§1ἰατταταιὰξ τῶν κακῶν, ἰατταταῖ.
Iattataiax! What misfortunes! Iattatai!
May the gods miserably destroy that newly-bought scoundrel of a Paphlagonian, plans and all!
For since he forced his way into the house, he is always inflicting beatings on the servants.
Most miserably indeed, this worst of Paphlagonians, along with his very slanders!
§7bὦ κακόδαιμον πῶς ἔχεις;
O luckless man, how are you faring?
§8κακῶς καθάπερ σύ.
Badly, just like you.
Come over here then, so that we may weep a duet to the tune of Olympus.
§10μυμῦ μυμῦ μυμῦ μυμῦ μυμῦ μυμῦ.
Mumu, mumu, mumu, mumu, mumu, mumu.
§11τί κινυρόμεθʼ ἄλλως;
Why do we wail in vain?
οὐκ ἐχρῆν ζητεῖν τινα §12σωτηρίαν νῷν, ἀλλὰ μὴ κλάειν ἔτι;
Shouldn't we seek some salvation for the two of us, instead of weeping any longer?
§13τίς οὖν γένοιτʼ ἄν;
What then could that be?
§13bλέγε σύ.
You tell me.
No, you tell me, so that I won't pick a quarrel with you.
§14bμὰ τὸν Ἀπόλλω ʼγὼ μὲν οὔ.
By Apollo, not I indeed!
§16πῶς ἂν σύ μοι λέξειας ἁμὲ χρὴ λέγειν;
How could you say to me what I ought to say?
§15ἀλλʼ εἰπὲ θαρρῶν, εἶτα κἀγὼ σοὶ φράσω.
But speak boldly, and then I will tell you too.
§17ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἔνι μοι τὸ θρέττε.
But I don't have the 'pluck' in me.
πῶς ἂν οὖν ποτε §18εἴποιμʼ ἂν αὐτὸ δῆτα κομψευριπικῶς;
How then could I ever say it in a clever Euripidean way?
§19μὴ ʼμοί γε, μὴ ʼμοί, μὴ διασκανδικίσῃς·
Not to me, please, not to me! Don't sprinkle me with wild chervil!
§20ἀλλʼ εὑρέ τινʼ ἀπόκινον ἀπὸ τοῦ δεσπότου.
But find some way to 'dance away' from our master.
§21λέγε δὴ μόλωμεν ξυνεχὲς ὡδὶ ξυλλαβών.
Say then 'let us desert', joining it together continuously like this.
§22καὶ δὴ λέγω μόλωμεν.
And indeed I say, 'let us desert'.
§23bαὐτό.
'it'.
§23cπάνυ καλῶς.
Very well.
Now, as if masturbating, say first gently 'let us desert', and then 'it', and then repeating them in rapid succession.
§26μόλωμεν αὐτὸ μόλωμεν αὐτομολῶμεν.
let us desert-it, let us desert-it, let-us-desert!
§26bἢν
Look!
§27οὐχ ἡδύ;
Isn't that sweet?
§27bνὴ Δία·
Yes, by Zeus!
πλήν γε περὶ τῷ δέρματι §28δέδοικα τουτονὶ τὸν οἰωνόν.
Except that I fear this omen for my skin.
§28bτί δαί;
Why so?
§29ὁτιὴ τὸ δέρμα δεφομένων ἀπέρχεται.
Because the skin of those who masturbate comes off.
Therefore, the best of the present choices for the two of us is to go and prostrate ourselves before the image of some god.
§32† ποῖον βρέτας †;
What statue?
ἐτεὸν ἡγεῖ γὰρ θεούς;
Do you really believe there are gods?
§33ἔγωγε.
I do indeed.
§33bποίῳ χρώμενος τεκμηρίῳ;
Using what proof?
§34ὁτιὴ θεοῖσιν ἐχθρός εἰμʼ.
Because I am hated by the gods.
οὐκ εἰκότως;
Is that not reasonable?
§35εὖ προσβιβάζεις μʼ.
You persuade me well.
ἀλλʼ ἑτέρᾳ πῃ σκεπτέον.
But we must look in some other way.
§36βούλει τὸ πρᾶγμα τοῖς θεαταῖσιν φράσω;
Do you want me to explain the matter to the spectators?
§37οὐ χεῖρον·
Not a bad idea.
ἓν δʼ αὐτοὺς παραιτησώμεθα, §38ἐπίδηλον ἡμῖν τοῖς προσώποισιν ποιεῖν, §39ἢν τοῖς ἔπεσι χαίρωσι καὶ τοῖς πράγμασιν.
But let's ask one thing of them: to make it plain to us by their faces if they are pleased with our words and our plot.
§40λέγοιμʼ ἂν ἤδη.
I shall speak now.
νῷν γάρ ἐστι δεσπότης §41ἄγροικος ὀργὴν κυαμοτρὼξ ἀκράχολος, §42Δῆμος πυκνίτης, δύσκολον γερόντιον §43ὑπόκωφον.
