§22Et super cenam autem et semper alias comissimus multa ioco transigebat; erat enim dicacitatis plurimae, etsi scurrilis et sordidae, ut ne praetextatis quidem uerbis abstineret.
Both at dinner and at all other times he was extremely affable and dispatched many matters with a joke; for he was a man of much wit, though of a scurrilous and low kind, so that he did not even abstain from obscene words.
et tamen nonnulla eius facetissima extant, in quibus et haec.
And yet some very humorous sayings of his are extant, among which are these.
Mestrium Florum consularem, admonitus ab eo 'plaustra' potius quam 'plostra' dicenda, postero die 'Flaurum' salutauit.
When Mestrius Florus, an ex-consul, admonished him that 'plaustra' rather than 'plostra' should be said, on the following day he greeted him as 'Flaurus'.
expugnatus autem a quadam, quasi amore suo deperiret, cum perductae pro concubitu sestertia quadringenta donasset, admonente dispensatore, quem ad modum summam rationibus uellet inferri: 'Vespasiano,' inquit, 'adamato. ' §23utebatur et uersibus Graecis tempestiue satis, et de quodam procerae staturae improbiusque nato:
μακρὰ βιβάς, κραδάων δολιχόσκιον ἔγχος, et de Cerylo liberto, qui diues admodum ob subterfugiendum quandoque ius fisci ingenuum se et Lachetem mutato nomine coeperat ferre:
ὦ Λάχης, Λάχης,
ἐπὰν ἀποθάνῃς, αὖθισ ἐξ ἀρχῆσ ἔσει
σὺ Κηρύλος. maxime tamen dicacitatem adfectabat in deformibus lucris, ut inuidiam aliqua cauillatione dilueret transferretque ad sales.
Again, when he was won over by a certain woman who pretended to be desperately in love with him, and after she was brought to him he had given her four hundred thousand sesterces for her company, on his steward asking him how he wanted the sum to be entered in the accounts, he replied: 'For loving Vespasian.' He also used Greek verses quite seasonably, as of a certain man of tall stature and of rather low birth: 'Striding with long steps, brandishing a far-shadowing spear,' and of Cerylus his freedman, who, being very rich, had begun to pass himself off as freeborn under the changed name of Laches, in order to evade sometime the claims of the privy purse: 'O Laches, Laches, when you are dead, you will once more from the beginning be Cerylus.' He affected wit, however, especially in his shameful profits, so that he might dilute the odium of them with some jest and turn them into a laugh.
Quendam e caris ministris dispensationem cuidam quasi fratri petentem cum distulisset, ipsum candidatum ad se uocauit; exactaque pecunia, quantam is cum suffragatore suo pepigerat, sine mora ordinauit; interpellanti mox ministro: 'alium tibi,' ait, 'quaere fratrem; hic, quem tuum putas, meus est. ' mulionem in itinere quodam suspicatus ad calciandas mulas desiluisse, ut adeunti litigatori spatium moramque praeberet, interrogauit quanti calciasset, et pactus est lucri partem.
When he had put off one of his favorite ministers who was asking for a stewardship for someone as if for his brother, he called the candidate himself to him; and having exacted the money, as much as that man had agreed with his sponsor, he appointed him without delay; to his minister who soon after intervened, he said: 'Find yourself another brother; this one, whom you think yours, is mine.' Suspecting on a certain journey that his muleteer had jumped down to shoe his mules only to afford space and delay for a litigant who was approaching, he asked how much he had received for shoeing them, and bargained for a share of the profit.
reprehendenti filio Tito, quod etiam urinae uectigal commentus esset, pecuniam ex prima pensione admouit ad nares, sciscitans num odore offenderetur; et illo negante: 'atquin,' inquit, 'e lotio est. ' nuntiantis legatos decretam ei publice non mediocris summae statuam colosseam, iussit uel continuo ponere, cauam manum ostentans et paratam basim dicens.
When his son Titus found fault with him because he had devised a tax even on urine, he held money from the first payment to his nose, asking whether he was offended by the odor; and when Titus said no, he said: 'And yet, it comes from urine.' When envoys reported to him that a colossal statue of no small sum had been decreed to him at public expense, he ordered them to set it up even immediately, showing his hollow hand and saying that the pedestal was ready.
ac ne in metu quidem ac periculo mortis extremo abstinuit iocis.
And not even in the fear and extreme danger of death did he abstain from jokes.
nam cum inter cetera prodigia Mausoleum derepente patuisset et stella crinita in caelo apparuisset, alterum ad Iuniam Caluinam e gente Augusti pertinere dicebat, alterum ad Parthorum regem qui capillatus esset; prima quoque morbi accessione: 'uae,' inquit, 'puto deus fio. ' §24Consulatu suo nono temptatus in Campania motiunculis leuibus protinusque urbe repetita, Cutilias ac Reatina rura, ubi aestiuare quotannis solebat, petit.
For when, among other portents, the Mausoleum had suddenly opened and a crested star had appeared in the heavens, he said that the former pertained to Junia Calvina, of the family of Augustus, and the latter to the king of the Parthians, who wore his hair long; and at the very first attack of his illness, he said: 'Alas, I think I am becoming a god.' In his ninth consulship, having been attacked in Campania by slight fevers, and immediately returning to the city, he sought Cutiliae and the Reatine countryside, where he was accustomed to spend the summer every year.
hic cum super urgentem ualitudinem creberrimo frigidae aquae usu etiam intestina uitiasset nec eo minus muneribus imperatoriis ex consuetudine fungeretur, ut etiam legationes audiret cubans, aluo repente usque ad defectionem soluta, imperatorem ait stantem mori oportere; dumque consurgit ac nititur, inter manus subleuantium extinctus est VIIII. Kal. Iul. annum agens aetatis sexagensimum ac nonum superque mensem ac diem septimum.
Here, since in addition to his worsening illness he had also ruined his bowels by the very frequent use of cold water, but nonetheless discharged his imperial duties according to custom, so that he even heard embassies while lying down, on his bowels suddenly being relaxed to the point of fainting, he said that an emperor ought to die standing; and while he was rising and struggling, he expired in the hands of those who were supporting him, on the ninth day before the Kalends of July, being in his sixty-ninth year, plus one month and seven days.
§25Conuenit inter omnis, tam certum eum de sua suorumque genitura semper fuisse, ut post assiduas in se coniurationes ausus sit adfirmare senatui aut filios sibi successuros aut neminem.
It is agreed among all that he was always so certain of his own nativity and that of his family, that after repeated conspiracies against him, he dared to assure the senate that either his sons would succeed him or nobody.
dicitur etiam uidisse quondam per quietem stateram media parte uestibuli Palatinae domus positam examine aequo, cum in altera lance Claudius et Nero starent, in altera ipse ac filii.
It is also said that he once saw in his sleep a balance placed in the middle of the vestibule of the Palatine house with its tongue equal, while in one scale stood Claudius and Nero, and in the other himself and his sons.
nec res fefellit, quando totidem annis parique temporis spatio utrique imperauerunt.
Nor did the event disappoint him, since both dynasties ruled for the same number of years and for an equal space of time.