§50Σίμων
εἰ δὲ δὴ καὶ πέσοι παράσιτος ἐν πολέμῳ, οὐκ ἂν ἐπʼ αὐτῷ δήπου οὔτε λοχαγὸς οὔτε στρατιώτης αἰσχυνθείη μεγάλῳ τε ὄντι νεκρῷ καὶ ὥσπερ ἐν συμποσίῳ καλῷ καλῶς κατακειμένῳ.
Simon: And indeed, if a parasite should fall in war, neither a captain nor a soldier would surely be ashamed of him, who is a large corpse and is beautifully laid out as if in a fine banquet.
ὡς ἄξιόν γε φιλοσόφου νεκρὸν ἰδεῖν τούτῳ παρακείμενον, ξηρόν, ῥυπῶντα, μακρὸν πωγώνιον ἔχοντα, προτεθνηκότα τῆς μάχης, ἀσθενῆ ἄνθρωπον.
How well worth seeing, by contrast, is the corpse of a philosopher lying beside him—withered, dirty, with a long beard, having died before the battle, a weak creature!
τίς οὐκ ἂν καταφρονήσειε ταύτης τῆς πόλεως τοὺς ὑπασπιστὰς αὐτῆς οὕτως κακοδαίμονας ὁρῶν;
Who would not despise this city, seeing its defenders so miserable?
τίς δὲ οὐκ ἂν εἰκάσαι, χλωροὺς καὶ κομήτας ὁρῶν ἀνθρωπίσκους κειμένους, τὴν πόλιν ἀποροῦσαν συμμάχων τοὺς ἐν τῇ εἱρκτῇ κακούργους ἐπιλῦσαι τῷ πολέμῳ;
And who would not surmise, seeing pale and long-haired little men lying dead, that the city, lacking allies, had released the criminals from the prison for the war?
τοιοῦτοι μὲν ἐν πολέμῳ πρὸς ῥήτορας καὶ φιλοσόφους εἰσὶν οἱ παράσιτοι.
Such, then, are parasites in war compared with rhetoricians and philosophers.
§51Σίμων
ἐν εἰρήνῃ δὲ τοσούτῳ μοι δοκεῖ διαφέρειν παρασιτικὴ φιλοσοφίας ὅσον αὐτὴ ἡ εἰρήνη πολέμου.
Simon: In peace, the art of the parasite seems to me to excel philosophy as much as peace itself excels war.
καὶ πρῶτον, εἰ δοκεῖ, σκοπῶμεν τὰ τῆς εἰρήνης χωρία.
And first, if it seems good, let us look at the places of peace.
Τυχιάδης
οὔπω συνίημι ὅ τι τοῦτό πως βούλεται, σκοπῶμεν δὲ ὅμως.
Tychiades: I do not yet understand what this means, but let us look at them nevertheless.
Σίμων
οὐκοῦν ἀγορὰν καὶ δικαστήρια καὶ παλαίστρας καὶ γυμνάσια καὶ κυνηγέσια καὶ συμπόσια ἔγωγε φαίην ἂν πόλεως χωρία.
Simon: Well, I for my part would say that the agora, lawcourts, wrestling schools, gymnasia, hunts, and banquets are the places of a city.
Τυχιάδης
πάνυ μὲν οὖν.
Tychiades: Quite so.
Σίμων
ὁ τοίνυν παράσιτος εἰς ἀγορὰν μὲν καὶ δικαστήρια οὐ πάρεισιν, ὅτι, οἶμαι, τοῖς συκοφάνταις πάντα τὰ χωρία ταῦτα μᾶλλον προσήκει καὶ ὅτι οὐδὲν μέτριόν ἐστιν τῶν ἐν τούτοις γιγνομένων, τὰς δὲ παλαίστρας καὶ τὰ γυμνάσια καὶ τὰ συμπόσια διώκει καὶ κοσμεῖ μόνος οὗτος.
Simon: Now, the parasite does not frequent the agora or the lawcourts because, I think, all these places belong rather to sycophants, and because nothing moderate takes place in them; but the wrestling schools, gymnasia, and banquets he alone frequents and adorns.
ἐπεὶ τίς ἐν παλαίστρᾳ φιλόσοφος ἢ ῥήτωρ ἀποδὺς ἄξιος συγκριθῆναι παρασίτου τῷ σώματι;
For what philosopher or rhetorician, having stripped in a wrestling school, is worthy to be compared with a parasite in body?
ἢ τίς ἐν γυμνασίῳ τούτων ὀφθεὶς οὐκ αἰσχύνη μᾶλλον τοῦ χωρίου ἐστί;
Or who among them, being seen in a gymnasium, is not rather a disgrace to the place?
καὶ μὴν ἐν ἐρημίᾳ τούτων οὐδεὶς ἂν ὑποσταίη θηρίον ὁμόσε ἰόν, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος αὐτά τε ἐπιόντα μένει καὶ δέχεται ῥᾳδίως, μεμελετηκὼς αὐτῶν ἐν τοῖς δείπνοις καταφρονεῖν, καὶ οὔτε ἔλαφος οὔτε σῦς αὐτὸν ἐκπλήττει πεφρικώς, ἀλλὰ κἂν ἐπʼ αὐτὸν ὁ σῦς τὸν ὀδόντα θήγῃ, καὶ ὁ παράσιτος ἐπὶ τὸν σῦν ἀντιθήγει.