For we have a master, rustic in temper, a bean-muncher, quick-tempered, Demos of the Pnyx, a grumpy little old man, somehat deaf.
οὗτος τῇ προτέρᾳ νουμηνίᾳ §44ἐπρίατο δοῦλον, βυρσοδέψην Παφλαγόνα, §45πανουργότατον καὶ διαβολώτατόν τινα.
This man, on the last new moon, bought a slave, a tanner of a Paphlagonian, an utterly villainous and most slanderous fellow.
§46οὗτος καταγνοὺς τοῦ γέροντος τοὺς τρόπους, §47ὁ βυρσοπαφλαγών, ὑποπεσὼν τὸν δεσπότην §48ᾔκαλλʼ ἐθώπευʼ ἐκολάκευʼ ἐξηπάτα §49κοσκυλματίοις ἄκροισι τοιαυτὶ λέγων· §50ὦ Δῆμε λοῦσαι πρῶτον ἐκδικάσας μίαν, §51ἐνθοῦ ῥόφησον ἔντραγʼ ἔχε τριώβολον.
This leather-Paphlagonian, having sized up the old man's habits, grovelling before our master, fawned, flattered, wheedled, and deceived him with scraps of leather-clippings, saying things like this: 'O Demos, take a bath first, having judged just one lawsuit; pop this in, gulp it down, chew, and take your three obols.
§52βούλει παραθῶ σοι δόρπον; εἶτʼ ἀναρπάσας §53ὅ τι ἄν τις ἡμῶν σκευάσῃ, τῷ δεσπότῃ §54Παφλαγὼν κεχάρισται τοῦτο.
Do you want me to serve you supper?' Then, snatching away whatever any of us has prepared, the Paphlagonian presents this to the master as his own favor.
καὶ πρώην γʼ ἐμοῦ §55μᾶζαν μεμαχότος ἐν Πύλῳ Λακωνικήν, §56πανουργότατά πως περιδραμὼν ὑφαρπάσας §57αὐτὸς παρέθηκε τὴν ὑπʼ ἐμοῦ μεμαγμένην,
And just the other day, when I had kneaded a Laconian barley-cake at Pylos, he somehow ran around most villainously, snatched it away, and served up himself the very cake kneaded by me.
§58ἡμᾶς δʼ ἀπελαύνει κοὐκ ἐᾷ τὸν δεσπότην §59ἄλλον θεραπεύειν, ἀλλὰ βυρσίνην ἔχων §60δειπνοῦντος ἑστὼς ἀποσοβεῖ τοὺς ῥήτορας.
And he drives us away and does not allow anyone else to serve the master, but standing there with a leather fly-whisk while the master dines, he shooes away the orators.
§61ᾄδει δὲ χρησμούς· ὁ δὲ γέρων σιβυλλιᾷ.
And he chants oracles; and the old man is crazed with Sibyl-mania.
And when he sees him gaping like a fool, he plays his trick.
For he outright slanders the household with lies; and then we get flogged.
Παφλαγὼν δὲ περιθέων τοὺς οἰκέτας §66αἰτεῖ ταράττει δωροδοκεῖ λέγων τάδε· §67ὁρᾶτε τὸν Ὕλαν διʼ ἐμὲ μαστιγούμενον;
While the Paphlagonian, running around the servants, demands, extorts, takes bribes, saying things like this: 'Do you see Hylas being whipped because of me?
§68εἰ μή μʼ ἀναπείσετʼ, ἀποθανεῖσθε τήμερον. §69ἡμεῖς δὲ δίδομεν· εἰ δὲ μή, πατούμενοι §70ὑπὸ τοῦ γέροντος ὀκταπλάσιον χέζομεν.
If you don't bribe me, you will die today.' So we give; otherwise, trampled by the old man, we shit eightfold.
Now therefore, let's make haste and consider, my good friend, what path we should take and to whom we should turn.
§73κράτιστʼ ἐκείνην τὴν μόλωμεν ὦγαθέ.
The best is that 'let us desert' path, my good friend.
But it's not possible to escape the Paphlagonian's notice in anything; for he watches over everything.
ἔχει γὰρ τὸ σκέλος §76τὸ μὲν ἐν Πύλῳ, τὸ δʼ ἓτερον ἐν τἠκκλησίᾳ.
For he has one leg in Pylos, and the other in the Assembly.
§77τοσόνδε δʼ αὐτοῦ βῆμα διαβεβηκότος §78ὁ πρωκτός ἐστιν αὐτόχρημʼ ἐν Χάοσιν, §79τὼ χεῖρʼ ἐν Αἰτωλοῖς, ὁ νοῦς δʼ ἐν Κλωπιδῶν.
And with his stride stretched so wide, his arsehole is literally in Chaos, his two hands among the Aetolians, and his mind in Klopidai.
§80κράτιστον οὖν νῷν ἀποθανεῖν.
So the best thing for the two of us is to die.
§82πῶς δῆτα πῶς γένοιτʼ ἂν ἀνδρικώτατα;
How indeed, how could it be done most manfully?