§17Sed fortasse aliquis opponat et dicat: choc me ergo in praesenti mortalitate contristat quod qui paratus ad confessionem fueram et ad tolerantiam passionis toto me corde et plena uirtute deuoueram martyrio meo priuor, dum morte praeueniorJ. primo in loco non est in tua potestate sed in Dei dignatione martyrium, nec potes te dicere perdidisse quod nescis an merearis accipere.
But perhaps someone may object and say: "This, therefore, in the present mortality, saddens me, that I, who had been prepared for confession and had devoted myself with all my heart and full virtue to the endurance of suffering, am deprived of my martyrdom, while I am anticipated by death." In the first place, martyrdom is not in your power but in God's condescension, nor can you say that you have lost what you do not know whether you deserve to receive.
tunc deinde Deus scrutator est renis et cordis et occultorum contemplator et cognitor, uidet et conlaudat te et conprobat et qui perspicit aput te paratam fuisse uirtutem reddit pro uirtute mercedem.
Then, furthermore, God is the searcher of the reins and the heart, and the observer and knower of secret things; He sees, praises, and approves you, and He who perceives that virtue was prepared in you renders a reward for virtue.
numquid Cain cum Deo munus offerret iam peremerat fratrem? et tamen parricidium mente conceptum Deus prouidus ante damnauit.
Did Cain, when he was offering his gift to God, already slay his brother? And yet, God in His foresight condemned beforehand the parricide conceived in the mind.
ut illic cogitatio mala et perniciosa conceptio Deo prouidente prospecta est, ita et in Dei seruis, aput quos confessio cogitatur et martyrium mente concipitur, animus ad bonum deditus Deo iudice coronatur.
Just as in that case the evil thought and pernicious conception were foreseen by the foreseeing God, so also in the servants of God, in whose minds confession is thought of and martyrdom conceived, the soul dedicated to good is crowned under God as judge.
aliud est martyrio animum deesse, aliud animo defuisse martyrium.
It is one thing for the mind to be lacking for martyrdom, another for martyrdom to have been lacking for the mind.
qualem te inuenit Dominus cum uocat talem pariter et iudicat, quando ipse testetur et dicat: et scient omnes ecclesiae quia ego sum scrutator renis et cordis. nec enim sanguinem Deus nostrum sed fidem quaerit.
In whatever state the Lord finds you when He calls, in that same state He also judges you, since He Himself testifies and says: "And all the churches shall know that I am the searcher of the reins and the heart." For God does not seek our blood, but our faith.
nam nec Abraham nec Isaac nec Iacob occisi sunt, sed tamen fidei ac iustitiae meritis honorati inter patriarchas primi esse meruerunt: ad quorum conuiuium congregatur quisque fidelis et iustus et laudabilis inuenitur.
For neither Abraham, nor Isaac, nor Jacob were slain, but yet, honored for the merits of their faith and righteousness, they deserved to be the first among the patriarchs; to whose banquet everyone who is found faithful, righteous, and laudable is gathered.
§18Meminisse debemus uolxmtatem nos non nostram sed Dei facere. debere secundum quod nos Dominus cottidie iussit orare.
We ought to remember that we should do not our own will but God’s, according to what the Lord has commanded us to pray daily.
quam praeposterum est quamque peruersum, ut cum Dei uoluntatem fieri postulemus, quando euocat nos et arcessit de hoc mundo Deus, non statim uoluntatis eius imperio pareamus! obnitimur et reluctamur et peruicacium more seruorum ad conspectum Domini cum tristitia et maerore perducimur exeuntes istinc necessitatis uinculo, non obsequio uoluntatis: et uolumus ab eo praemiis caelestibus honorari ad quem uenimus inuiti.
How preposterous it is and how perverse that, when we request that God's will be done, when God calls and summons us from this world, we do not immediately obey the command of His will! We resist and struggle, and in the manner of obstinate slaves, we are brought into the presence of the Lord with sadness and grief, departing from here by the bond of necessity, not by the obedience of our will; and we wish to be honored with heavenly rewards by Him to whom we come unwillingly.
quid ergo oramus et petimus ut adueniat regnum caelorum, si captiuitas terrena delectat? quid precibus frequenter iteratis rogamus et poscimus ut adceleret dies regni, si maiora desideria et uota potiora sunt seruire istic diabolo quam regnare cum Christo?
Why then do we pray and ask that the kingdom of heaven may come, if earthly captivity delights us? Why do we, with frequently repeated prayers, ask and demand that the day of His kingdom may hasten, if our greater desires and stronger wishes are to serve the devil here rather than to reign with Christ?
§19Denique ut manifestius diuinae prouidentiae indicia clareseerent quod Dominus praescius futurorum suis consulat ad ueram salutem, cum quidam de collegis et consacerdotibus nostris infirmitate defessus et de adpropinquante morte sollicitus commeatum sibi precaretur, adstitit deprecanti et iam paene morienti iuuenis honore et maiestate uenerabilis, statu celsus et clarus aspectu et quem adsistentem sibi uix possit humanus aspectus oculis carnalibus intueri, nisi quod talem uidere iam poterat de saeculo recessurus.
Finally, so that the proofs of divine providence might shine forth more clearly, showing that the Lord, foreknowing the future, counsels for the true salvation of His own, when one of our colleagues and fellow priests, worn out by illness and anxious about approaching death, was praying for a temporary leave for himself, there stood by him as he prayed and was now almost dying a youth venerable in honor and majesty, lofty in stature and bright in aspect, whom the human sight, with carnal eyes, could scarcely look upon as he stood by him, except that he who was about to depart from the world was already able to see such a one.
adque ille non sine quadam animi et uocis indignatione infremuit et dixit: pati timetis, exire non uultis, quid faciam uobis?> increpantis uox et monentis, qui de persecutione sollicitus, de arcessitione securus non consentit ad praesens desiderium sed consulit in futurum.
And he, not without a certain indignation of mind and voice, cried out and said: "You fear to suffer, you do not wish to depart; what shall I do for you?" This was the voice of one rebuking and warning, who, anxious about persecution but secure about the summons, does not consent to the present desire but counsels for the future.
audiuit frater noster et collega moriturus quod ceteris diceret.
Our dying brother and colleague heard what he should say to the others.
nam qui moriturus audiuit, ad hoc audiuit ut diceret: audiuit non sibi ille sed nobis.
For he who heard it as he was about to die, heard it for this purpose, that he might say it; he heard it not for himself, but for us.
nam quid disceret iam recessurus? didicit immo remanentibus, ut dum sacerdotem qui commeatum petebat increpitum esse conperimus, quid cunctis expediat nosceremus.
For what should he, who was already about to depart, learn? Nay, he learned it for those who remain, so that while we discover that the priest who was asking for leave was rebuked, we might know what is expedient for all.