§4.13.1quaerenti mihi iam diu, quid ad te potissimum scriberem, non modo certa res nulla, sed ne genus quidem litterarum usitatum veniebat in mentem.
While I have been wondering for a long time now what I should write to you above all, not only did no definite subject come to my mind, but not even the customary style of letter.
unam enim partem et consuetudinem earum epistularum, quibus secundis rebus uti solebamus, tempus eripuerat, perfeceratque fortuna, ne quid tale scribere possem aut omnino cogitare.
For the times had snatched away, and fortune had completed the destruction of, that one department and habit of those letters which we used to write in prosperous times, so that I could write nothing of the sort, nor even think of it at all.
relinquebatur triste quoddam et miserum et his temporibus consentaneum genus litterarum.
There remained a certain sad and wretched kind of letter, suited to these times.
id quoque deficiebat me, in quo debebat esse aut promissio auxili alicuius aut consolatio doloris tui.
But even this was lacking to me, in which there ought to be either a promise of some help or a consolation for your grief.
quod pollicerer, non erat; ipse enim pari fortuna †adiectus aliorum opibus casus meos sustentabam, saepiusque mihi veniebat in mentem queri, quod ita viverem, quam gaudere, quod viverem. §4.13.2quamquam enim nulla me ipsum privatim pepulit insignis iniuria nec mihi quicquam tali tempore in mentem venit optare, quod non ultro mihi Caesar detulerit, tamen non nihil eis conficior curis, ut ipsum, quod maneam in vita, peccare me existimem.
There was nothing for me to promise; for I myself, cast down by a similar fortune, was sustaining my own misfortunes by the resources of others, and it occurred to my mind more often to lament that I was living in such a way, than to rejoice that I was alive. For although no remarkable injury has struck me personally in private, nor did it occur to me to wish for anything in such a time which Caesar did not of his own accord grant to me, yet I am so wasted by these anxieties that I think myself to be doing wrong in the very fact that I remain in life.
careo enim cum familiarissimis multis, quos aut mors eripuit nobis aut distraxit fuga, tum omnibus amicis, quorum benevolentiam nobis conciliarat per me quondam te socio defensa res publica, versorque in eorum naufragiis et bonorum direptionibus nec audio solum, quod ipsum esset miserum, sed etiam id ipsum video, quo nihil est acerbius, eorum fortunas dissipari, quibus nos olim adiutoribus illud incendium exstinximus, et, in qua urbe modo gratia, auctoritate, gloria floruimus, in ea nunc his quidem omnibus caremus;
For I am deprived not only of many of my most intimate friends, whom either death has snatched from us or flight has scattered, but also of all those friends whose goodwill had been won for us by the state defended in former times through me with you as my associate; and I am involved in their shipwrecks and the plundering of their goods, and I not only hear of—which in itself would be wretched—but even see with my own eyes, than which nothing is more bitter, the fortunes being dissipated of those very men with whose help we once extinguished that conflagration.
obtinemus ipsius Caesaris summam erga nos humanitatem, sed ea plus non potest quam vis et mutatio omnium rerum atque temporum. §4.13.3itaque orbus iis rebus omnibus quibus et natura me et voluntas et consuetudo adsuefecerat, cum ceteris, ut quidem videor, tum mihi ipse displiceo.
And in the city where but recently we flourished in influence, authority, and glory, in that very city we are now entirely deprived of all these; we retain, indeed, the supreme kindness of Caesar himself towards us, but this cannot avail more than the violence and revolution of all things and times. Therefore, bereaved of all those things to which both my nature, my will, and my habit had accustomed me, I am displeased with myself as well as with others, as indeed I seem to be.
natus enim ad agendum semper aliquid dignum viro nunc non modo agendi rationem nullam habeo, sed ne cogitandi quidem et, qui antea aut obscuris hominibus aut etiam sontibus opitulari poteram, nunc P. Nigidio, uni omnium doctissimo et sanctissimo et maxima quondam gratia et mihi certe amicissimo, ne benigne quidem polliceri possum.
For, born to be always doing something worthy of a man, I now have no scope not only for action but not even for thought; and I, who formerly could help either obscure men or even the guilty, cannot now make even a promising offer to Publius Nigidius, the one most learned and holy of all men, once of the greatest influence, and certainly most friendly to me.
ergo hoc ereptum est litterarum genus.
Therefore, this kind of letter also has been snatched away.