§1Curate ut splendor meo sit clupeo clarior §2quam solis radii esse olim quom sudumst solent, §3ut, ubi usus veniat, contra conserta manu §4praestringat oculorum aciem in ácie hostibus.
Pyrgopolynices Take care that the splendor of my shield be brighter than the rays of the sun are wont to be when the sky is clear, so that, when the need arises, in close combat, it may dazzle the sharp eyes of the enemies in the battle line.
§5nam ego hanc machaeram mihi consolari volo, §6ne lamentetur neve animum despondeat, §7quia se iam pridem feriatam gestitem, §8quae misera gestit † et fratrem facere ex hostibus.
For I wish to comfort this sword of mine, lest she should lament or lose heart, because I have kept her idle for so long, she, wretched one, who longs to make minced meat of the enemies.
§9sed ubi Artotrogus hic est?
But where is Artotrogus here?
§9bStat propter virum §10fortem atque fortunatum et forma regia; §11tum bellatorem — Mars haud ausit dicere §12neque aequiperare suas virtutes ad tuas.
Artotrogus He stands beside a man brave and fortunate and of royal beauty; moreover, a warrior — Mars would not dare to say nor compare his own virtues to yours.
§13Quemne ego servavi in campis Curculioniis, §14ubi Bumbomachides Clutomistaridysarchides §15erat imperator summus, Neptuni nepos?
Pyrgopolynices The one whom I saved on the Curculionian plains, where Bumbomachides Clutomistaridysarchides was the supreme commander, the grandson of Neptune?
§16Memini.
Artotrogus I remember.
nempe illum dicis cum armis aureis, §17cuius tú legiones difflavisti spiritu, §18quasi ventus folia aut paniculum tectorium.
Surely you mean him with the golden armor, whose legions you blew away with your breath, as the wind does with leaves or a thatch of straw.
§19Istuc quidem edepol nihil est.
Pyrgopolynices By Jove, that indeed is nothing.
Artotrogus By Hercules, this indeed is nothing compared to the other things I could tell — which you never did.
§21periuriorem hoc hominem si quis viderit §22aut gloriarum pleniorem quam illic est, §23me sibi habeto, ego me mancupio dabo; §24nisi unum, epityrum estur insanum bene.
(Aside) If anyone has ever seen a bigger liar or a man more full of boasting than this one is, let him have me for his own, I will give myself up to him in bondage; except for one thing, he feeds me on olive salad insanely well.
§25Vbi tu es?
Pyrgopolynices Where are you?
§25bEccum. edepol vel elephanto in India,
Artotrogus Here I am.
§26quo pacto ei pugno praefregisti bracchium.
By Pollux, even the elephant in India, how you broke its arm with your fist.
§27Quid, bracchium?
Pyrgopolynices What, its arm?
§27bIllud dicere volui, femur.
Artotrogus I meant to say its thigh.
§28At indíligenter iceram.
Pyrgopolynices But I had struck carelessly.
§28bPol si quidem §29conisus esses, per corium, per viscera §30perque os elephanti transmineret bracchium.
Artotrogus By Pollux, if indeed you had exerted yourself, through the skin, through the flesh, and through the bone of the elephant your arm would have gone.
§31Nolo istaec hic nunc.
Pyrgopolynices I do not wish for those things here now.
Artotrogus By Hercules, indeed it is not worth the effort for you to tell me your virtues, since I know them.
§33venter creat omnis hasce aerumnas: auribus §34peraurienda sunt, ne dentes dentiant, §35et adsentandumst quidquid hic mentibitur.
(Aside) My stomach causes all these troubles: my ears must listen through it all, lest my teeth begin to ache, and I must agree to whatever lies he tells.
§36Quid illúc quod dico?
Pyrgopolynices What about that which I was saying?
§36bEhem, scío iam quid vis dicere.
Artotrogus Ah, I know already what you wish to say.
§37factum hercle est, memini fieri.
By Hercules, it was done, I remember it being done.
§37bQuid id est?
Pyrgopolynices What is it?
§37cQuidquid est.
Artotrogus Whatever it is.
§38Habes —
Pyrgopolynices Do you have— Artotrogus Do you wish to ask for the tablets?
§38bTabellas vis rogare? habeo, et stilum.
I have them, and the stylus.
§39Facete advortis tuom animum ad animum meum.
Pyrgopolynices You cleverely apply your mind to my mind.
Artotrogus It is fitting that I study your ways with care, and take care that I can smell out what you want.
§42Ecquid meministi?
Pyrgopolynices Do you remember anything?
§42bMemini: centum in Cilicia §43et quinquaginta, centum in Scytholatronia, §44triginta Sardos, sexaginta Macedones §45† sunt homines quos tu occidisti uno die.
Artotrogus I remember: a hundred in Cilicia, and fifty; a hundred in Scytholatronia, thirty Sardinians, sixty Macedonians — these are the men whom you killed in a single day.
§46Quanta istaec hominum summast?
Pyrgopolynices What is the total sum of those men?
§46bSeptem milia.
Artotrogus Seven thousand.
§47Tantum esse oportet.
Pyrgopolynices It must be that much.
recte rationem tenes.
You keep the reckoning well.
§48At nullos habeo scriptos: sic memini tamen.
Artotrogus But I have none of them written down; yet I remember them so.
§49Edepol memoria es optuma.
Pyrgopolynices By Jove, you have an excellent memory.
§49bOffae monent.
Artotrogus (Aside) The food prompts me.
Pyrgopolynices As long as you act as you have done, you shall eat continually, I will always share my table with you.
Artotrogus What about in Cappadocia, where you would have killed five hundred at once, with a single blow, if your sword had not been blunt?
§54At peditastelli quia erant, sivi viverent.
Pyrgopolynices But since they were mere petty foot-soldiers, I let them live.
§55Quid tibi ego dicam, quód omnes mortales sciunt, §56Pyrgopolynicem te unum in terra vivere §57virtute et forma et factis invictissumum?
Artotrogus Why should I tell you what all mortals know, that you, Pyrgopolynices, alone on earth, live unconquered in courage, beauty, and deeds?
§58amant ted omnes mulieres, neque iniuria, §59qui sis tam pulcher; vel illae quae here pallio §60me reprehenderunt.
All women love you, and not without reason, since you are so handsome; even those who yesterday by my cloak held me back.
§60bQuid eae dixerunt tibi?
Pyrgopolynices What did they say to you?
§61Rogitabant:
hicine Achilles est?
inquit mihi.
Artotrogus They kept asking: “Is this Achilles?” one said to me.
§62immo eius frater
inquam
est
.
“No, it is his brother,” I said.
Then another of them said: “By Castor, then he is indeed handsome,” she said to me, “and noble.
vide caesaries quam decet.
Look how becoming his hair is.
Indeed, fortunate are the women who sleep with him!” Pyrgopolynices Did they really say so, then?
Artotrogus Why, didn't they both implore me, to lead you past there today as if in a parade?
§68Nimiast miseria nimis pulchrum esse hominem.
Pyrgopolynices It is a great misery to be too handsome a man.
§68bImmo itast.
Artotrogus Indeed it is.
§69molestaé sunt: orant, ambiunt, exobsecrant §70videre ut liceat, ad sese arcessi iubent, §71ut tuo non liceat dare operam negotio.
They are troublesome: they beg, they solicit, they implore to be allowed to see you, they order you to be summoned to them, so that you cannot attend to your business.