§30μετὰ δὲ ταῦτα ἑτέρου δράματος ἥπτετο τῶν ἀμφὶ τὴν νέκυιάν τε καὶ διαθήκας καλινδουμένων, προστιθεὶς ὅτι μίαν φωνὴν οἱ Ῥωμαίων παῖδες ἀληθῆ παρʼ ὅλον τὸν βίον προΐενται, τὴν ἐν ταῖς διαθήκαις λέγων, ἵνα μὴ ἀπολαύσωσι τῆς σφετέρας ἀληθείας.
After this, he touched upon another drama, that of those who wallow around deathbeds and wills, adding that the children of the Romans utter only one true statement during their entire life, meaning that in their wills, 'so that they might not enjoy their own truth,' as he said.
ἃ δὲ καὶ μεταξὺ λέγοντος αὐτοῦ γελᾶν προήχθην, ὅτι καὶ συγκατορύττειν ἑαυτοῖς ἀξιοῦσι τὰς ἀμαθίας καὶ τὴν ἀναλγησίαν ἔγγραφον ὁμολογοῦσιν, οἱ μὲν ἐσθῆτας ἑαυτοῖς κελεύοντες συγκαταφλέγεσθαι τῶν παρὰ τὸν βίον τιμίων, οἱ δὲ καὶ παραμένειν τινὰς οἰκέτας τοῖς τάφοις, ἔνιοι δὲ καὶ στέφειν τὰς στήλας ἄνθεσιν, εὐήθεις ἔτι καὶ παρὰ τὴν τελευτὴν διαμένοντες.
And as for the things which, while he was speaking, I was led to laugh at, [it was] that they think it right even to bury their ignorances along with themselves and confess their insensibility in writing, some ordering clothes, ¦p.v.1.p.130 from among those valued during life, to be burned along with them, others that certain servants remain by the graves, and some even to crown the gravestones with flowers, remaining foolish even up to their death.
§31εἰκάζειν οὖν ἠξίου, τί πέπρακται τούτοις παρὰ τὸν βίον, εἰ τοιαῦτα περὶ τῶν μετὰ τὸν βίον ἐπισκήπτουσι· τούτους γὰρ εἶναι τοὺς τὸ πολυτελὲς ὄψον ὠνουμένους καὶ τὸν οἶνον ἐν τοῖς συμποσίοις μετὰ κρόκων τε καὶ ἀρομάτων ἐκχέοντας, τοὺς μέσου χειμῶνος ἐμπιπλαμένους ῥόδων καὶ τὸ σπάνιον αὐτῶν καὶ παρὰ καιρὸν ἀγαπῶντος, τῶν δʼ ἐν καιρῷ καὶ κατὰ φύσιν ὡς εὐτελῶν ὑπερηφανοῦντας, τούτους εἶναι τοὺς καὶ τὰ μύρα πίνοντας·
He therefore thought it right to infer what had been done by them during life, if they enjoin such things concerning those things after life; for these are the ones who buy expensive delicacies and pour out wine in symposia with saffron and spices, those who in mid-winter fill themselves with roses, loving what is rare and out of season, but despising what is in season and according to nature as cheap, these are the ones who even drink perfumes.
ὃ καὶ μάλιστα διέσυρεν αὐτῶν, ὅτι μηδὲ χρῆσθαι ἴσασιν ταῖς ἐπιθυμίαις, ἀλλὰ κἀν ταύταις παρανομοῦσι καὶ τοὺς ὅρους συγχέουσι, πάντοθεν τῇ τρυφῇ παραδόντες αὑτῶν τὰς ψυχὰς πατεῖν, καὶ τοῦτο δὴ τὸ ἐν ταῖς τραγῳδίαις τε καὶ κωμῳδίαις λεγόμενον, ἤδη καὶ παρὰ θύραν εἰσβιαζόμενοι.
And what he especially ridiculed in them was that they do not even know how to use their desires, but even in these they break the law and confound the boundaries, handing over their souls from every side to luxury to trample upon, and, what is said in tragedies and comedies, already forcing their way in even by the door.
σολοικισμὸν οὖν ἐκάλει τοῦτο τῶν ἡδονῶν.
He therefore called this a 'solecism of pleasures'.
§32ἀπὸ δὲ τῆς αὐτῆς γνώμης κἀκεῖνα ἔλεγεν, ἀτεχνῶς τοῦ Μώμου τὸν λόγον μιμησάμενος· ὡς γὰρ ἐκεῖνος ἐμέμφετο τοῦ ταύρου τὸν δημιουργὸν θεὸν οὐ προθέντα τῶν ὀφθαλμῶν τὰ κέρατα, οὕτω δὴ καὶ αὐτὸς ᾐτιᾶτο τῶν στεφανουμένων, ὅτι μὴ ἴσασι τοῦ στεφάνου τὸν τόπον·
And from the same mind he also said those things, simply imitating the story of Momus; for just as that one blamed the creator god of the bull for not putting the horns in front of the eyes, so indeed he himself accused those who wear crowns, that they do not know the proper place of the crown.
