§13ἄλλοτε δέ ποτε ὁ αὐτὸς προσελθὼν ἠρώτα τὸν Δημώνακτα, τίνα αἵρεσιν ἀσπάζεται μᾶλλον ἐν φιλοσοφίᾳ·
On another occasion, the same man came up and asked Demonax which sect in philosophy he preferred.
ὁ δέ, Τίς γάρ σοι εἶπεν ὅτι φιλοσοφῶ; καὶ ἀπιὼν ἤδη παρʼ αὐτοῦ μάλα ἡδὺ ἐγέλασεν·
He replied, "Why, who told you that I practice philosophy?" And as he was already walking away from him, he laughed very heartily.
τοῦ δὲ ἐρωτήσαντος, ἐφʼ ὅτῳ γελᾷ, ἐκεῖνος ἔφη, Γελοῖόν μοι εἶναι ἔδοξεν, εἰ σὺ ἀπὸ τοῦ πώγωνος ἀξιοῖς κρίνεσθαι τοὺς φιλοσοφοῦντας αὐτὸς πώγωνα οὐκ ἔχων. §14τοῦ δὲ Σιδωνίου ποτὲ σοφιστοῦ Ἀθήνησιν εὐδοκιμοῦντος καὶ λέγοντος ὑπὲρ αὑτοῦ ἔπαινόν τινα τοιοῦτον, ὅτι πάσης φιλοσοφίας πεπείραται — οὐ χεῖρον δὲ αὐτὰ εἰπεῖν ἃ ἔλεγεν· Ἐὰν Ἀριστοτέλης με καλῇ ἐπὶ τὸ Λύκειον, ἕψομαι· ἂν Πλάτων ἐπὶ τὴν Ἀκαδημίαν, ἀφίξομαι· ἂν Ζήνων, ἐν τῇ Ποικίλῃ διατρίψω· ἂν Πυθαγόρας καλῇ, σιωπήσομαι. ἀναστὰς οὖν ἐκ μέσων τῶν ἀκροωμένων, Οὗτος, ἔφη προσειπὼν τὸ ὄνομα, καλεῖ σε Πυθαγόρας. §15Πύθωνος δέ τινος τῶν ἐν Μακεδονίᾳ εὐπαρύφων νεανίσκου ὡραίου ἐρεσχηλοῦντος αὐτὸν καὶ προτείνοντος ἐρώτημά τι σοφιστικὸν καὶ κελεύοντος εἰπεῖν τοῦ συλλογισμοῦ τὴν λύσιν, Ἕν, ἔφη, οἶδα, τέκνον, ὅτι περαίνει. ἀγανακτήσαντος δὲ ἐκείνου ἐπὶ τῷ τῆς ἀμφιβολίας σκώμματι καὶ συναπειλήσαντος, Αὐτίκα σοι μάλα τὸν ἄνδρα δείξω, ὁ δὲ σὺν γέλωτι ἠρώτησεν, Καὶ γὰρ ἄνδρα ἔχεις; §16ἐπεὶ δέ τις ἀθλητὴς καταγελασθεὶς ὑπʼ αὐτοῦ, ὅτι ἐσθῆτα ὤφθη ἀνθινὴν ἀμπεχόμενος Ὀλυμπιονίκης ὤν, ἐπάταξεν αὐτὸν εἰς τὴν κεφαλὴν λίθῳ καὶ αἷμα ἐρρύη, οἱ μὲν παρόντες ἠγανάκτουν ὡς αὐτὸς ἕκαστος τετυπτημένος καὶ ἐβόων πρὸς τὸν ἀνθύπατον ἰέναι, ὁ δὲ Δημῶναξ, Μηδαμῶς, ἔφη, ὦ ἄνδρες, πρὸς τὸν ἀνθύπατον, ἀλλʼ ἐπὶ τὸν ἰατρόν. §17ἐπεὶ δέ ποτε καὶ χρυσοῦν δακτύλιον ὁδῷ βαδίζων εὗρεν, γραμματεῖον ἐν ἀγορᾷ προθεὶς ἠξίου τὸν ἀπολέσαντα, ὅστις εἴη τοῦ δακτυλίου δεσπότης, ἥκειν καὶ εἰπόντα ὁλκὴν αὐτοῦ καὶ λίθον καὶ τύπον ἀπολαμβάνειν·
When the other asked what he was laughing at, he said, "It seemed ridiculous to me that you expect those who practice philosophy to be judged by their beards, when you yourself have no beard." When a certain sophist from Sidon was enjoying a high reputation in Athens and saying in his own praise that he had experienced every philosophy—and indeed it is not a bad idea to quote his very words: "If Aristotle calls me to the Lyceum, I will follow; if Plato to the Academy, I will arrive; if Zeno, I will spend my time in the Stoa; if Pythagoras calls, I will be silent." Rising therefore from the midst of the audience, Demonax called him by name and said, "Hey you, Pythagoras is calling you." When Python, one of the wealthy young men from Macedonia, a handsome youth, was teasing him and proposing a sophistical question, ordering him to state the solution of the syllogism, Demonax said, "One thing I know, my child, that it is concluding." When the youth was angry at the joke with double meaning and added a threat, saying, "I will show you the man right now," Demonax asked with a laugh, "Oh, do you actually have a man?" When a certain athlete, who had been mocked by him because he was seen wearing a flowered garment although he was an Olympic victor, struck him on the head with a stone and drew blood, the bystanders were as angry as if each one of them had been struck, and shouted that he should go to the proconsul. But Demonax said, "By no means, gentlemen, to the proconsul, but to the doctor." Once, when he found a gold ring while walking along the road, he put up a notice in the marketplace, requesting that whoever had lost it and was the owner of the ring should come, and after stating its weight, stone, and design, receive it back.
