§9.10.1nihil habebam quod scriberem.
I have nothing to write.
neque enim novi quicquam audieram et ad tuas omnis rescripseram pridie.
For I have heard nothing new and had replied to all of yours the day before.
sed cum me aegritudo non solum somno privaret verum ne vigilare quidem sine summo dolore pateretur, tecum ut quasi loquerer, in quo uno acquiesco, hoc nescio quid nullo argumento proposito scribere institui.
But since my distress not only deprives me of sleep but does not even allow me to be awake without the greatest pain, in order to speak with you, as it were, in whom alone I find rest, I have resolved to write this, I know not what, without any proposed theme.
§9.10.2amens mihi fuisse videor a principio et me una haec res torquet quod non omnibus in rebus labentem vel potius ruentem Pompeium tamquam unus manipularis secutus sim.
I seem to myself to have been mad from the beginning, and this one thing tortures me, that I did not follow Pompey in his decline, or rather his ruin, in every respect like an ordinary soldier.
vidi hominem xiiii K. Febr. plenum formidinis.
I saw the man on the nineteenth of January, full of fear.
illo ipso die sensi quid ageret.
On that very day I sensed what he was doing.
numquam mihi postea placuit nec umquam aliud in alio peccare destitit.
Never afterwards did he please me, nor did he ever cease to make blunder after blunder.
nihil interim ad me scribere, nihil nisi fugam cogitare.
Meanwhile, he wrote nothing to me, and thought of nothing but flight.
quid quaeris? sicut ἐν τοῖσ ἐρωτικοῖσ alienant immundae, insulsae, indecorae, sic me illius fugae neglegentiaeque deformitas avertit ab amore.
What more do you want? Just as in love affairs, dirty, silly, and indecent women alienate their lovers, so the ugliness of his flight and negligence turned me away from my love.
nihil enim dignum faciebat qua re eius fugae comitem me adiungerem.
For he did nothing worthy of my joining him as a companion of his flight.
nunc emergit amor, nunc desiderium ferre non possum, nunc mihi nihil libri, nihil litterae, nihil doctrina prodest.
But now love emerges, now I cannot bear the longing, now neither books, nor letters, nor learning avail me anything.
ita dies et noctes tamquam avis illa mare prospecto evolare cupio.
Thus day and night, like that bird, I gaze out at the sea and desire to fly away.
do, do poenas temeritatis meae.
I pay, indeed I pay the penalty for my rashness.
etsi quae fuit illa temeritas? quid feci non consideratissime? si enim nihil praeter fugam quaereretur, fugissem libentissime, sed genus belli crudelissimi et maximi quod nondum vident homines quale futurum sit perhorrui.
And yet, what was that rashness? What did I do that was not most carefully considered? For if nothing but flight were being sought, I would have fled most gladly; but I dreaded the character of a most cruel and vast war, the future of which men do not yet see.
quae minae municipiis, quae nominatim viris bonis, quae denique omnibus qui remansissent! quam crebro illud
"Sulla potuit, ego non potero?"
What threats to the municipalities, what threats by name to good men, and finally to all who remained!
§9.10.3mihi autem haeserunt illa. male Tarquinius qui Porsenam, qui Octavium Mamilium contra patriam, impie Coriolanus qui auxilium petiit a Volscis, recte Themistocles qui mori maluit, nefarius Hippias Pisistrati filius qui in Marathonia pugna cecidit arma contra patriam ferens; at Sulla, at Marius, at Cinna recte, immo iure fortasse;
How often was that saying repeated: "Sulla could, shall I not be able?" But these things stuck in my mind: Tarquin did wrongly in seeking help against his country from Porsena and Octavius Mamilius; Coriolanus acted impiously in seeking aid from the Volscians; Themistocles was right in preferring to die; wicked was Hippias, son of Pisistratus, who fell in the battle of Marathon bearing arms against his country; but Sulla, Marius, and Cinna acted rightly, or perhaps even lawfully?
sed quid eorum victoria crudelius, quid funestius? huius belli genus fugi et eo magis quod crudeliora etiam cogitari et parari videbam.
