"Come, why should I believe this?" "I will teach you from your own experience.
§386ἤδη ζωμοῦ Παναθηναίοις ἐμπλησθεὶς εἶτʼ ἐταράχθης §387τὴν γαστέρα, καὶ κλόνος ἐξαίφνης αὐτὴν διεκορκορύγησεν; §388νὴ τὸν Ἀπόλλω καὶ δεινὰ ποιεῖ γʼ εὐθύς μοι, καὶ τετάρακται
Have you ever been filled with meat soup at the Panathenaia, and then had your stomach upset, and a sudden rumbling made a noise inside it?" "By Apollo, yes!
§389χὤσπερ βροντὴ τὸ ζωμίδιον παταγεῖ καὶ δεινὰ κέκραγεν· §390ἀτρέμας πρῶτον παππὰξ παππάξ, κἄπειτʼ ἐπάγει παπαπαππάξ, §391χὤταν χέζω, κομιδῇ βροντᾷ παπαπαππὰξ ὥσπερ ἐκεῖναι. §392σκέψαι τοίνυν ἀπὸ γαστριδίου τυννουτουὶ οἷα πέπορδας·
It immediately does terrible things to me, and my stomach is upset, and the little soup rumbles just like thunder and makes a terrible din: first quietly 'pappax pappax', and then it adds 'papapappax', and when I crap, it thunders outright 'papapappax' just like those clouds." "Consider then, from such a tiny little belly, what kind of farts you let loose.
§393τὸν δʼ Ἀέρα τόνδʼ ὄντʼ ἀπέραντον πῶς οὐκ εἰκὸς μέγα βροντᾶν; §394ταῦτʼ ἄρα καὶ τὠνόματʼ ἀλλήλοιν βροντὴ καὶ πορδὴ ὁμοίω. §395ἀλλʼ ὁ κεραυνὸς πόθεν αὖ φέρεται λάμπων πυρί, τοῦτο δίδαξον, §396καὶ καταφρύγει βάλλων ἡμᾶς, τοὺς δὲ ζῶντας περιφλύει;
Then is it not reasonable that this Air, being boundless, should thunder mightily?" "So that was why the two names, thunder and fart, are so similar to each other!" "But where does the lightning bolt come from, flashing with fire, tell me this, and burns us up, or singes those who survive?
§397τοῦτον γὰρ δὴ φανερῶς ὁ Ζεὺς ἵησʼ ἐπὶ τοὺς ἐπιόρκους. §398καὶ πῶς ὦ μῶρε σὺ καὶ Κρονίων ὄζων καὶ βεκκεσέληνε,
For surely Zeus openly hurls this against the perjurers." "How foolish you are, smelling of Kronos and old-fashioned nonsense!
If indeed he strikes the perjurers, why then did he not burn up Simon, nor Cleonymus, nor Theorus?
καίτοι σφόδρα γʼ εἴσʼ ἐπίορκοι·
And yet they are very much perjurers.
Instead, he strikes his own temple and Sunium, the headland of Athens, and the great oaks.
τί μαθών;
Why?
οὐ γὰρ δὴ δρῦς γʼ ἐπιορκεῖ. §403οὐκ οἶδʼ· ἀτὰρ εὖ σὺ λέγειν φαίνει.
For surely an oak does not commit perjury." "I don't know; but you seem to speak well.
τί γάρ ἐστιν δῆθʼ ὁ κεραυνός; §404ὅταν ἐς ταύτας ἄνεμος ξηρὸς μετεωρισθεὶς κατακλῃσθῇ, §405ἔνδοθεν αὐτὰς ὥσπερ κύστιν φυσᾷ, κἄπειθʼ ὑπʼ ἀνάγκης §406ῥήξας αὐτὰς ἔξω φέρεται σοβαρὸς διὰ τὴν πυκνότητα, §407ὑπὸ τοῦ ῥοίβδου καὶ τῆς ῥύμης αὐτὸς ἑαυτὸν κατακάων.
What on earth, then, is the lightning?" "When a dry wind, having risen aloft, is shut up within these clouds, it blows them up from inside like a bladder, and then by necessity bursting them, it rushes outward with a violent force because of its density, burning itself up by its own whizzing sound and rush." "By Zeus, I at least experienced exactly this once at the Diasia, roasting a stomach for my relatives, and then I didn't slice it, having neglected to.
§408νὴ Δίʼ ἐγὼ γοῦν ἀτεχνῶς ἔπαθον τουτί ποτε Διασίοισιν §409ὀπτῶν γαστέρα τοῖς συγγενέσιν, κᾆτʼ οὐκ ἔσχων ἀμελήσας· §410ἡ δʼ ἄρʼ ἐφυσᾶτʼ, εἶτʼ ἐξαίφνης διαλακήσασα πρὸς αὐτὼ §411τὠφθαλμώ μου προσετίλησεν καὶ κατέκαυσεν τὸ πρόσωπον. §412ὦ τῆς μεγάλης ἐπιθυμήσας σοφίας ἄνθρωπε παρʼ ἡμῶν, §413ὡς εὐδαίμων ἐν Ἀθηναίοις καὶ τοῖς Ἕλλησι γενήσει, §414εἰ μνήμων εἶ καὶ φροντιστὴς καὶ τὸ ταλαίπωρον ἔνεστιν §415ἐν τῇ ψυχῇ, καὶ μὴ κάμνεις μήθʼ ἑστὼς μήτε βαδίζων, §416μήτε ῥιγῶν ἄχθει λίαν μήτʼ ἀριστᾶν ἐπιθυμεῖς, §417οἴνου τʼ ἀπέχει καὶ γυμνασίων καὶ τῶν ἄλλων ἀνοήτων, §418καὶ βέλτιστον τοῦτο νομίζεις, ὅπερ εἰκὸς δεξιὸν ἄνδρα, §419νικᾶν πράττων καὶ βουλεύων καὶ τῇ γλώττῃ πολεμίζων. §420ἀλλʼ οὕνεκά γε ψυχῆς στερρᾶς δυσκολοκοίτου τε μερίμνης §421καὶ φειδωλοῦ καὶ τρυσιβίου γαστρὸς καὶ θυμβρεπιδείπνου, §422ἀμέλει θαρρῶν οὕνεκα τούτων ἐπιχαλκεύειν παρέχοιμʼ ἄν.
