Saturnalia

​Furthermore, that they should entertain each time some four or some five of the poor, taking them in, not however in the present manner of dinners, but in a more democratic way, so that all share equally and it does not happen that one man crams himself with delicacies while the servant stands waiting until he stops eating, but when he comes to us, while we are still preparing to stretch out our hand, he passes by, having shown only the dish or whatever is left of the cake; nor, when a pig is brought in, that the carver should set the whole half-side with the head before the master, while carrying bones covered with meat to the others. And also to tell the wine-pourers beforehand not to wait until each of us asks to drink seven times, but if one orders just once, immediately to pour and hand over a large cup, filling it just as for the master. And the wine itself also must be one and the same for all the guests—for where is this law written, that one should get drunk on fragrant wine, while my belly is ready to burst from cheap new wine?

​If you correct and reform these things, O Cronus, you will have made life truly life, and the festival truly a festival; but if not, let them keep the festival, while we shall sit praying that, when they return from their bath, their servant may tip over the amphora and break it, and the cook may burn the broth and, forgetting, throw the salt-fish into the lentil-soup; and that the dog, slipping in, may devour the whole sausage while the cooks are busy with other things, and half of the cake; and that the pig, the deer, and the suckling pigs, while being roasted, should do the same as Homer says of the cattle of the Sun—or rather, not merely creep, but leap up and flee to the mountain, spits and all; and that the fat birds too, though already without wings and dressed, should fly away and begone, so that they may not enjoy them alone.

​And what would vex them most of all: that certain ants, such as the Indian ones, should dig up the gold from the treasuries and carry it out by night into the public place; and that their garments, through the neglect of the caretakers, should be bored through like a sieve by the excellent mice, so as to differ in no way from a tuna-fishing net; and that their beautiful and long-haired boys, whom they call Hyacinths or Achilleas or Narcissuses, while handing them the cup, should become bald as their hair flows away, and grow a sharp beard, such as the wedge-bearded men in the comedies, with the part near the temples being very hairy and extremely prickly, while the part between is smooth and bare. These things and more than these we would pray for, if they are not willing to abandon this excessive selfishness, and to be rich for the common good and share some moderate things with us.

​2. CRONUS TO ME, THE MOST HONORED, GREETING Why do you talk such nonsense, you there, writing to me about the present state of things and commanding me to make a redistribution of goods? That would belong to another, the present ruler. For I wonder if you alone of all are ignorant that I have long ceased to be king, having distributed the rule to my children, and that Zeus especially takes care of such matters. But our affairs extend only to draughts, clapping, song, and drunkenness, and this for no more than seven days. Therefore, concerning the greater things you mention—to remove inequality and that all should either be poor or be rich on equal terms—Zeus would decide for you. But if anyone should be wronged or overreached in anything belonging to the festival, it would be my business to judge. And indeed I am writing to the rich concerning the dinners, the quart of gold, and the garments, that they may send them to you also for the festival. For these things are just and worthy for them to do, as you say, unless they have some reasonable argument to say against them.