Yet what was more cruel or more disastrous than their victory? I fled from this kind of war, and all the more because I saw even more cruel things being planned and prepared.
me quem non nulli conservatorem istius urbis, quem parentem esse dixerunt Getarum et Armeniorum et Colchorum copias ad eam adducere? me meis civibus famem, vastitatem inferre Italiae? hunc primum mortalem esse, deinde etiam multis modis posse exstingui cogitabam, urbem autem et populum nostrum servandum ad immortalitatem, quantum in nobis esset, putabam, et tamen spes quaedam me sustentabat fore ut aliquid conveniret potius quam aut hic tantum sceleris aut ille tantum flagiti admitteret.
Should I, whom some have called the savior of this city, whom they have called its parent, lead the forces of the Getae, the Armenians, and the Colchians against it? Should I bring famine upon my fellow citizens, and devastation upon Italy? I thought that this man was first of all mortal, and secondly could be extinguished in many ways; but I believed that our city and people ought to be preserved for immortality, as far as in us lay. And yet a certain hope sustained me that some agreement would be reached, rather than that this man should commit such crime or that man such infamy.
alia res nunc tota est, alia mens mea.
Now the whole matter is different, and so is my mind.
sol, ut est in tua quadam epistula, excidisse mihi e mundo videtur.
The sun, as it says in one of your letters, seems to me to have fallen from the world.
ut aegroto, dum anima est, spes esse dicitur, sic ego, quoad Pompeius in Italia fuit, sperare non destiti.
As it is said of a sick man that while there is breath there is hope, so I, as long as Pompey was in Italy, did not cease to hope.
haec, haec me fefellerunt et, ut verum loquar, aetas iam a diuturnis laboribus devexa ad otium domesticarum me rerum delectatione mollivit.
These things, these very things deceived me; and, to tell the truth, my age, already declining from long labors toward retirement, softened me with the pleasure of my domestic affairs.
nunc si vel periculose experiundum erit, experiar certe ut hinc avolem.
Now, even if it must be attempted at some risk, I shall certainly try to fly away from here.
ante oportuit fortasse; sed ea quae scripsisti me tardarunt et auctoritas maxime tua.
Perhaps I ought to have done so before; but the things you wrote and especially your authority delayed me.
§9.10.4nam cum ad hunc locum venissem, evolvi volumen epistularum tuarum quod ego sub signo habeo servoque diligentissime.
For when I came to this point, I unrolled the volume of your letters, which I keep under seal and guard most carefully.
erat igitur in ea quam x K. Febr. dederas, hoc modo,
"sed videamus et Gnaeus quid agat et illius rationes quorsum fluant.
I found, therefore, in the one you sent on the twenty-third of January, the following: "But let us see both what Gnaeus is doing and where his plans are drifting.
quod si iste Italiam relinquet, faciet omnino male et, ut ego existimo, ἀλογίστωσ, sed tum demum consilia nostra commutanda erunt. "
hoc scribis post diem quartum quam ab urbe discessimus.
But if he leaves Italy, he will do altogether badly and, as I think, irrationally; but only then must our plans be changed." This you wrote on the fourth day after we departed from the city.
deinde viii K. Febr. ,
"tantum modo Gnaeus noster ne, ut urbem ἀλογίστωσ reliquit, sic Italiam relinquat. "
eodem die das alteras litteras quibus mihi consulenti planissime respondes.
Then on the twenty-fifth of January: "Only let not our Gnaeus, as he irrationally left the city, so leave Italy." On the same day you sent another letter in which you answered my consultation most clearly.
est enim sic,
"sed venio ad consultationem tuam.
For it is as follows: "But I come to your consultation.
si Gnaeus Italia cedit, in urbem redeundum puto; quae enim finis peregrinationis?"
hoc mihi plane haesit, et nunc ita video infinitum bellum iunctum miserrima fuga quam tu peregrinationem ὑποκορίζῃ.
If Gnaeus departs from Italy, I think you should return to the city; for what is the end of this wandering?" This stuck in my mind plainly, and now I see an endless war joined with a most wretched flight, which you euphemize as "wandering."