ἧκεν οὖν τις μειρακίσκος ὡραῖος αὐτὸς ἀπολωλεκέναι λέγων.
Accordingly, a certain handsome youth came, saying that he himself had lost it.
ἐπεὶ δὲ οὐδὲν ὑγιὲς ἔλεγεν, Ἄπιθι, ἔφη, ὦ παῖ, καὶ τὸν ἑαυτοῦ δακτύλιον φύλαττε, τοῦτον γὰρ οὐκ ἀπολώλεκας. §18τῶν δὲ ἀπὸ τῆς Ῥωμαίων βουλῆς τις Ἀθήνησιν υἱὸν αὐτῷ δείξας πάνυ ὡραῖον, θηλυδρίαν δὲ καὶ διακεκλασμένον, Προσαγορεύει σε, ἔφη, ὁ ἐμὸς υἱὸς οὑτοσί, καὶ ὁ Δημῶναξ, Καλός, ἔφη, καὶ σοῦ ἄξιος καὶ τῇ μητρὶ ὅμοιος. §19τὸν δὲ Κυνικὸν τὸν ἐν ἄρκτου δέρματι φιλοσοφοῦντα οὐχ Ὁνωρᾶτον, ὥσπερ ὠνομάζετο, ἀλλʼ Ἀρκεσίλαον καλεῖν ἠξίου. §20ἐρωτήσαντος δέ τινος, τίς αὐτῷ ὅρος εὐδαιμονίας εἶναι δοκεῖ, μόνον εὐδαίμονα ἔφη τὸν ἐλεύθερον·
But when he said nothing sound, Demonax said, "Go away, my boy, and guard your own ring, for you have not lost this one." A certain Roman senator in Athens showed him his son, who was very handsome but effeminate and affected, and said, "This son of mine here greets you." And Demonax said, "A fine youth, worthy of you, and just like his mother." And he insisted on calling the Cynic who practiced philosophy in a bear's skin not "Honoratus," which was his name, but "Arcesilaus." When someone asked him what he thought was the definition of happiness, he said that only the free man is happy.
ἐκείνου δὲ φήσαντος πολλοὺς ἐλευθέρους εἶναι,
ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνον νομίζω τὸν μήτε ἐλπίζοντά τι μήτε δεδιότα· ὁ δέ, Καὶ πῶς ἄν, ἔφη, τοῦτό τις δύναιτο;
And when the other said that there are many free men, he replied, "But I consider that man free who neither hopes for anything nor fears anything." The other said, "And how could anyone do this?
ἅπαντες γὰρ ὡς τὸ πολὺ τούτοις δεδουλώμεθα. καὶ μὴν εἰ κατανοήσεις τὰ τῶν ἀνθρώπων πράγματα, εὕροις ἂν αὐτὰ οὔτε ἐλπίδος οὔτε φόβου ἄξια, παυσομένων πάντως καὶ τῶν ἀνιαρῶν καὶ τῶν ἡδέων. §21Περεγρίνου δὲ τοῦ Πρωτέως ἐπιτιμῶντος αὐτῷ, ὅτι ἐγέλα τὰ πολλὰ καὶ τοῖς ἀνθρώποις προσέπαιζε, καὶ λέγοντος, Δημῶναξ, οὐ κυνᾷς, ἀπεκρίνατο, Περεγρῖνε, οὐκ ἀνθρωπίζεις. §22καὶ μὴν καὶ φυσικόν τινα περὶ τῶν ἀντιπόδων διαλεγόμενον ἀναστήσας καὶ ἐπὶ φρέαρ ἀγαγὼν καὶ δείξας αὐτῷ τὴν ἐν τῷ ὕδατι σκιὰν ἤρετο, Τοιούτους ἄρα τοὺς ἀντίποδας εἶναι λέγεις; §23ἀλλὰ καὶ μάγου τινὸς εἶναι λέγοντος καὶ ἐπῳδὰς ἔχειν ἰσχυράς, ὡς ὑπʼ αὐτῶν ἅπαντας ἀναπεισθῆναι παρέχειν αὐτῷ ὁπόσα βούλεται, Μὴ θαύμαζε, ἔφη· καὶ γὰρ αὐτὸς ὁμότεχνός εἰμί σοι, καὶ εἰ βούλει, ἕπου πρὸς τὴν ἀρτόπωλιν καὶ ὄψει με διὰ μιᾶς ἐπῳδῆς καὶ μικροῦ τοῦ φαρμάκου πείθοντα αὐτὴν δοῦναί μοι τῶν ἄρτων, αἰνιττόμενος τὸ νόμισμα ὡς τὰ ἴσα τῇ ἐπῳδῇ δυνάμενον.
For we are all, for the most part, enslaved to these things." Demonax replied, "And yet, if you consider human affairs, you would find that they are worthy of neither hope nor fear, since both painful and pleasant things will certainly cease." When Peregrinus Proteus reproached him because he laughed often and made fun of people, and said, "Demonax, you do not behave like a dog," he answered, "Peregrinus, you do not behave like a human." Moreover, when a certain physicist was discoursing about the antipodes, Demonax made him stand up, led him to a well, and pointing to his own reflection in the water, asked, "So, do you say that the antipodes are like this?" Also, when a certain magician claimed that he was a magician and had powerful incantations, so that by them everyone was persuaded to grant him whatever he wanted, Demonax said, "Do not wonder; for I myself am a fellow of your craft, and if you like, follow me to the bread-woman, and you will see me, by a single incantation and a tiny drug, persuading her to give me some bread," riddling that money had the same power as an incantation.