§7.3.1persaepe mihi cogitanti de communibus miseriis, in quibus tot annos versamur et, ut video, versabimur, solet in mentem venire illius temporis, quo proxime fuimus una; quin etiam ipsum diem memoria teneo; nam a. d. iiii Id. Mai. Lentulo et Marcello coss. , cum in Pompeianum vesperi venissem, tu mihi sollicito animo praesto fuisti.
Very often, as I reflect upon the common miseries in which we have been engaged for so many years and, as I see, shall be engaged, it is accustomed to come to my mind of that time when we were last together; indeed, I even hold the day itself in memory; for on the fourth day before the Ides of May, in the consulship of Lentulus and Marcellus, when I had arrived at my Pompeian villa in the evening, you were present to me with an anxious mind.
sollicitum autem te habebat cogitatio cum offici tum etiam periculi mei.
Moreover, the thought both of my duty and also of my danger kept you anxious.
si manerem in Italia, verebare ne officio dessem; si proficiscerer ad bellum, periculum te meum commovebat.
If I remained in Italy, you feared lest I should be wanting to my duty; if I set out for the war, my danger moved you.
quo tempore vidisti profecto me quoque ita conturbatum ut non is explicarem quid esset optimum factu.
At which time you surely saw that I also was so troubled that I did not resolve what was best to do.
pudori tamen malui famaeque cedere quam salutis meae rationem ducere.
Yet I preferred to yield to shame and reputation rather than to take account of my own safety.
§7.3.2cuius me mei facti paenituit non tam propter periculum meum quam propter vitia multa, quae ibi offendi quo veneram, primum neque magnas copias neque bellicosas; deinde extra ducem paucosque praeterea (de principibus loquor) reliqui primum in ipso bello rapaces, deinde in oratione ita crudeles ut ipsam victoriam horrorem; maximum autem aes alienum amplissimorum virorum.
Of which action of mine I repented, not so much because of my own danger as because of the many vices which I encountered in that place where I had come: first, the troops were neither large nor warlike; second, except for the general and a few others (I am speaking of the leaders), the rest were, first, rapacious in the war itself, and second, so cruel in their speech that I shuddered at victory itself; moreover, there was the enormous debt of the most distinguished men.
quid quaeris? nihil boni praeter causam.
What more do you ask? There was nothing good except the cause.
quae cum vidissem, desperans victoriam primum coepi suadere pacem cuius fueram semper auctor; deinde, cum ab ea sententia Pompeius valde abhorreret, suadere institui ut bellum duceret.
When I had seen these things, despairing of victory, I first began to advise peace, of which I had always been a promoter; then, since Pompey shrank exceedingly from that opinion, I began to urge him to prolong the war.
hoc interdum probabat et in ea sententia videbatur fore et fuisset fortasse, nisi quadam ex pugna coepisset suis militibus confidere.
He sometimes approved of this and seemed likely to remain in that opinion, and would perhaps have done so, had he not begun to trust his soldiers after a certain battle.
ex eo tempore vir ille summus nullus imperator fuit.
From that time on, that greatest of men was no general.
signa tirone et collecticio exercitu cum legionibus robustissimis contulit; victus turpissime amissis etiam castris solus fugit.
He joined battle with a raw and scratch army against the most robust legions; vanquished most shamefully, having also lost his camp, he fled alone.
§7.3.3hunc ego mihi belli finem feci nec putavi, cum integri pares non fuissemus, fractos superiores fore;
I made this the end of the war for myself, nor did I think that we, who had not been a match when unbroken, would be superior when broken.
discessi ab eo bello, in quo aut in acie cadendum fuit aut in aliquas insidias incidendum aut deveniendum in victoris manus aut ad Iubam confugiendum aut capiendus tamquam exsilio locus aut consciscenda mors voluntaria.
I departed from that war in which one had either to fall in battle, or to fall into some ambush, or to come into the hands of the victor, or to flee to Juba, or to choose a place as if for exile, or to inflict voluntary death upon oneself.
certe nihil fuit praeterea, si te victori nolles aut non auderes committere.
