§3.15.1accepi Idibus Sextilibus quattuor epistulas a te missas, unam qua me obiurgas et rogas ut sim firmior, alteram qua Crassi libertum ais tibi de mea sollicitudine macieque narrasse, tertiam qua demonstras acta in senatu, quartam de eo quod a Varrone scribis tibi esse confirmatum de voluntate Pompei.
On the Ides of August I received four letters sent by you: one in which you chide me and ask me to be stronger; a second in which you say that a freedman of Crassus told you about my anxiety and gauntness; a third in which you show the proceedings in the Senate; a fourth concerning what you write was confirmed to you by Varro regarding the goodwill of Pompey.
§3.15.2ad primam tibi hoc scribo, me ita dolere ut non modo a mente non deserar sed id ipsum doleam, me tam firma mente ubi utar et quibuscum non habere.
To the first, I write this to you: that I grieve in such a way that not only am I not deserted by my mind, but I grieve for this very thing, that I do not have a place where or people with whom to use such a firm mind.
nam si tu me uno non sine maerore cares, quid me censes qui et te et omnibus? et si tu incolumis me requiris, quo modo a me ipsam incolumitatem desiderari putas? nolo commemorare quibus rebus sim spoliatus, non solum quia non ignoras sed etiam ne rescindam ipse dolorem meum; hoc confirmo neque tantis bonis esse privatum quemquam neque in tantas miserias incidisse.
For if you are without me alone not without sorrow, what do you think of me who am without both you and everyone? And if you, being unharmed, miss me, in what way do you think that unharmed state itself is desired by me? I do not wish to recount the things of which I have been despoiled, not only because you are not ignorant of them, but also lest I myself reopen my own grief; this I confirm, that no one was ever deprived of such great blessings, nor fell into such great miseries.
dies autem non modo non levat luctum hunc sed etiam auget.
Moreover, time not only does not lighten this grief but even increases it.
nam ceteri dolores mitigantur vetustate, hic non potest non et sensu praesentis miseriae et recordatione praeteritae vitae cotidie augeri.
For other pains are mitigated by age, but this one cannot but be increased daily both by the sense of present misery and by the remembrance of past life.
desidero enim non mea solum neque meos sed me ipsum.
For I long not only for my things nor for my people, but for myself.
quid enim sum? sed non faciam ut aut tuum animum angam querelis aut meis vulneribus saepius manus adferam.
For what am I? But I shall not act so as to either vex your mind with complaints or too often lay hands on my wounds.
nam quod purgas eos quos ego mihi scripsi invidisse et in eis Catonem, ego vero tantum illum puto ab isto scelere afuisse ut maxime doleam plus apud me simulationem aliorum quam istius fidem valuisse.
For as to your clearing of those who, as I wrote, envied me, and among them Cato, I indeed think that he was so far removed from that wickedness that I grieve exceedingly that the hypocrisy of others had more power with me than his good faith.
ceteros quod purgas, debent mihi probati esse, tibi si sunt.
As for your clearing the others, they ought to be approved by me, if they are so by you.
sed haec sero agimus.
But we deal with these things too late.
§3.15.3Crassi libertum nihil puto sincere locutum.
I think the freedman of Crassus spoke nothing sincerely.
in senatu rem probe scribis actam.
You write that the business in the Senate was conducted properly.
sed quid Curio? an illam orationem non legit? quae unde sit prolata nescio.
But what of Curio? Did he not read that speech? Where that was brought out from, I do not know.
sed Axius eiusdem diei scribens ad me acta non ita laudat Curionem.
But Axius, writing to me of the proceedings of the same day, does not so praise Curio.
at potest ille aliquid praetermittere, tu, nisi quod erat, profecto non scripsisti.
Yet he might pass over something, whereas you surely have not written anything except what was the case.
Varronis sermo facit exspectationem Caesaris.
Varro's talk creates an expectation of Caesar.
atque utinam ipse Varro incumbat in causam! quod profecto cum sua sponte tum te instante faciet.
And would that Varro himself might bend himself to the cause! This he will surely do, both of his own accord and with you urging him.
§3.15.4ego si me aliquando vestri et patriae compotem fortuna fecerit, certe efficiam ut maxime laetere unus ex omnibus amicis meaque officia et studia quae parum antea luxerunt (fatendum est enim) sic exsequar ut me aeque tibi ac fratri et liberis nostris restitutum putes.
If fortune should some day make me master of you all and of my country, I shall surely bring it about that you especially, of all my friends, will rejoice, and I shall so perform my duties and efforts, which previously shone too little (for it must be confessed), that you will think me restored to you equally as to my brother and our children.
si quid in te peccavi ac potius quoniam peccavi ignosce; in me enim ipsum peccavi vehementius.
If I have sinned against you in anything, or rather since I have sinned, forgive me; for I have sinned much more violently against myself.
neque haec eo scribo quo te non meo casu maximo dolore esse adfectum sciam, sed profecto, si quantum me amas et amasti tantum amare deberes ac debuisses, numquam esses passus me quo tu abundabas egere consilio nec esses passus mihi persuaderi utile nobis esse legem de collegiis perferri.
Nor do I write these things for this reason, as if I did not know that you were affected by the greatest grief at my misfortune, but surely, if you ought to and should have loved me as much as you love and have loved me, you would never have allowed me to lack the counsel in which you abounded, nor would you have allowed me to be persuaded that it was useful for us that the law concerning associations should be passed.
sed tu tantum lacrimas praebuisti dolori meo, quod erat amoris, tam quam ipse ego; quod meritis meis perfectum potuit, ut dies et noctes quid mihi faciendum esset cogitares, id abs te meo non tuo scelere praetermissum est.
But you only offered tears to my grief, which was a mark of love, just as I did myself; that which could have been accomplished by my merits, namely, that you should think day and night of what I ought to do, was passed over by you through my own crime, not yours.
quod si non modo tu sed quisquam fuisset qui me Pompei minus liberali responso perterritum a turpissimo consilio revocaret, quod unus tu facere maxime potuisti, aut occubuissem honeste aut victores hodie viveremus.
But if there had been, not only you, but anyone who would recall me, terrified by Pompey's less than generous reply, from that most shameful plan—which you alone could have done best—I would either have fallen honorably or we would be living today as victors.
hic mihi ignosces; me enim ipsum multo magis accuso, deinde te quasi me alterum et simul meae culpae socium quaero.
At this you will forgive me; for I accuse myself much more, then I seek you as a second self and at the same time a partner in my fault.
ac si restituor, etiam minus videbimur deliquisse abs teque certe quoniam nullo nostro tuo ipsius beneficio diligemur.
And if I am restored, we shall seem to have erred even less, and we shall certainly be loved by you because of your own kindness, since there is no merit of ours.