a sexagenarian, had married the virgin Publilia: "Tomorrow she will be a woman." Some call this kind of saying a consequence, and it is similar to that which Cicero said of Curio, who always began with an excuse for his age, that he had a daily easier introduction, because those things seemed by nature to follow and cohere.
§6.3.77sed elevandi genus est etiam causarum relatio, qua Cicero est usus in Vatinium.
But a kind of disparagement is also the reference of causes, which Cicero used against Vatinius.
qui pedibus aeger, cum vellet videri commodioris valetudinis factus et diceret, se iam bina milia passuum ambulare, dies enim, inquit, longiores sunt. et Augustus nuntiantibus Tarraconensibus palmam in ara eius enatam, apparet, inquit, quam saepe accendatis. §6.3.78transtulit crimen Cassius Severus.
When the latter, being lame in his feet, wished to seem to have become of better health and said that he now walked two miles, Cicero replied: "Yes, for the days are longer." And Augustus, when the people of Tarraco announced that a palm tree had grown on his altar, said: "It is clear how often you kindle it." Cassius Severus transferred the charge.
nam cum obiurgaretur a praetore, quod advocati eius L. Varo Epicureo, Caesaris amico, convicium fecissent, nescio, inquit. qui conviciati sint, et puto Stoicos fuisse. repercutiendi multa sunt genera, venustissimum, quod etiam similitudine aliqua verbi adiuvatur: ut Trachalus dicenti Suelio,
"si hoc ita est, is in exilium,"
"sic non est ita, redis,"
inquit. §6.3.79elusit Cassius Severus obiiciente quodam, quod ei domo sua Proculeius interdixisset, respondendo, numquid ergo illuc accedo? sic eluditur et ridiculum ridiculo: ut divus Augustus, cum ei Galli torquem aureum centum pondo dedissent, et Dolabella per iocum, temptans tamen ioci sui eventum, dixisset,
"imperator, torque me dona,"
"malo, inquit, te civica donare:"
For when he was rebuked by the praetor because his advocates had insulted Lucius Varus, an Epicurean and a friend of Caesar, he replied: "I do not know who insulted him, and I think they were Stoics." There are many kinds of retorting, the most elegant of which is aided by some similarity of word: as Trachalus, when Suelius said to him, "If this is so, you go into exile," replied, "If indeed it is not so, you return." Cassius Severus parried when someone charged that Proculeius had forbidden him his house, by replying: "Do I then ever go there?" Thus a ridiculous saying is also parried by another ridiculous saying: as the deified Augustus, when the Gauls had given him a golden collar of a hundred pounds in weight, and Dolabella jokingly, yet trying the outcome of his joke, had said, "General, gift me with the collar," replied, "I would prefer to gift you with the civic crown."