§1Τυχιάδης
τί ποτε ἄρα, ὦ Σίμων, οἱ μὲν ἄλλοι ἄνθρωποι καὶ ἐλεύθεροι καὶ δοῦλοι τέχνην ἕκαστός τινα ἐπίστανται διʼ ἧς αὑτοῖς τέ εἰσιν καὶ ἄλλῳ χρήσιμοι, σὺ δέ, ὡς ἔοικεν, ἔργον οὐδὲν ἔχεις διʼ οὗ ἄν τι ἢ αὐτὸς ἀπόναιο ἢ ἄλλῳ μεταδοίης;
Tychiades Why on earth is it, Simon, that while all other people, both free and slave, understand some art by which they are useful both to themselves and to others, you, as it seems, have no occupation through which you could either benefit yourself or share something with another?
Σίμων
πῶς τοῦτο ἐρωτᾷς, ὦ Τυχιάδη;
Simon How do you ask this, Tychiades?
οὐδέπω οἶδα.
I do not yet understand.
πειρῶ δὴ σαφέστερον ἐρωτᾶν.
Try to ask more clearly.
Τυχιάδης
ἔστιν ἥντινα τυγχάνεις ἐπιστάμενος τέχνην, οἷον μουσικήν;
Tychiades Is there any art that you happen to understand, for instance, music?
Σίμων
μὰ Δία.
Simon By Zeus, no.
Τυχιάδης
Τί δέ, ἰατρικήν;
Tychiades What about medicine?
Σίμων
οὐδὲ ταύτην.
Simon Not that either.
Τυχιάδης
ἀλλὰ γεωμετρίαν;
Tychiades But geometry?
Σίμων
οὐδαμῶς.
Simon By no means.
Τυχιάδης
τί δέ, ῥητορικήν;
Tychiades What about rhetoric?
φιλοσοφίας μὲν γὰρ τοσοῦτον ἀπέχεις ὅσον καὶ ἡ κακία.
For you are as far removed from philosophy as vice is.
Σίμων
ἐγὼ μέν, εἰ οἷόν τε εἶναι, καὶ πλεῖον.
Simon Indeed, if it were possible, even further.
ὥστε μὴ δόκει τοῦτο καθάπερ ἀγνοοῦντι ὀνειδίσαι· φημὶ γὰρ κακὸς εἶναι καὶ χείρων ἢ σὺ δοκεῖς.
So do not think of reproaching me with this as if I were ignorant; for I say that I am bad, and worse than you think.
Τυχιάδης
ναί.
Tychiades Yes.
ἀλλὰ ταύτας μὲν ἴσως τὰς τέχνας οὐκ ἐξέμαθες διὰ μέγεθος αὐτῶν καὶ δυσκολίαν, τῶν δὲ δημοτικῶν τινα, τεκτονικὴν ἢ σκυτοτομικήν;
But perhaps you did not learn these arts because of their size and difficulty, but what about one of the common ones, like carpentry or shoemaking?
καὶ γὰρ οὐδὲ τἄλλα οὕτως ἔχει σοι, ὡς μὴ καὶ τοιαύτης ἂν δεηθῆναι τέχνης.
For your other circumstances are not such that you would not need some such art.
Σίμων
ὀρθῶς λέγεις, ὦ Τυχιάδη· ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ γὰρ τούτων οὐδεμιᾶς ἐπιστήμων εἰμί.
Simon You speak correctly, Tychiades; but I am not skilled in any of these either.
Τυχιάδης
τίνος οὖν ἑτέρας;
Tychiades In what other, then?
Σίμων
τίνος;
Simon In what?
ὡς ἐγὼ οἶμαι, γενναίας· ἣν εἰ μάθοις, καὶ σὲ ἐπαινέσειν οἴομαι.
In a noble one, as I think; which, if you were to learn of it, I think you too would praise.
ἔργῳ μὲν οὖν κατορθοῦν φημι ἤδη, εἰ δέ σοι καὶ λόγῳ, οὐκ ἔχω εἰπεῖν.
Indeed, I claim to succeed in it in practice already, though whether I can also do so in speech, I cannot say.
Τυχιάδης
τίνα ταύτην;
Tychiades What is this art?
Σίμων
οὔπω μοι δοκῶ τοὺς περὶ ταύτην ἐκμεμελετηκέναι λόγους.
Simon I do not think I have yet fully practiced the arguments concerning it.
ὥστε ὅτι τέχνην μέν τινα ἐπίσταμαι, ὑπάρχει ἤδη σοι γιγνώσκειν καὶ μὴ διὰ τοῦτο χαλεπῶς μοι ἔχειν· ἥντινα δέ, αὖθις ἀκούσῃ.
So, that I do understand some art, you should already recognize and not think ill of me for this; but what it is, you will hear later.