εἰ γάρ τοι, ἔφη, τῇ πνοῇ τῶν ἴων τε καὶ ῥόδων χαίρουσιν, ὑπὸ τῇ ῥινὶ μάλιστα ἐχρῆν αὐτοὺς στέφεσθαι παρʼ αὐτὴν ὡς οἷόν τε τὴν ἀναπνοήν, ἵνʼ ὡς πλεῖστον ἀνέσπων τῆς ἡδονῆς.
For if, indeed, he said, ¦p.v.1.p.132 they enjoy the breath of violets and roses, they ought to be crowned especially under the nose, right next to the breathing itself, so that they might draw in as much of the pleasure as possible.
§33καὶ μὴν κἀκείνους διεγέλα τοὺς θαυμάσιόν τινα τὴν σπουδὴν περὶ τὰ δεῖπνα ποιουμένους χυμῶν τε ποικιλίαις καὶ πεμμάτων περιεργίαις· καὶ γὰρ αὖ καὶ τούτους ἔφασκεν ὀλιγοχρονίου τε καὶ βραχείας ἡδονῆς ἔρωτι πολλὰς πραγματείας ὑπομένειν·
And indeed he also laughed at those who show a wonderful zeal concerning dinners, with variety of flavors and elaborate pastries; for again he said that these too, through love of a short-lived and brief pleasure, undergo many troubles.
ἀπέφαινε γοῦν τεσσάρων δακτύλων αὐτοῖς ἕνεκα πάντα πονεῖσθαι τὸν πόνον, ἐφʼ ὅσους ὁ μήκιστος ἀνθρώπου λαιμός ἐστιν· οὔτε γὰρ πρὶν ἐμφαγεῖν, ἀπολαύειν τι τῶν ἐωνημένων, οὔτε βρωθέντων ἡδίω γενέσθαι τὴν ἀπὸ τῶν πολυτελεστέρων πλησμονήν· λοιπὸν οὖν εἶναι τὴν ἐν τῇ παρόδῳ γιγνομένην ἡδονὴν τοσούτων ὠνεῖσθαι χρημάτων.
At any rate, he showed that all their labor was suffered for the sake of four fingers, which is the length of the longest human throat; for neither before eating do they enjoy any of the things bought, nor once they are eaten does the fullness from more expensive things become any sweeter; consequently, then, it remains to buy for so much money the pleasure that occurs in transit.
εἰκότα δὲ πάσχειν ἔλεγεν αὐτοὺς ὑπʼ ἀπαιδευσίας τὰς ἀληθεστέρας ἡδονὰς ἀγνοοῦντας, ὧν ἁπασῶν φιλοσοφία χορηγός ἐστιν τοῖς πονεῖν προαιρουμένοις.
And he said they suffered deservedly because of their lack of education, being ignorant of the truer pleasures, of all of which philosophy is the provider for those who choose to labor.
§34περὶ δὲ τῶν ἐν τοῖς βαλανείοις δρωμένων πολλὰ μὲν διεξῄει, τὸ πλῆθος τῶν ἑπομένων, τὰς ὕβρεις, τοὺς ἐπικειμένους τοῖς οἰκέταις καὶ μικροῦ δεῖν ἐκφερομένους.
And concerning the things done in the baths, he went through many things: the multitude of attendants, the insolent behaviors, those leaning on their servants and being almost carried out.
ἓν δέ τι καὶ μάλιστα μισεῖν ἐῴκει, πολὺ δʼ ἐν τῇ πόλει τοῦτο καὶ τοῖς βαλανείοις ἐπιχωριάζον προϊόντας γάρ τινας τῶν οἰκετῶν δεῖ βοᾶν καὶ παραγγέλλειν προορᾶσθαι τοῖν ποδοῖν, ἢν ὑψηλόν τι ἢ κοῖλον μέλλωσιν ὑπερβαίνειν, καὶ ὑπομιμνήσκειν αὐτούς, τὸ καινότατον, ὅτι βαδίζουσιν.
But one thing in particular he seemed to hate, and this is very common in the city and in the baths: for it is necessary for some of the servants going ahead to shout and order them to look out for their feet, if they are about to cross over anything high or hollow, and to remind them—what is newest of all—that they are walking.
δεινὸν οὖν ἐποιεῖτο, εἰ στόματος μὲν ἀλλοτρίου δειπνοῦντες μὴ δέονται μηδὲ χειρῶν, μηδὲ τῶν ὤτων ἀκούοντες, ὀφθαλμῶν δὲ ὑγιαίνοντες ἀλλοτρίων δέονται προοψομένων καὶ ἀνέχονται φωνὰς ἀκούοντες δυστυχέσιν ἀνθρώποις πρεπούσας καὶ πεπηρωμένοις· ταῦτα γὰρ αὐτὰ πάσχουσιν ἐν ταῖς ἀγοραῖς ἡμέρας μέσης καὶ οἱ τὰς πόλεις ἐπιτετραμμένοι.
He therefore thought it terrible ¦p.v.1.p.134 if, while dining with another's mouth, they do not need mouths or hands, nor ears when hearing, yet though having healthy eyes they need another's eyes to look ahead, and tolerate hearing voices fitting for unfortunate and crippled people; for even those entrusted with the cities suffer these very things in the marketplaces at midday.