Lives and Opinions of Eminent Philosophers

​The boys memorized many passages from poets and prose writers, as well as from Diogenes himself; and he practiced every shortcut for easy retention. In the house, he taught them to wait on themselves, using plain food and drinking water; he made them crop their hair close to the skin, go without adornment, without tunics, barefoot, silent, and looking at the ground as they walked in the streets. He also took them out hunting. They, for their part, took care of Diogenes himself and interceded with their parents on his behalf. The same author says that he grew old with Xeniades and, when he died, was buried by Xeniades' sons. There, when Xeniades inquired how he should bury him, Diogenes said, "Face downwards."

​And when Xeniades asked, "Why?" he replied, "Because in a little while, what is below is bound to be turned upside down." This was because the Macedonians were already prevailing and rising from a lowly state to greatness. When someone led him into a luxurious house and forbade him to spit, having cleared his throat, he spat into the man's face , saying that he could find no worse place. Others attribute this to Aristippus. Once, shouting, "Hey, men!" when people gathered, he fell upon them with his staff, saying, "I called for men, not scoundrels," as Hecato says in the first book of his Apophthegms. They say that Alexander also said that if he had not been Alexander, he would have wished to be Diogenes.

​He used to say that the crippled were not the deaf and the blind, but those who did not possess a wallet. Once, having entered a banquet of young men with half his head shaved, as Metrocles says in the Apophthegms, he received blows; afterwards, having written the names of those who struck him on a whitened tablet, he walked around with it fastened to himself, until he brought reproach upon them as they were condemned and rebuked. He said that he was one of those dogs that are praised, but that none of those who praise them dare go out hunting with them. To the man who said, "I conquer men at the Pythian games," he replied, "No, I conquer men; you conquer slaves."

​To those who said, "You are an old man; slacken off for the rest of your life," he said, "What then? If I were running the long race, ought I to slacken off near the finish, and not rather exert myself more?" Invited to dinner, he said he would not come; for he had felt no gratitude to him the other day either. He would walk on snow with bare feet and do the other things mentioned above; and he even attempted to eat raw meat, but could not digest it. Once he caught Demosthenes the orator having lunch in an inn. When Demosthenes retreated inside, Diogenes said, "The more you retreat, the more you will be inside the inn." And once, when some strangers wished to see Demosthenes, stretching out his middle finger, he said, "Here for you is the demagogue of the Athenians."

​When someone dropped a loaf of bread and was ashamed to pick it up, Diogenes, wishing to admonish him, tied the neck of an earthenware jar and dragged it through the Ceramicus. He said he imitated the chorus-masters; for they too set the pitch too high so that the rest may hit the proper pitch. He used to say that most men are mad within a finger's breadth; if then someone walks extending his middle finger, he will seem to someone to be mad, but if his forefinger, no longer so. He said that things of great value are sold for nothing, and vice versa; a statue, at any rate, is sold for three thousand drachmas, but a choenix of barley-meal for two chalkoi.

​To Xeniades, who had bought him, he said, "Come now, see that you do what you are commanded." And when Xeniades said, "The rivers' springs flow backwards," Diogenes said, "If you were sick and had bought a physician, would you not have obeyed him, but said that the rivers' springs flow backwards?" Someone wished to study philosophy under him; Diogenes gave him a salt-fish and ordered him to follow. When the man, out of shame, threw it away and departed, Diogenes, meeting him some time later and laughing, said, "A salt-fish has dissolved the friendship between you and me." Diocles records it thus: when someone said to him, "Command us, Diogenes," he led him away and gave him a half-obol's worth of cheese to carry; and when the man refused, he said, "A half-obol piece of cheese has dissolved the friendship between you and me."