Furthermore, in the wilderness, none of them would withstand a wild beast coming at them; but the parasite awaits them as they attack and receives them easily, having practiced despising them at dinners. And neither a deer nor a bristling boar terrifies him; but even if the boar whets its tusk against him, the parasite whets his teeth against the boar.
τοὺς μὲν γὰρ λαγὼς διώκει μᾶλλον τῶν κυνῶν.
Indeed, he pursues hares more than dogs do.
ἐν δὲ δὴ συμποσίῳ τίς ἂν καὶ ἁμιλλήσαιτο παρασίτῳ ἤτοι παίζοντι ἢ ἐσθίοντι;
And at a banquet, who could even compete with a parasite, whether in jesting or in eating?
τίς δʼ ἂν μᾶλλον εὐφράναι τοὺς συμπότας;
And who could better cheer the fellow-diners?
πότερόν ποτε οὗτος ᾄδων καὶ σκώπτων, ἢ ἄνθρωπος μὴ γελῶν, ἐν τριβωνίῳ κείμενος, εἰς τὴν γῆν ὁρῶν, ὥσπερ ἐπὶ πένθος οὐχὶ συμπόσιον ἥκων;
Would it be this man, singing and jesting, or a man who does not laugh, lying in a threadbare cloak, looking at the ground, as if he had come to a funeral and not to a banquet?
καὶ ἔμοιγε δοκεῖ, ἐν συμποσίῳ φιλόσοφος τοιοῦτόν ἐστιν οἷον ἐν βαλανείῳ κύων.
And it seems to me that a philosopher at a banquet is like a dog in a bathhouse.
§52Σίμων
φέρε δὴ ταῦτα ἀφέντες ἐπʼ αὐτὸν ἤδη βαδίζωμεν τὸν βίον τοῦ παρασίτου, σκοποῦντες ἅμα καὶ παραβάλλοντες ἐκεῖνον.
Simon: Come now, let us leave these things and proceed to the life of the parasite itself, examining and comparing it at the same time.
πρῶτον τοίνυν ἴδοι τις ἂν τὸν μὲν παράσιτον ἀεὶ δόξης καταφρονοῦντα καὶ οὐδὲν αὐτῷ μέλον ὅ τι ἂν οἱ ἄνθρωποι οἴωνται περὶ αὐτοῦ, ῥήτορας δὲ καὶ φιλοσόφους εὕροι τις ἂν οὐ τινάς, ἀλλὰ πάντας ὑπὸ τύφου καὶ δόξης τριβέντας, καὶ οὐ δόξης μόνον, ἀλλὰ καὶ ὃ τούτου αἴσχιόν ἐστιν, ὑπʼ ἀργυρίου.
First, then, one may see the parasite always despising reputation, caring nothing for what people may think of him; whereas one would find not just some, but all rhetoricians and philosophers worn down by vanity and reputation—and not only by reputation, but also, what is more shameful than this, by money.
καὶ ὁ μὲν παράσιτος οὕτως ἔχει πρὸς ἀργύριον ὡς οὐκ ἄν τις οὐδὲ πρὸς τὰς ἐν τοῖς αἰγιαλοῖς ψηφῖδας ἀμελῶς ἔχοι, καὶ οὐδὲν αὐτῷ δοκεῖ διαφέρειν τὸ χρυσίον τοῦ πυρός.
And the parasite is so disposed toward money that no one could be more indifferent even to the pebbles on the beach, and gold seems to him to differ in no way from fire.
οἵ γε μὴν ῥήτορες, καὶ ὃ δεινότερόν ἐστιν, καὶ οἱ φιλοσοφεῖν φάσκοντες πρὸς αὐτὰ οὕτως διάκεινται κακοδαιμόνως, ὥστε τῶν μάλιστα νῦν εὐδοκιμούντων φιλοσόφων — περὶ μὲν γὰρ τῶν ῥητόρων τί δεῖ λέγειν; — ὁ μὲν δικάζων δίκην δώροις ἐπʼ αὐτῇ ἑάλω, ὁ δὲ παρὰ βασιλέως ὑπὲρ τοῦ συνεῖναι μισθὸν αἰτεῖ καὶ οὐκ αἰσχύνεται ὅτι πρεσβύτης ἀνὴρ διὰ τοῦτο ἀποδημεῖ καὶ μισθοφορεῖ καθάπερ Ἰνδὸς ἢ Σκύθης αἰχμάλωτος, καὶ οὐδὲ αὐτὸ τὸ ὄνομα αἰσχύνεται ὃ λαμβάνει.
But the rhetoricians, and what is more terrible, even those who claim to practice philosophy, are so miserably disposed toward it that, among the philosophers who are most highly esteemed today—for why speak of the rhetoricians?—one was convicted of taking bribes in judging a lawsuit, and another demands a salary from the king for being in his company, and is not ashamed that, an old man, he travels abroad for this and serves for pay like an Indian or Scythian captive, nor is he ashamed of the very name he receives.