§3.81Horum ego non fugiam conchylia? me prior ille
Shall I not flee the purple robes of these men?
Shall he sign before me, and recline supported by a better couch, he who was imported to Rome by the same wind as plums and figs?
Is it so utterly nothing that our infancy drank in the air of the Aventine, nourished by the Sabine berry?
§3.86Quid quod adulandi gens prudentissima laudat §3.87sermonem indocti, faciem deformis amici, §3.88et longum invalidi collum cervicibus aequat §3.89Herculis Antaeum procul a tellure tenentis, §3.90miratur vocem angustam, qua deterius nec §3.91ille sonat quo mordetur gallina marito?
What of the fact that this nation, most expert in flattery, praises the speech of an uneducated friend, the face of an ugly one, and compares the long neck of a weakling to the neck of Hercules holding Antaeus far from the earth, and admires a squeaky voice, than which nothing sounds worse, not even that of the husband by whom the hen is bitten?
§3.92haec eadem licet et nobis laudare, sed illis
It is permitted for us also to praise these same things, but they are believed.
§3.93creditur, an melior, cum Thaida sustinet aut cum §3.94uxorem comoedus agit vel Dorida nullo §3.95cultam palliolo? mulier nempe ipsa videtur,
Or is anyone better when the comic actor sustains the role of Thais, or when he plays the wife, or Doris dressed in no cloak?
Indeed, a woman herself seems to speak, not a mask; you would say all is empty and smooth below the belly, separated only by a thin cleft.
§3.98nec tamen Antiochus nec erit mirabilis illic §3.99aut Stratocles aut cum molli Demetrius Haemo: §3.100natio comoeda est.
And yet, neither Antiochus nor Stratocles nor Demetrius with the soft Haemus will be wondered at there: the nation is a comic actor.
rides, maiore cachinno §3.101concutitur; flet, si lacrimas conspexit amici, §3.102nec dolet; igniculum brumae si tempore poscas, §3.103accipit endromidem; si dixeris
"aestuo,"
sudat.
You laugh, and he is shaken by a greater guffaw; he weeps if he has seen the tears of a friend, yet does not grieve; if you ask for a little fire in winter time, he puts on a heavy cloak; if you say "I am hot," he sweats.
§3.104non sumus ergo pares: melior, qui semper et omni §3.105nocte dieque potest aliena sumere vultum §3.106a facie, iactare manus, laudare paratus, §3.107si bene ructavit, si rectum minxit amicus, §3.108si trulla inverso crepitum dedit aurea fundo.
Therefore we are not equals: he is better who, always and every night and day, can take his facial expression from another's face, wave his hands, ready to praise, if his friend has belched well, if he has urinated straight, or if the golden basin, when its bottom is upturned, has made a sound.
§3.109Praeterea sanctum nihil est neque ab inguine tutum, §3.110non matrona Laris, non filia virgo, neque ipse §3.111sponsus levis adhuc, non filius ante pudicus; §3.112horum si nihil est, aviam resupinat amici,
Moreover, nothing is holy to them, nor safe from their lust; not the mistress of the house, not the virgin daughter, nor the betrothed youth whose face is still smooth, nor the son who was previously chaste; if none of these is available, he lays back the grandmother of his friend.
And since mention has been made of the Greeks, pass by their gymnasia and hear the crime of a grander cloak.
§3.116Stoicus occidit Baream delator amicum §3.117discipulumque senex, ripa nutritus in illa, §3.118ad quam Gorgonei delapsa est pinna caballi.
A Stoic, an informer, an old man, destroyed his friend Barea, his own disciple, he who was brought up on that bank where the feather of the Gorgonean horse fell.
§3.119non est Romano cuiquam locus hic, ubi regnat §3.120Protogenes aliquis vel Diphilus aut Hermarchus, §3.121qui gentis vitio numquam partitur amicum, §3.122solus habet, nam cum facilem stillavit in aurem §3.123exiguum de naturae patriaeque veneno, §3.124limine summoveor, perierunt tempora longi §3.125servitii; nusquam minor est iactura clientis.