It puffed up indeed, and then suddenly bursting, right into my eyes it splattered dung and burned my face." "O man who has desired great wisdom from us, how happy you will become among the Athenians and the Greeks, if you are mindful and a thinker, and if endurance is in your soul, and you do not tire whether standing or walking, nor suffer too much from shivering with cold, nor desire to eat breakfast, and abstain from wine, gymnastics, and other foolish things, and consider this to be best, which is fitting for a clever man, to conquer by acting, advising, and warring with your tongue." "But as far as a stout soul, sleep-disturbing worry, and a stingy, life-wearing belly that dines on wild herbs are concerned, do not worry, confidently for these things I would offer myself to be hammered on." "Will you then henceforth believe in no other god except those we do, this Chaos, and the Clouds, and the Tongue, these three?" "I wouldn't even speak to the others at all, not even if I met them; nor would I sacrifice, nor pour libations, nor offer incense." "Tell us then confidently what we should do for you, as you will not fail, honoring and admiring us and seeking to be clever." "O mistresses, I request of you then this very small thing, that I be the best in speaking among the Greeks by a hundred stadia." "But this shall be granted to you from us; so that henceforth no one in the assembly shall win more proposals than you." "Do not speak to me of great proposals; for I do not desire these, but only as much as to twist justice for myself and to slip away from my creditors." "You shall obtain then what you long for; for you do not desire great things.
§423ἄλλο τι δῆτʼ οὖν νομιεῖς ἤδη θεὸν οὐδένα πλὴν ἅπερ ἡμεῖς, §424τὸ Χάος τουτὶ καὶ τὰς Νεφέλας καὶ τὴν γλῶτταν, τρία ταυτί; §425οὐδʼ ἂν διαλεχθείην γʼ ἀτεχνῶς τοῖς ἄλλοις οὐδʼ ἂν ἀπαντῶν· §426οὐδʼ ἂν θύσαιμʼ, οὐδʼ ἂν σπείσαιμʼ, οὐδʼ ἐπιθείην λιβανωτόν. §427λέγε νυν ἡμῖν ὅ τι σοι δρῶμεν θαρρῶν, ὡς οὐκ ἀτυχήσεις §428ἡμᾶς τιμῶν καὶ θαυμάζων καὶ ζητῶν δεξιὸς εἶναι. §429ὦ δέσποιναι δέομαι τοίνυν ὑμῶν τουτὶ πάνυ μικρόν, §430τῶν Ἑλλήνων εἶναί με λέγειν ἑκατὸν σταδίοισιν ἄριστον. §431ἀλλʼ ἔσται σοι τοῦτο παρʼ ἡμῶν· ὥστε τὸ λοιπόν γʼ ἀπὸ τουδὶ §432ἐν τῷ δήμῳ γνώμας οὐδεὶς νικήσει πλείονας ἢ σύ. §433μὴ ʼμοί γε λέγειν γνώμας μεγάλας· οὐ γὰρ τούτων ἐπιθυμῶ, §434ἀλλʼ ὅσʼ ἐμαυτῷ στρεψοδικῆσαι καὶ τοὺς χρήστας διολισθεῖν. §435τεύξει τοίνυν ὧν ἱμείρεις· οὐ γὰρ μεγάλων ἐπιθυμεῖς. §436ἀλλὰ σεαυτὸν θαρρῶν παράδος τοῖς ἡμετέροις προπόλοισιν. §437δράσω ταῦθʼ ὑμῖν πιστεύσας· ἡ γὰρ ἀνάγκη με πιέζει §438διὰ τοὺς ἵππους τοὺς κοππατίας καὶ τὸν γάμον ὅς μʼ ἐπέτριψεν.
But hand yourself over confidently to our ministers." "I will do this, trusting in you; for necessity presses upon me because of the koppa-branded horses and the marriage which ruined me.
§439νῦν οὖν ἀτεχνῶς ὅ τι βούλονται §440τουτὶ τοὐμὸν σῶμʼ αὐτοῖσιν §441παρέχω, τύπτειν πεινῆν διψῆν §442αὐχμεῖν ῥιγῶν ἀσκὸν δείρειν, §443εἴπερ τὰ χρέα διαφευξοῦμαι, §444τοῖς τʼ ἀνθρώποις εἶναι δόξω §445θρασὺς εὔγλωττος τολμηρὸς ἴτης
Now therefore, absolutely whatever they want, this body of mine to them I offer, to beat, to starve, to thirst, to go dirty, to freeze, to flay into a leather bag, if only I shall escape my debts, and to men I shall seem to be bold, tongue-gifted, daring, pushy,"