Certainly there was nothing else, if you were unwilling or did not dare to trust yourself to the victor.
ex omnibus autem iis quae dixi incommodis nihil tolerabilius exsilio, praesertim innocenti ubi nulla adiuncta est turpitudo; addo etiam, cum ea urbe careas in qua nihil sit quod videre possis sine dolore.
But of all those disadvantages which I have mentioned, nothing is more tolerable than exile, especially for an innocent man where no disgrace is attached; I add also, when you are absent from that city in which there is nothing that you can see without pain.
ego cum meis, si quicquam nunc cuiusquam est, etiam in meis esse malui.
I preferred to be with my own people, if anything now belongs to anyone, and also to be among my own possessions.
quae acciderunt,omnia dixi futura.
Everything that has happened, I said would come to pass.
§7.3.4veni domum, non quo optima vivendi condicio esset, sed tamen, si esset aliqua forma rei p. tamquam in patria ut essem, si nulla, tamquam in exsilio.
I came home, not because the condition of living was the best, but nevertheless, so that if there were any form of the republic, I might be as if in my native land, if none, as if in exile.
mortem mihi cur consciscerem causa non visa est, cur optarem multae causae.
There seemed to be no reason why I should inflict death upon myself, but many reasons why I should wish for it.
vetus est enim, ubi non sis qui fueris, non esse cur velis vivere.
For it is an old saying, when you are not what you were, there is no reason why you should wish to live.
sed tamen vacare culpa magnum est solacium, praesertim cum habeam duas res quibus me sustentem, optimarum artium scientiam et maximarum rerum gloriam; quarum altera mihi vivo numquam eripietur, altera ne mortuo quidem.
But yet, to be free from guilt is a great consolation, especially since I have two things with which to support myself: the knowledge of the finest arts and the glory of the greatest achievements; of which the one will never be snatched from me while living, and the other not even when dead.
§7.3.5haec ad te scripsi verbosius et tibi molestus fui, quod te cum mei tum rei p. cognovi amantissimum.
I have written these things to you at greater length and have been troublesome to you, because I know you to be most affectionate both towards me and towards the republic.
notum tibi omne meum consilium esse volui, ut primum scires me numquam voluisse plus quemquam posse quam universam rem p. , postea autem quam alicuius culpa tantum valeret unus ut obsisti non posset, me voluisse pacem; amisso exercitu et eo duce, in quo spes fuerat uno, me voluisse etiam reliquis omnibus, postquam non potuerim, mihi ipsi finem fecisse belli; nunc autem si haec civitas est, civem esse me, si non, exsulem esse non incommodiore loco quam si Rhodum aut Mytilenas me contulissem.
I wished my entire purpose to be known to you, so that first you might know that I never wished any single person to have more power than the state as a whole; but afterwards, when through someone's fault one man had become so powerful that he could not be resisted, that I wanted peace; and when the army was lost, along with that general in whom alone our hope had been, I wanted to put an end to the war for myself, as I could not do so for all the rest; and now, if this is a citizen state, that I am a citizen, if not, that I am an exile in a place no less convenient than if I had betaken myself to Rhodes or Mytilene.
§7.3.6haec tecum coram malueram; sed quia longius fiebat, volui per litteras eadem, ut haberes quid diceres, si quando in vituperatores meos incidisses.
I should have preferred to discuss these things with you in person; but because it was taking too long, I wished to communicate the same things by letter, so that you might have something to say if ever you should fall in with my detractors.
sunt enim qui, cum meus interitus nihil fuerit rei p. profuturus, criminis loco putent esse quod vivam; quibus ego certo scio non videri satis multos perisse.
For there are some who, although my death would have been of no benefit to the republic, consider it as a crime that I am alive; among whom I know for certain that not enough people seem to have perished.
qui si me audissent, quamvis iniqua pace, honeste tamen viverent; armis enim inferiores, non causa fuissent.
Who, if they had listened to me, would be living honorably, albeit in an unequal peace; for they would have been inferior in arms, not in their cause.
habes epistulam verbosiorem fortasse quam velles; quod tibi ita videri putabo, nisi mihi longiorem remiseris.
You have a letter perhaps more wordy than you would wish; which I shall think seems so to you, unless you send me back a longer one.
ego si quae volo expediero, brevi tempore te, ut spero, videbo.
As for me, if I clear up the things I wish, I shall see you, as I hope, in a short time.