Τυχιάδης
ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἀνέξομαι.
Tychiades But I will not wait.
Σίμων
τό γε τῆς τέχνης παράδοξον ἴσως φανεῖταί σοι ἀκούσαντι.
Simon The paradox of the art will perhaps seem surprising to you when you hear it.
Τυχιάδης
καὶ μὴν διὰ τοῦτο σπουδάζω μαθεῖν.
Tychiades And indeed, for this very reason I am eager to learn.
Σίμων
εἰσαῦθις, ὦ Τυχιάδη.
Simon Some other time, Tychiades.
Τυχιάδης
μηδαμῶς, ἀλλʼ ἤδη λέγε, εἰ μή περ ἄρα αἰσχύνῃ.
Tychiades By no means, speak now, unless indeed you are ashamed.
Σίμων
ἡ παρασιτική.
Simon The art of being a parasite.
§2Τυχιάδης
κᾆτα εἰ μὴ μαίνοιτό τις, ὦ Σίμων, τέχνην ταύτην φαίη ἄν;
Tychiades And then, unless one were mad, Simon, who would say this is an art?
Σίμων
ἔγωγε· εἰ δέ σοι μαίνεσθαι δοκῶ, τοῦ μηδεμίαν ἄλλην ἐπίστασθαι τέχνην αἰτίαν εἶναί μοι τὴν μανίαν δόκει καί με τῶν ἐγκλημάτων ἤδη ἀφίει.
Simon I would; and if I seem mad to you, let my madness be considered the cause of my understanding no other art, and release me now from your accusations.
φασὶ γὰρ τὴν δαίμονα ταύτην τὰ μὲν ἄλλα χαλεπὴν εἶναι τοῖς ἔχουσι, παραιτεῖσθαι δὲ τῶν ἁμαρτημάτων αὐτοὺς ὥσπερ διδάσκαλον ἢ παιδαγωγὸν τούτων ἀναδεχομένην εἰς αὑτὴν τὰς αἰτίας.
For they say that this deity, though harsh in other respects to those who have her, begs off their sins, taking the blame upon herself like a teacher or a pedagogue.
Τυχιάδης
οὐκοῦν, ὦ Σίμων, ἡ παρασιτικὴ τέχνη ἐστί;
Tychiades So, Simon, is the art of being a parasite an art?
Σίμων
τέχνη γάρ, κἀγὼ ταύτης δημιουργός.
Simon An art indeed, and I am its practitioner.
Τυχιάδης
καὶ σὺ ἄρα παράσιτος;
Tychiades So you are a parasite?
Σίμων
πάνυ ὠνείδισας, ὦ Τυχιάδη.
Simon You reproach me greatly, Tychiades.
Τυχιάδης
ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἐρυθριᾷς παράσιτον σαυτὸν καλῶν;
Tychiades But are you not ashamed to call yourself a parasite?
Σίμων
οὐδαμῶς· αἰσχυνοίμην γὰρ ἄν, εἰ μὴ λέγοιμι.
Simon By no means; for I should be ashamed if I did not say so.
Τυχιάδης
καὶ νὴ Δία ὁπόταν σε βουλώμεθα γνωρίζειν τῶν οὐκ ἐπισταμένων τῳ, ὅτε χρῄζοι μαθεῖν, ὁ παράσιτος δῆλον ὅτι φήσομεν εὖ λέγοντες;
Tychiades And by Zeus, whenever we wish to make you known to those who do not know you, when someone wants to learn, we shall speak well in saying "the parasite," shall we not?
Σίμων
πολὺ μᾶλλον τοῦτο λέγοντες ἐμὲ ἢ Φειδίαν ἀγαλματοποιόν· χαίρω γὰρ τῇ τέχνῃ οὐδέν τι ἧττον ἢ Φειδίας ἔχαιρε τῷ Διί.
Simon Much more in saying this of me than calling Phidias a sculptor; for I rejoice in my art no less than Phidias rejoiced in his Zeus.
Τυχιάδης
καὶ μὴν ἐκεῖνό μοι σκοποῦντι προοῖσται γέλως πάμπολυς.
Tychiades And yet, as I consider that, a great deal of laughter comes over me.
Σίμων
τὸ ποῖον;
Simon What kind of laughter?
Τυχιάδης
εἴ γε καὶ ταῖς ἐπιστολαῖς ἄνωθεν ὥσπερ ἔθος ἐπιγράφοιμεν, Σίμωνι παρασίτῳ. Σίμων
καὶ μὴν ἂν ἐμοὶ μᾶλλον χαρίζοιο ἢ Δίωνι ἐπιγράφων φιλοσόφῳ.
Tychiades If we should address you in letters from above, as is the custom, "To Simon the parasite." Simon And indeed, you would please me more than if you addressed Dion "the philosopher."