There is no place here for any Roman, where some Protogenes or Diphilus or Hermarchus reigns, who, by the vice of his race, never shares a friend, but has him all to himself; for when he has dripped into a ready ear a tiny drop of the poison of his own nature and country, I am driven from the threshold; the years of long service are perished; nowhere is the loss of a client of less account.
§3.126Quod porro officium, ne nobis blandiar, aut quod §3.127pauperis hic meritum, si curet nocte togatus §3.128currere, cum praetor lictorem impellat et ire §3.129praecipitem iubeat dudum vigilantibus orbis, §3.130ne prior Albinam et Modiam collega salutet?
Furthermore, not to flatter ourselves, what duty is there or what merit for a poor man here, if he takes care to run in his toga by night, when the praetor himself urges on his lictor and orders him to go headlong, since the childless women have long been awake, lest his colleague greet Albina and Modia before him?
§3.131divitis hic servo claudit latus ingenuorum §3.132filius; alter enim quantum in legione tribuni §3.133accipiunt donat Calvinae vel Catienae, §3.134ut semel aut iterum super illam palpitet; at tu, §3.135cum tibi vestiti facies scorti placet, haeres §3.136et dubitas alta Chionen deducere sella,
Here the son of free-born citizens walks by the side of a rich man's slave; for the latter gives to Calvina or Catiena as much as military tribunes receive in a legion, so that he may pant over her once or twice; but you, when the face of a common prostitute pleases you, hesitate and doubt to hand Chione down from her high chair.
§3.137da testem Romae tam sanctum quam fuit hospes §3.138numinis Idaei, procedat vel Numa vel qui §3.139servavit trepidam flagranti ex aede Minervam: §3.140protinus ad censum, de moribus ultima fiet §3.141quaestio.
Produce a witness at Rome as holy as was the host of the Idaean deity; let Numa step forward, or he who saved the trembling Minerva from her burning temple: immediately the question is about his wealth, and the inquiry concerning his character will be the very last.
‘quot pascit servos? quot possidet agri §3.142iugera? quam multa magnaque paropside cenat?’ §3.143quantum quisque sua nummorum servat in arca,
'How many slaves does he feed? How many jugera of land does he possess? From how many and how large a dish does he dine?' As much money as each man keeps in his chest, so much credit too he has.
§3.144tantum habet et fidei, iures licet et Samothracum §3.145et nostrorum aras, contemnere fulmina pauper §3.146creditur atque deos dis ignoscentibus ipsis.
Though you swear by the altars of Samothrace and of our own gods, the poor man is believed to despise thunderbolts and the gods, with the gods themselves forgiving him.
§3.147Quid quod materiam praebet causasque iocorum §3.148omnibus hic idem, si foeda et scissa lacerna, §3.149si toga sordidula est et rupta calceus alter §3.150pelle patet, vel si consuto vulnere crassum §3.151atque recens linum ostendit non una cicatrix?
What of the fact that this same man provides material and causes for jests to all, if his cloak is dirty and torn, if his toga is a little soiled, and one of his shoes gapes with ruptured leather, or if more than one scar shows the coarse and fresh thread where the wound has been sewn up?
Unhappy poverty has nothing harder in itself than that it makes men ridiculous.
"exeat,"
inquit, §3.154“si pudor est, et de pulvino surgat equestri §3.155cuius res legi non sufficit, et sedeant hic §3.156lenonum pueri quocumque ex fornice nati; §3.157hic plaudat nitidi praeconis filius inter §3.158pinnirapi cultos iuvenes iuvenesque lanistae”: §3.159sic libitum vano, qui nos distinxit, Othoni.
'Let him depart,' he says, 'if he has any shame, and let him rise from the equestrian cushion, whose property does not suffice for the law, and let the sons of pimps, born from whatever brothel, sit here; let the son of a sleek crier applaud here among the elegant youths of a gladiator and the youths of a trainer': thus it pleased the vain Otho, who distinguished us.
§3.160quis gener hic placuit censu minor atque puellae
What son-in-law has ever pleased here, who is inferior in wealth and unequal to the girl's fortune?